Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone, I’m hoping you can give me some advice.
ever since I was young, I have felt different. I am female, and academically a bright person, but I’ve always struggled in social situations, and I’ve struggled with changes to my routine, such as when I went to secondary school and university. I also struggle sometimes with different fabrics against my skin (potentially a sensory issue?) When I was at secondary school, a friend from outside of school said to me that they thought I might be somewhere on the spectrum. I confided in a school friend about this who dismissed the idea, saying I was too intelligent to be autistic.
Fast forward to now, and I’m 22 years of age. I started a job at the end of September, and am struggling. I enjoy my work, however struggled with the change to my routine at the time, and also feel like I struggle with the social side of things, eg in the break room. I don’t always know when it’s my turn to speak, and sometimes feel like I should have shut up already. There’s one member of staff, called Greg, who I got on with straight away, he’s probably the first person in my life I haven’t felt the need to try to pretend to fit in around. He just gets me, he is a few years older than me, and has a pet who I get the impression is kind of his world, and videos of him and this pet almost remind me of how I am with my dolly. Just saying that out loud seems really embarrassing: I am 22 years of age and I still need my dolly. Greg is autistic, and in his own words is high functioning- high ability and low sociability
Recently at work, we have been encouraged to do some online wellbeing tests, and to submit scores via an anonymous feedback form. This is to help management gauge the mood of the group as a whole given the current situation with Covid, the test indicated autistic traits. I haven’t currently shared this info with work. I then did an online autism quotient screening thing (I know they aren’t the most reliable thing, but it was the best I could do) which indicated that I could be somewhere on the spectrum. I am now freaking out. I am estranged from my family so couldn’t ask parents for support. Part of me wants to know whether I am somewhere in the spectrum, as it might help me explain why I struggle so much socially, and why I struggle with certain fabrics, but part of me wonders if I look into a diagnosis and am found to not have autism it might be worse for me, as there’s no reason for how I am.
Im debating going private if I do seek an assessment, because waiting for an NHS referral would probably increase my anxiety, but part of me wonders if I’m making a fuss over nothing as I’m coping okay, but I’m exhausted from having to try and act normal. I’m also not entirely sure if I have the strength to do this on my own, without anyone to support me. If I am autistic, I’m clearly high functioning, because I’ve made it to 22 without it really being obvious (I wonder if I’m masking heavily though).
I dont know what to do. Does anyone have any advice?
Hi, I was diagnosed last week at the age of 27 and it has already helped me so much so I would say definitely ask your GP for a referral or go private if this is an option. I too managed academically and I was able to hold down a job in my early twenties but things became increasingly more difficult for me and I could no longer cope. I think had I got a diagnosis sooner, things may not have spiralled.
Funnily enough, I have just been having a conversation with my partner about how I feel I was able to do things when I was younger that I wouldn't be able to do now such as go to a busy pub. I think this is because as my anxiety has worsened, my capacity to cope with sensory issues and social struggles has reduced.
Now I have the diagnosis, I feel more confident about not hiding how much I struggle, for example, I have for years stopped myself putting my hands over my ears in coffee shops when the coffee machine is on because I feared people would judge me. Now, I am thinking I should just go for it, if it eases my anxiety and means I can cope in that environment better. Like you said, it is exhausting trying to act "normal" and I don't think we should. We are who we are and that should be accepted.
Please feel free to ask me any questions either on here or via private message.