Published on 12, July, 2020
My 13 year old daughter was diagnosed with ASD/ADHD last March. I have attended many courses/ parent groups to gain a better understanding of how I can support her at home especially with her anxiety. The area I’m really struggling with is friendship groups.
In primary school she was well liked and was in a large group of friends but never had a best friend. However She has really struggled since she started secondary school. She says she doesn’t talk because she doesn’t know what to say and when she does talk says stupid/random things. She’s in WhatsApp groups but never messages or responds to people who message her. I think her peers thought she was quiet at first but her social anxiety started to show and they started to leave her out in the mean way girls can. It became so bad that she refused to go to school.
We moved in August and due to the difficulties she had faced, pushed for her to restart the year - being with children a year below her. Initially this gave her a confidence boost especially as she had already covered the class work- which used to cause a high level of anxiety. We discussed lots of social stories- hoping it would help her to maintain friendships. She made friends with a group of girls and was very happy. Three months in and we are beginning to have the same issues as before. She hasn’t told her friends about her diagnosis as she doesn’t think they will support her. they are finding ways to leave her out which she recognised. She is very private about her diagnosis- she didn’t want us telling family members etc. The school is very supportive- they have offered to sit with my daughter and her friends and tell them but I’m not sure this is the right thing to do.
I just want to help her but I don’t know how to. She knows I’m there for her and she does open up to me but I would love strategies or advice from someone else who has an autistic daughter who finds making friends difficult. thanks.
Your daughter sounds a lot like I was (although I was never very well liked in primary school). I used to tag along with large groups, but never really built solid friendships and was always on the outskirts. When I was in year 10, I managed to make a couple of really good friends and stopped worrying about the size of my "friendship" group - those girls are still my best friends years later. It might be worth reiterating that the number of friends you have is a lot less important than the way your friends treat you - one or two good friends are much better than a group of eight who make you feel alienated.
Perhaps taking up a hobby would help? I used to attend choir once a week, and although it didn't really help me to make friends, it did give me something to focus on at lunchtime (rather than feeling like a spare part).
It might be worth buying her a book called "Can you see me?", by Libby Scott and Rebecca Westcott. I read it recently and really wish I'd had the opportunity to read it when I was younger.
Thank you so much for your advice- it has been really helpful. I definitely need to work on her self esteem- I’ve noticed she has become very body conscious in a negative way. me and my husband have also talked about her making friends outside of school- but she is very reluctant join groups. With regards to sharing her diagnosis- I agree that it may not be received in the way she wants it to and could potentially isolate her at a later time. I will talk to her about being open about what she finds difficult and how it makes her feel. She just seems to want to spend all her free time alone in her room on YouTube- she’s always on the outskirts of groups- there but not part of it. She says she finds it hard to concentrate when people are talking- loud noises of school environment don’t help- she forgets a lot and often has to ask friends to repeat things. She’s only known these children 6 months so still establishing friendships. Teenage life seems to be so hard nowadays for all children let alone if you have additional difficulties. I’m so proud of her and tell her everyday- I just people to see how much she has to offer.
Just to add, my personal experience has taught me that if I talk about my diagnosis this pushes people away as they start to see me as other. If I simply talk about the issue, e.g I cant do x as it makes me feel y, people are a lot more understanding as they still see me as one of the group
I am an autistic woman and I suspect my child is autistic too.
Like your daughter, I was a very quiet teenager and I found the poor design of the sensory environment that schools approved negatively affected my ability to communicate. My friends with were good communicators, as such, they encouraged me to take part in the dialogue when I struggled to know when I could take turns to talk. Although they were friends in a big group I interacted best on a one-to-one basis so I spent time at a weekend in one-to-one situations. The others were fine with me just seeing one person at a time. As such, I see the problem in being that your daughter's schooling has left her in situations where she is around unkind children, who have poor communication skills. As such, she needs to be looking outside of these groups to make friends.