Do I even exist?

Hi Butterflies & welcome,

A lot of what you've said is familiar to my own situation. Although I am lucky enough to have 2 children, both with ASD, which is how I figured out what this thing I have is called. I always thought it was just me, so it was a huge lightbulb moment. I'm in my late 40's & been on the waiting lists for ASD & ADHD for around 18 months now. My aim is to get diagnosed before I am 50. 

I think you'd feel a lot better if you were to get diagnosed, so I would seek out private options. If you wait for the NHS you'll never get anywhere by the sound of it. The Lorna wing centre specialises in diagnosing women & girls. I honestly would just bite the bullet & contact them. You work a lot of hours, so should be able to afford it, or save for it. It is an investment towards your future that you really need. I wish I'd done that years ago for my kids & me tbh. If I don't get anywhere this year I will probably look to go private. 

no ?

Is this supposed to be helpful? 

Hey Butterflies, you are not alone, and your voice is heard. You are important and valid, you have purpose, you belong. 

I'm struggling too right now, slipping into old bad habits. Navigating this life is hard, and when you're trying to discover who you are, that's just overwhelming. Don't work so hard, be kind to yourself. 

j**us u sound low

Hey, 

im glad to hear you have children who are keeping you sane. Considering most kids drive people mad! Sorry to hear about your relationship with your husband, hopefully that’s something that can improve over time. I’m rubbish at relationships so dont do them even though it would be nice to have a partner, I’ve made peace with being single. I don’t even attempt to date and tend to intentionally chase men away- it’s just too stressful. 

The invisible prison resonates with me. If only we could map out the blueprints for this prison? Might not be able to escape immediately but can surely plan some more “yard time”. 

Do you travel much? 

Hiya, 

The social cues thing has been a long journey! I’ve hurt many people along the way; I’ve tested out theories on those closest to me. For instance I used to be very mean to my cousin when we were 10yars old- I would skip through different emotions to test her reactions. I only realised as an adult that I’ve been teaching myself how to be “normal” from a very young age. I learned about sarcasm and now I seem to associate it with superior intelligence, so to be honest it’s not all amazing lol  I feel falling in love with funny men who end up still being quite stupid haha 

I used to self harm when I was a teen, I did everything I could to try and leave myself. I still get as low but have never self harmed since early 20’s. I promised myself I couldn’t go like that, especially after losing a few people to it. I’ve know at least 5 people who have committed suicide, one was very close to me. It’s changed everything because I hate that the world made her feel like that. I want to contribute to making it a happier place so I work my butt off and do over 80hours a week! (I’m a senior improvement specialist in health and social care- not a clinician but strategic manager dealing with funding and business)

 I can’t afford to lose any more people, so please dont go- you’ve already said hello! I talk a lot- often too much, if talking works for you, I’m always here.

”Never settle for anything less than butterflies” 

For me, butterflies represent growth and change- it’s also that feeling you get in your stomach when you’re excited about something. Never make long term decisions when you’re still in caterpillar mode (sad, low). Dont get used to feeling like a caterpillar, you are a butterfly and need to surround yourself around things that represent growth and change... why? 

Because everything will be ok in the end, and if it’s not ok... it’s NOT the end! 

Hi, thank you for your message- I can’t lie, I cried. I’m actually weeping now. It’s was “You must be real. Not even the most imaginative author could have dreamt up a character like you”. Touched me a little because it’s like I’m actually being acknowledged and it’s been a long time since I’ve felt that! 

I certainly have this warped perception that everyone’s life is better than mine, everyone is happy and doing all the things they want to do whereas I’m still figuring out who I am and what I like-after spending decades of simply copying what other people was doing, saying, feeling. 

I can already see the benefits of this for I’m and will certainly explore the the chat room that you mentioned.

I’ll never give up

I think it would be a healthy balance of both. I would like to feel as if I’m living and not just simply alive 

Thank you for this. I’ve never even heard of existentialism! I’d never even considered that this was a thing- thought I was alone! 

Looking forward to hearing more about the Pubs stuff. I’ve actually “started” attending (keep missing group due to work and forgetfulness) a weekly zoom community group but I never go on camera because I dont feel it’s necessarily a “safe place” but the people seem nice enough. Perhaps I need to be more disciplined in attended.

Thanks again 

Hi, I’m in similar situation. I’m 40, female, not diagnosed yet and this year will be 4 years since I’ve been referred for an assessment. I’ve tried NHS talking therapies but been told they couldn’t help me and they’ve stopped the therapy and told me to wait for the assessment outcome. And it’s been downward spiral since then.

I’m still working full time (well, 3/4 time) and I’ve got family so they keep me going. Maybe not exactly supporting because my husband and I are not in the best place at the moment and barely talking (we drifted apart) but my children are keeping me alive. If left to myself I wouldn’t be able to leave my house  (I was left alone pre pandemic while my family went on holiday - I couldn’t even force myself to go to the store to buy some food)

I don’t have any friends, I cry a lot and end of the lockdown scares me because I find it hard to imagine. People at work are getting more and more excited about seeing their friends and families, going on holiday and I feel left behind because it doesn’t apply to me. It’s like I’m in another world. Closed in some invisible prison and I can’t reach out and break free. Wherever I turn I meet the wall and I can’t see past it. I feel completely trapped in my own prison and I don’t know how to let myself out.

Hi.

Much of what you wrote about is familiar with me.

I loved the way you say taught yourself to pick social cues because I miss most of them completely and only realise they were there hours later.

At the moment I'm depressed, suicidal and crying about life in general.  I can't see my life getting better.

I don't understand ...?

Butterflies said:

”Never settle for anything other than butterflies”

Hey, I'm sorry things are so hard. I echo what everyone else is saying that, although it might appear otherwise, not everyone is living their best lives. Some have it easy for sure, but there are many of us going through hardship, so you are not alone in that regard.

It's hard without others. I can recommend safe spaces like the ChatAutism IRC Network. It's a chatroom for autistic people or family/friends/support. It can really help sometimes to just go in, introduce yourself and know that there's someone out there to chat to.

You must be real. Not even the most imaginative author could have dreamt up a character like you. With all these complex emotions, thoughts, feelings and situations. The reality might not be the one we expected, but you are definitely real.

There are good people out there. Search for them. Don't give up.

What would your best life be?

Like, is it going out with loads of friends? Or is it doing those jigsaws?

I can assure you hardly anyone is living their best lives! I've just read this and would love to reply - I'm so tired right now. But you're not alone. 

I resonate with some of the things your saying & have been through similar, but haven't had anyone close commit suicide. That would be hard.

Existentialism is profound - I'm a fan of some really good philosophical inquiry. In fact, I'm part of a Philosophy In Pubs Zoom weekly. Almost weekly, depending on work - I work from home as well. Learning to show up once a week for some community oriented thing is one of my disciplined tasks. Even when I don't want to go. Small acts of disciplines have been incredible help most of my life. 

I will write more later! But I hope you feel welcome here.