Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone, I’m hoping you can give me some advice.
ever since I was young, I have felt different. I am female, and academically a bright person, but I’ve always struggled in social situations, and I’ve struggled with changes to my routine, such as when I went to secondary school and university. I also struggle sometimes with different fabrics against my skin (potentially a sensory issue?) When I was at secondary school, a friend from outside of school said to me that they thought I might be somewhere on the spectrum. I confided in a school friend about this who dismissed the idea, saying I was too intelligent to be autistic.
Fast forward to now, and I’m 22 years of age. I started a job at the end of September, and am struggling. I enjoy my work, however struggled with the change to my routine at the time, and also feel like I struggle with the social side of things, eg in the break room. I don’t always know when it’s my turn to speak, and sometimes feel like I should have shut up already. There’s one member of staff, called Greg, who I got on with straight away, he’s probably the first person in my life I haven’t felt the need to try to pretend to fit in around. He just gets me, he is a few years older than me, and has a pet who I get the impression is kind of his world, and videos of him and this pet almost remind me of how I am with my dolly. Just saying that out loud seems really embarrassing: I am 22 years of age and I still need my dolly. Greg is autistic, and in his own words is high functioning- high ability and low sociability
Recently at work, we have been encouraged to do some online wellbeing tests, and to submit scores via an anonymous feedback form. This is to help management gauge the mood of the group as a whole given the current situation with Covid, the test indicated autistic traits. I haven’t currently shared this info with work. I then did an online autism quotient screening thing (I know they aren’t the most reliable thing, but it was the best I could do) which indicated that I could be somewhere on the spectrum. I am now freaking out. I am estranged from my family so couldn’t ask parents for support. Part of me wants to know whether I am somewhere in the spectrum, as it might help me explain why I struggle so much socially, and why I struggle with certain fabrics, but part of me wonders if I look into a diagnosis and am found to not have autism it might be worse for me, as there’s no reason for how I am.
Im debating going private if I do seek an assessment, because waiting for an NHS referral would probably increase my anxiety, but part of me wonders if I’m making a fuss over nothing as I’m coping okay, but I’m exhausted from having to try and act normal. I’m also not entirely sure if I have the strength to do this on my own, without anyone to support me. If I am autistic, I’m clearly high functioning, because I’ve made it to 22 without it really being obvious (I wonder if I’m masking heavily though).
I dont know what to do. Does anyone have any advice?
I would advise speaking to your GP about it, and make it clear that these things are starting to impact your life. It may not be to a major extent right now, but I have found it progressively harder over the years to socialise, even function at times, and I didn't get diagnosed till a few months ago, at 35. Every attempt made before then to get to the root of my issues found me to be quite typical, and not autistic or anything. I was the kid at school who 'needs to try harder' and 'doesn't concentrate or apply himself' etc, I was diagnosed with OCD late in ny education but I don't think it was even considered that I had autism as like you I displayed a good level of intelligence and I think the perception of autism in the past was that it's always pretty obvious because only the most severe cases were diagnosed.
Just my take of course but being highly intelligent doesn't mean you don't have autism, so don't talk yourself out of thinking you have it, based on that. I can say from your post that I can relate enough to what you're saying to think you should push your GP to refer you (make it clear ypu want a referral because they seem hesitant to give them for some reason) and at least get some answers for yourself. Just be aware there may not be a service in your area so you may have to pay or travel for one, and if you do go through the NHS there's a long wait period but in my case the entire process from initial GP appointment to Autism diagnosis took about six months-and that's with several months of lockdown factored in, so you won't necessarily have to wait as long as ypu think.
But I wish you the best of luck in finding some answers, and for what it's worth I didn't think I was autistic either, just that I had traits, but here I am now getting used to being considered 'disabled', so in my opinion there's no way to know until you've taken the assessment :)