Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone, I’m hoping you can give me some advice.
ever since I was young, I have felt different. I am female, and academically a bright person, but I’ve always struggled in social situations, and I’ve struggled with changes to my routine, such as when I went to secondary school and university. I also struggle sometimes with different fabrics against my skin (potentially a sensory issue?) When I was at secondary school, a friend from outside of school said to me that they thought I might be somewhere on the spectrum. I confided in a school friend about this who dismissed the idea, saying I was too intelligent to be autistic.
Fast forward to now, and I’m 22 years of age. I started a job at the end of September, and am struggling. I enjoy my work, however struggled with the change to my routine at the time, and also feel like I struggle with the social side of things, eg in the break room. I don’t always know when it’s my turn to speak, and sometimes feel like I should have shut up already. There’s one member of staff, called Greg, who I got on with straight away, he’s probably the first person in my life I haven’t felt the need to try to pretend to fit in around. He just gets me, he is a few years older than me, and has a pet who I get the impression is kind of his world, and videos of him and this pet almost remind me of how I am with my dolly. Just saying that out loud seems really embarrassing: I am 22 years of age and I still need my dolly. Greg is autistic, and in his own words is high functioning- high ability and low sociability
Recently at work, we have been encouraged to do some online wellbeing tests, and to submit scores via an anonymous feedback form. This is to help management gauge the mood of the group as a whole given the current situation with Covid, the test indicated autistic traits. I haven’t currently shared this info with work. I then did an online autism quotient screening thing (I know they aren’t the most reliable thing, but it was the best I could do) which indicated that I could be somewhere on the spectrum. I am now freaking out. I am estranged from my family so couldn’t ask parents for support. Part of me wants to know whether I am somewhere in the spectrum, as it might help me explain why I struggle so much socially, and why I struggle with certain fabrics, but part of me wonders if I look into a diagnosis and am found to not have autism it might be worse for me, as there’s no reason for how I am.
Im debating going private if I do seek an assessment, because waiting for an NHS referral would probably increase my anxiety, but part of me wonders if I’m making a fuss over nothing as I’m coping okay, but I’m exhausted from having to try and act normal. I’m also not entirely sure if I have the strength to do this on my own, without anyone to support me. If I am autistic, I’m clearly high functioning, because I’ve made it to 22 without it really being obvious (I wonder if I’m masking heavily though).
I dont know what to do. Does anyone have any advice?
Hi all, thanks for the responses, I feel like an assessment is something that I am going to need to have to move on - if I’m not, then I’m clearly just weird, but if I am I feel like I’d understand myself better. It does concern me that if I got diagnosed, I then would have to work out whether or not to disclose to my employer, and how I go about doing that, but that’s a problem for further down the line. I’m thinking that, because I am in the fortunate position of being able to afford a private assessment that may be a better way for me to go - I’d like to think it would give me the control of being able to say it needed to be in school holidays or a weekend (but ideally I think I’d be looking at feb half term) as I work in a school, and i don’t think I can deal with having to explain to work where I am. I also think it might be quicker than having to push my gp to refer me and wait on the nhs.
I guess im just quite scared about going through this on my own - even the concept of contacting a professional (I’ve done my research and have a feeling I know where I’d look to be assessed) seems a lot right now, particularly with no family to support me and no friends who I feel I can confide in, and I genuinely don’t know if I am strong enough to do this. I also feel like I’m wasting peoples time, even though I know that how I’m feeling probably won’t they any better until I know for sure, something which is adding to my feelings of anxiety.
It isn't a bad diagnosis to have in that they aren't telling you that you have a terminal illness. Personally, I think it is quite positive because it provides you with answers and support. So it isn't a terrible thing to go through alone and you aren't totally alone - you can post on this forum and somebody will respond and be there to support you.
I know it’s not a bad thing to know about myself, I guess it’s just a bit nerve wracking, either I’m not autistic and I’m then just an antisocial weirdo, or I am autistic and then I guess I’d probably need to tell people like my employer, and that makes me nervous. I’m sure it’s just a bit of fear of the unknown.
and yes, the forum is great, but it’s not quite the same as having someone by my side to support me, so I’m going to have to try and calm my nerves a bit. I’ve found a private clinic, with a couple of sites relatively near to me, but I must admit I’m a bit nervous about picking up the phone and asking for advice, particularly when I’m asking to be seen in person and in school holidays, because my home situation means a virtual appointment would be tricky and I’m not mentally in a position to be ready to speak to work yet...
I understand. I guess you have to decide whether getting a diagnosis is going to benefit you or make things worse. It is completely your choice whether you share your diagnosis with an employer or anybody else for that matter. With a private clinic, there will be more flexibility and they will be used to people arranging the assessment for a time and place that suits them best so try not to worry about that.