Published on 12, July, 2020
My 13 year old daughter was diagnosed with ASD/ADHD last March. I have attended many courses/ parent groups to gain a better understanding of how I can support her at home especially with her anxiety. The area I’m really struggling with is friendship groups.
In primary school she was well liked and was in a large group of friends but never had a best friend. However She has really struggled since she started secondary school. She says she doesn’t talk because she doesn’t know what to say and when she does talk says stupid/random things. She’s in WhatsApp groups but never messages or responds to people who message her. I think her peers thought she was quiet at first but her social anxiety started to show and they started to leave her out in the mean way girls can. It became so bad that she refused to go to school.
We moved in August and due to the difficulties she had faced, pushed for her to restart the year - being with children a year below her. Initially this gave her a confidence boost especially as she had already covered the class work- which used to cause a high level of anxiety. We discussed lots of social stories- hoping it would help her to maintain friendships. She made friends with a group of girls and was very happy. Three months in and we are beginning to have the same issues as before. She hasn’t told her friends about her diagnosis as she doesn’t think they will support her. they are finding ways to leave her out which she recognised. She is very private about her diagnosis- she didn’t want us telling family members etc. The school is very supportive- they have offered to sit with my daughter and her friends and tell them but I’m not sure this is the right thing to do.
I just want to help her but I don’t know how to. She knows I’m there for her and she does open up to me but I would love strategies or advice from someone else who has an autistic daughter who finds making friends difficult. thanks.
Your daughter sounds a lot like I was (although I was never very well liked in primary school). I used to tag along with large groups, but never really built solid friendships and was always on the outskirts. When I was in year 10, I managed to make a couple of really good friends and stopped worrying about the size of my "friendship" group - those girls are still my best friends years later. It might be worth reiterating that the number of friends you have is a lot less important than the way your friends treat you - one or two good friends are much better than a group of eight who make you feel alienated.
Perhaps taking up a hobby would help? I used to attend choir once a week, and although it didn't really help me to make friends, it did give me something to focus on at lunchtime (rather than feeling like a spare part).
It might be worth buying her a book called "Can you see me?", by Libby Scott and Rebecca Westcott. I read it recently and really wish I'd had the opportunity to read it when I was younger.