New! Still figuring it out. Spectrum -suspected Fm Aspie

I think I'm supposed to introduce myself! I'm quite private and I'm still researching all of this.

I'm not sure if my mother has autism and or if my father is Asbergers. They're not together. My mother had a few more children with different husbands and 2 of those children have clear learning disabilities, but didn't understand me in the least (I grew up being accused of things I still can't wrap my head around). While I 'appear' intelligent, in the past have been told I need to simply work harder in social situations. I live in England with my son who's 24 & was born in London, but I'm originally from the US. We moved so much when I was young with just the one parent and she was chaotic and abusive and always regretful, sometimes ready to kill herself, other times, diving into a new passion and high on life. I was afraid of her mostly, but when she would leave my brother and I on our own (at too young of an age, too often! We loved it). I had ballet lessons and even gymnastics at a very young age, but these didn't last due to finances. Perhaps they set me up to be very kinetic, I really like yoga now. I've not worked out if some of my issues are from living in compromised situations, but I've also been given interesting lessons, like navigation and map reading and a step father who used to be a drag racer and taught me exquisite driving skills. I excelled in geometry but failed algebra. I raised my hand too much in school. I was recruited for debate in High School (due to questioning everything) and simply won every tournament without articulating what I was doing. I couldn't write essays. Some teachers allowed me to give a verbal essay, which was always a relief. I still struggle to write emails and I must, I now work for myself, but it can take hours, weeks even to construct what needs to be said to connect. My drafts box is almost as full as my inbox. I was silent for years, and would simply cry when trying to express a thing - all I felt constantly was frustration, constant walls. When I learned Logic in the little bit of University I managed to figure out, it opened up my whole world. I love philosophy, it explains so much. I love the tools of healthy various religious practices, some ethically make sense and once utilised, help not experiencing rejection.

Throughout my 20's I kept getting fired or let go and told I didn't 'fit in'. They were always kind about it, but would say the same thing, "You work hard, but we just feel you don't fit in here". Without fail. I even tried to get a corporate position in my field 2 years ago and felt the impending dread. After 3 months, same thing. I was super intelligent but wasn't engaging socially at the desired pace and costing them money.  At 27 a boyfriend I loved took me to a therapist to break up with me (I didn't realise that's what he was doing until only a few years ago - I'm 46 now). I suddenly learned I couldn't identify my emotions. I learned I couldn't express what I could 'see'. I learned I wasn't speaking the same language. At the time I thought it was an class issue. But the therapist, as most, felt I needed to put my life in order first. Looking back, how could I have when fundamental relational issues of being human in civilisation seemed missing? I started undertaking years of learning about psychology, trauma, philosophy, I tried out anything any every piece of wisdom I could find. Which lead me to Deleuze and Guattari's Anti-Oedipus. I've read it twice and it has been such a relief. I've always seen hidden exchanges or agendas but was always confused and could never identify them. I make connexions quite easily and now that I'm older I have a set of internal monologues so I don't accidentally say a thing out loud or so I afford someone else their 'moment' of expression. I used to get angry about so many things which I now understand to simply be normal NT engagements. I am slightly afraid of a solid diagnostic creating problems professionally. Forgive the length of this, I identify with many struggles here. But as life has taught me, there is nothing worse than being misrepresented, misjudged.