Published on 12, July, 2020
I am a 15 year old boy who has been diagnosed with aspergers, adhd and more i cannot remember, Im just here to ask if people are experiencing about what I am about to say and if they can help me out because life is very hard right now, so the main thing I notice is my anger, I can get very angry easily over nothing like someone eating food loud or someone being loud in general or someone who is disturbing me when I am doing something and when I get angry I can't control myself and I either keep it in as much as possible then release it at home or outburst wherever I am, when I get angry the first thing I want to do is to shout at someone, call them names, or hurt myself, I either punch something alot of times or more recently bite myself on the arm multiple times which leaves several bruises, the pain doesn't bother me its just where harming myself can lead like doing alot worse which i have almost done on multiple occasions, I also have alot of suicidal thoughts, one time I got a long rope like thing and wrapped it around my neck and pulled as hard as i could just to feel something but it done nothing as usual. The reason I am telling everyone who reads this here is because I am too scared to tell anyone in real life like my parents or anyone else, I just badly need help and i am clueless on how to get it so if anyone could help me who has experienced the same as me I would be very grateful.
I'm 50 now, but I remember that overwhelm in my teens of people being too loud. I couldn't cope with people eating loud, breathing loud, noise, light, anythingthing i couldn't control. I had a migraine and eye problems from 15 to 18 that was constant and never went away. Things instantaneously got better the day i left home to work away, the migraine went, and my tensions went because i could mostly control things. I learnt how to avoid what i couldn't cope with and got better at politely asking people to do things different. 13-18 seem to be the worst years for many with autism/asperger, i've seen it with some friends' kids, and my best friend says the same about his life. I'm saying this to give you hope that things do get better.
I was lucky, I didn't suffer the anger, I kept it all boiling inside. I do feel for you, you're clearly trying hard and doing well at not taking it out on others.
Keep chatting here and reading other people's posts, it helps so much. But you do also need concrete help at school. Is there one teacher, or member of pastoral care, that you can talk to? I couldn't talk or express at all how it felt inside or what was going on for me, I'm only learning now. You've done a good job above of expressing yoyrself. Maybe you could write someone a short letter about what happens, how you feel, what challenges you face and what help you need. No one could not be impacted by what you've written above.
If you had to choose one person to talk to, ir write to, who would that person be?
than you for sharing your experiences with me, hearing what others have gone or going through helps a lot and the person I would speak to is my friend but sadly he is only an internet friend but he shares similarities with me but obviously that wouldn't do much as he is just a friend online but in school I'm not too close to the teachers who deal with this stuff as I never went because I couldn't build up the confidence to go so they must think everything is going well with me but it isn't, I'm the type of person to tell someone I'm alright even if I'm not which doesn't help the situation, also yes there is quite a few people I could speak to but because I don't go there much It would be weird if I told them all of this but there is definitely people that I can speak to which is helpful I just need to figure out what to say and when to say it, Its definitely hard right now because of the whole covid 19 situation because usually I could just walk up and see if they're there but now I need to book an appointment with them which makes It harder for me to do it, also I've never told my parents this but the tablets I have stop impulsive behaviour so instead I keep it inside which is alot worse for my mental health but I cant just stop them so I'm not in the best situation right now but thank you so much for replying to my post, I will definitely try harder to tell someone that could help me.
Maybe it feels weird to ask for help at school if you don't go much but they're paid to help you as much as anyone. When I taught I always found it more gratifying when the difficult, loner, non attender, student came to talk to me. Many teachers want to pisitively impact young people's lives, so you'll be giving them the chance to feel good.
You're very articulate about your situation and feelings, so that's a great indicator you'll work through this. Have you read Freaks, Geeks and Asperger Syndrome?
So which person at school would you choose to talk to? Or which adult?
Certain teachers in my school are very good to talk to which is good, It's just getting there which is the problem but reading the replies here have definitely given me many more ways to express my situation to others. I haven't read that but it definitely sounds like a good book that would be worth my time to read, there are two teachers that come to mind that I can talk to, one of them is a teacher who helps people with autism or other mental health problem and I have spoken to him before just not in a while and the other is a teacher who the whole year can speak to and I also have spoken to her before.