Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all,
I’m new here and thought I’d introduce myself:)
Im 34 (female) living in London. I’ve never been diagnosed but have been on the waiting list for 4years. Autism Society pre-assessment said I needed a full assessment but NHS has refused to pay so I’ve been waiting for community mental health team to support me.
I used to receive counselling for abuse and a lot of childhood trauma, but talking therapies have said that my issues are too complex and they can no longer support me. They referred me to another service that told me I should join an online forum as it’s very unlikely I’ll get support.
I’ve tried to seek long term support but to no avail. Sad thing is that a close friend of mine with similar issues committed suicide several years ago due to not receiving any support at all. I’m not suicidal but I do get extremely low a lot. When I get really low I call helplines- just wish I could have long term support... I’m not needy I promise!
I most definitely presented with all the signs of being autistic as a child, but it was never picked up by anyone. I’ve taught myself how to fit in and pick up social cues. I’m high functioning and an over achiever, with a great job and financial independence.... but still not happy.
More than anything I wish I had some friends who I can speak to about how I feel and what I’m going through. I’m lonely, confused and very scared of going outside. I work from home mainly and can easily spend several weeks in my room without going anywhere. I dont even use my living room- so it looks like a show-house lol
Lockdown has been great as I haven’t had to make excuses for not going out. I’ve had plenty of time to cook, clean and do 1000piece puzzles. I’m worried that when the world opens up again I’ll be left behind once more. I used to cry every weekend without fail. The thought of everyone outside living their best lives and me alone in my room really bothers me; but sometimes I just really can’t go outside. It’s too scary. I have sooo many associates but zero friends. The only time my phone rings is when it’s work related. Nobody calls me otherwise.
Sometimes I wonder if I actually exist. Is this real? Am I real? I pinch myself a lot (not self harm) to see if I’m sleeping or not.
anyways, it would be nice to meet some new people and share experiences.
Thanks
”Never settle for anything other than butterflies”
Hey, I'm sorry things are so hard. I echo what everyone else is saying that, although it might appear otherwise, not everyone is living their best lives. Some have it easy for sure, but there are many of us going through hardship, so you are not alone in that regard.
It's hard without others. I can recommend safe spaces like the ChatAutism IRC Network. It's a chatroom for autistic people or family/friends/support. It can really help sometimes to just go in, introduce yourself and know that there's someone out there to chat to.
You must be real. Not even the most imaginative author could have dreamt up a character like you. With all these complex emotions, thoughts, feelings and situations. The reality might not be the one we expected, but you are definitely real.
There are good people out there. Search for them. Don't give up.
Hi, thank you for your message- I can’t lie, I cried. I’m actually weeping now. It’s was “You must be real. Not even the most imaginative author could have dreamt up a character like you”. Touched me a little because it’s like I’m actually being acknowledged and it’s been a long time since I’ve felt that!
I certainly have this warped perception that everyone’s life is better than mine, everyone is happy and doing all the things they want to do whereas I’m still figuring out who I am and what I like-after spending decades of simply copying what other people was doing, saying, feeling.
I can already see the benefits of this for I’m and will certainly explore the the chat room that you mentioned.
I’ll never give up