Published on 12, July, 2020
I think I'm supposed to introduce myself! I'm quite private and I'm still researching all of this.
I'm not sure if my mother has autism and or if my father is Asbergers. They're not together. My mother had a few more children with different husbands and 2 of those children have clear learning disabilities, but didn't understand me in the least (I grew up being accused of things I still can't wrap my head around). While I 'appear' intelligent, in the past have been told I need to simply work harder in social situations. I live in England with my son who's 24 & was born in London, but I'm originally from the US. We moved so much when I was young with just the one parent and she was chaotic and abusive and always regretful, sometimes ready to kill herself, other times, diving into a new passion and high on life. I was afraid of her mostly, but when she would leave my brother and I on our own (at too young of an age, too often! We loved it). I had ballet lessons and even gymnastics at a very young age, but these didn't last due to finances. Perhaps they set me up to be very kinetic, I really like yoga now. I've not worked out if some of my issues are from living in compromised situations, but I've also been given interesting lessons, like navigation and map reading and a step father who used to be a drag racer and taught me exquisite driving skills. I excelled in geometry but failed algebra. I raised my hand too much in school. I was recruited for debate in High School (due to questioning everything) and simply won every tournament without articulating what I was doing. I couldn't write essays. Some teachers allowed me to give a verbal essay, which was always a relief. I still struggle to write emails and I must, I now work for myself, but it can take hours, weeks even to construct what needs to be said to connect. My drafts box is almost as full as my inbox. I was silent for years, and would simply cry when trying to express a thing - all I felt constantly was frustration, constant walls. When I learned Logic in the little bit of University I managed to figure out, it opened up my whole world. I love philosophy, it explains so much. I love the tools of healthy various religious practices, some ethically make sense and once utilised, help not experiencing rejection.
Throughout my 20's I kept getting fired or let go and told I didn't 'fit in'. They were always kind about it, but would say the same thing, "You work hard, but we just feel you don't fit in here". Without fail. I even tried to get a corporate position in my field 2 years ago and felt the impending dread. After 3 months, same thing. I was super intelligent but wasn't engaging socially at the desired pace and costing them money. At 27 a boyfriend I loved took me to a therapist to break up with me (I didn't realise that's what he was doing until only a few years ago - I'm 46 now). I suddenly learned I couldn't identify my emotions. I learned I couldn't express what I could 'see'. I learned I wasn't speaking the same language. At the time I thought it was an class issue. But the therapist, as most, felt I needed to put my life in order first. Looking back, how could I have when fundamental relational issues of being human in civilisation seemed missing? I started undertaking years of learning about psychology, trauma, philosophy, I tried out anything any every piece of wisdom I could find. Which lead me to Deleuze and Guattari's Anti-Oedipus. I've read it twice and it has been such a relief. I've always seen hidden exchanges or agendas but was always confused and could never identify them. I make connexions quite easily and now that I'm older I have a set of internal monologues so I don't accidentally say a thing out loud or so I afford someone else their 'moment' of expression. I used to get angry about so many things which I now understand to simply be normal NT engagements. I am slightly afraid of a solid diagnostic creating problems professionally. Forgive the length of this, I identify with many struggles here. But as life has taught me, there is nothing worse than being misrepresented, misjudged.
OH! I absolutely agree. I continue to respond to everyone on this by saying they have misidentified Empathy for Presumption. The same ability to recognise and mind-read can be USED to empathise with OR can be used to manipulate, thus the neurotic can become the psychotic. There are some academic papers that suggest the autist and schizophrenic are polar opposite to a psychotic in their lack of ability to manipulate. This idea that humans need to feel as though someone is reading their mind causes so many dysfunctions in the world.
Yes! This is exactly it. I think there's a strong false narrative about autism that hasn't been debunked yet which is that a symptom is a 'lack of empathy' or a 'lack of interest in people', or any other variant. I think it's completely false and it's more like a sound and linguistics issue, once information is translated it's understood, it just needs to be translated in a certain way. I'm very hopeful about the progression of technology to help understand the neurology of what's happening.
