How do I be direct without hurting his feelings?

Im new here, so I apologize if this sounds like a venting session.

I need some guidance on how to deal with my current relationship.

My OH and I have been together for almost 2 years.

He was diagnosed young, and he wasn't forthcoming with his ASD at the start of the relationship.

Things started rocky, and when he told me that he was on the spectrum, a lot of things made sense.

He is very intelligent, and set in his ways when it comes to being "right" all the time, and has put me down on many occasions.

He says what he thinks, and has to make a joke out of everything, even when it is a serious conversation.

ie; a past event came up in my FB memories, one that was a very trying time in my life. Something I will never be able to get over, and I guess I was expecting some sympathy.

He answered with some inappropriate joke, that wouldn't even relate to anything that I was talking about.

I sat there, looking at him in disgust (I make sure my facials aren't blank) and said "really?"

He replied with "what?" And a big smirk on his face like it was the most hilarious thing in the world, disregarding what was actually said to him about what happened to me that day.

A bit of background information.

M is very open with his sexual preferences, and will happily tell me about the women he's been with in the past, and what they "accomplished" in their relationship. He has a dark sense of humour, and is constantly looking at strange things on the internet. (Memes are his go to)

Sometimes I wonder if we will ever be on the same level of maturity, or if I have too high expectations from a 30-something year old male?

My daily struggles include his basic daily routine.

He is messy, irresponsible, and doesn't think he needs to shower or change his clothes daily. It's frustrating, and at times I feel as though I am not his GF, just a live in maid who does everything for him.

I've tried to be frank about helping me out around the house, because he said I have to be direct about what I need from him. He apologizes, agrees to do what I ask, and is ok for a day or two, and then we're back to square one again.

When we're out at a friend's place he will belittle me. Making jokes about my "hard job" and how "dumb" I am. I guess it is a way to mask himself, and to keep the focus off of him, but he has no idea that what he says hurts. I've had to tell people on the side that he "isn't like this at home" because they're worried about my mental health.

I am going out of my mind wondering if we pull through as a couple, because right now I feel like I am a need and not a want.

Apologies for the book.