I hear this! I really think learning symbolic logic was something divine. Processing language for me isn't just about one item, like following a sentence. What slows me down sometimes is the 5 possible meanings or the lack of logical structure. If there are too many tangents, like someone is using communication as if they were sprouting a million roots from a potato (the roots being all these different thoughts, the potato being the initial subject), I literally go blank. If that makes sense. I tend to think in pictures.
Sadly, personal declaration isn't enough for proper help in Uni or getting a drivers license. And yes - the NHS route is of course, an option. Thanks!
Hi, welcome! What you said about 'not engaging socially at the desired pace' really resonated with me. It's taken me a while to figure out, but what I've learned so far is that I used to think I had an issue with understanding in general, but it's actually a language processing speed issue. Reading is ok because I can go at my own pace, but when people speak, it's often a little too fast for me to link meanings to words. If it's a little slower, then I can understand and relate. Now that I watch videos with subtitles on and that playback speeds of podcasts and videos can be changed to 0.5x or 0.75x speed, speech is going in much better and I'm picking up new information about social things and about the world in a way I wasn't before from day-to-day conversation.
friend request ---- hover over my name and a dialogue should appear,,, then u select "send a friend request" then i can accept it which amounts to the same thing.
ok u are clearly autistic maybe with a mix of something else probably PTSD at a guess. BTW when i watched a video on ADHD I reckon that i have ADHD along with my autism ( basically i am very easily distracted ). Its funny i also watched the same video u sent me
why not complete your diagnosis within the NHS it will take a while but its free ?
i now do meditation and mindful living and this has helped me with autism related anxiety and depression. I also can see through my thoughts and bad behaviours.
Could your son could not just "self declare" himself as Dyslexic ?
Sorry, meant - It's clear I'm 100% autistic Not ADHD as I match all these (autism) traits and none of the ADHD.
First of all, please help! I'm not sure how to add as a friend!
But yes, every online test I've taken says I'm absolutely on the spectrum, most likely autistic. When I search for ADHD vs Autism, for instance this chap https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qNgLrPkp2y4 It's clear I'm not 100% autistic as I match all these traits and none of the ADHD. Frustratingly, I find it hard to function around a few friends who most likely are ADHD (and they do seem drawn to me!).
As for PTSD, absolutely there's some residue. I have personal management systems to keep myself and my environment safe and frustration-free. There are so many things I didn't mention, as I've had a very intense and long journey to get to where I am. An overbearing parent will rob a child of their own agency. My survival mechanism at a young age was programmed to shut down / withdraw for safety. If I was too intense or hyper-focused I experience rejection and chastising. So I was never fully present, but this also meant I couldn't function properly and would lose things or drop things or really mess things up. Now I do not allow others to speak to me while cooking or I accidentally leave the stove on (for instance). I do not go anywhere with out ear plugs. My phone is always on silent. I have set schedules for interactions. I deploy (probably over the top to some) strict rules and codes which upon recurrence of implementation feel normal to me, but seem like a lot of 'work' to others. At this point, I do work for myself. I just barely make a living and I work 12 hour days but it's seemingly stable.
I will get a diagnosis. But everywhere I've looked, it's so expensive - up to 3k. My son needs a dyslexic diagnosis to go back to school which is £700. So that is our first priority. He's really bright but also cannot write essays, and had a terrible time getting through Uni as his father was battling cancer (his dad and I split up when he was 2). But also his father was completely like my Mother in every way. Obviously, I didn't realise that recognising familiar traits in another can create 'kinship' feelings, is a psychological mechanism. I have become more hesitant about trusting my feelings and now spend time looking at what they are a response to to assert their validity. This has proven to be extra useful. Mind, this is an easy task. Other automatic responses like identifying all the possible things I'm thinking another is potentially trying to convey I have also honed and put to good use.
u're very welcome here i think u have a lot to share. Have you tried the online tests i can send you links if you want.
Have u considered getting a diagnosis ? you could be autistic plus PTSD or ADHD for example.
can i ask what you work at ?
Hello.
Wow expansive. It's good to know ones self.