Published on 12, July, 2020
Im new here, so I apologize if this sounds like a venting session.
I need some guidance on how to deal with my current relationship.
My OH and I have been together for almost 2 years.
He was diagnosed young, and he wasn't forthcoming with his ASD at the start of the relationship.
Things started rocky, and when he told me that he was on the spectrum, a lot of things made sense.
He is very intelligent, and set in his ways when it comes to being "right" all the time, and has put me down on many occasions.
He says what he thinks, and has to make a joke out of everything, even when it is a serious conversation.
ie; a past event came up in my FB memories, one that was a very trying time in my life. Something I will never be able to get over, and I guess I was expecting some sympathy.
He answered with some inappropriate joke, that wouldn't even relate to anything that I was talking about.
I sat there, looking at him in disgust (I make sure my facials aren't blank) and said "really?"
He replied with "what?" And a big smirk on his face like it was the most hilarious thing in the world, disregarding what was actually said to him about what happened to me that day.
A bit of background information.
M is very open with his sexual preferences, and will happily tell me about the women he's been with in the past, and what they "accomplished" in their relationship. He has a dark sense of humour, and is constantly looking at strange things on the internet. (Memes are his go to)
Sometimes I wonder if we will ever be on the same level of maturity, or if I have too high expectations from a 30-something year old male?
My daily struggles include his basic daily routine.
He is messy, irresponsible, and doesn't think he needs to shower or change his clothes daily. It's frustrating, and at times I feel as though I am not his GF, just a live in maid who does everything for him.
I've tried to be frank about helping me out around the house, because he said I have to be direct about what I need from him. He apologizes, agrees to do what I ask, and is ok for a day or two, and then we're back to square one again.
When we're out at a friend's place he will belittle me. Making jokes about my "hard job" and how "dumb" I am. I guess it is a way to mask himself, and to keep the focus off of him, but he has no idea that what he says hurts. I've had to tell people on the side that he "isn't like this at home" because they're worried about my mental health.
I am going out of my mind wondering if we pull through as a couple, because right now I feel like I am a need and not a want.
Apologies for the book.
It certainly sounds like his 'go to' response to you being in distress is to try to distract you... sounds like he maybe just doesn't know how to deal with emotional situations. It sounds trite but you'll probably need to simply tell him what you need from him e.g. "I really need a hug right now" or "<whatever he's doing> isn't helping, can you stop please"
If he genuinely cares about you he'll make the effort to change, but it'll take time and he'll always 'get it wrong' sometimes - particularly if he's 'low on spoons'...
https://spectra.blog/news-views/the-emotional-cutlery-drawer-of-spoons-and-the-social-hangover-autism/
Thank you so much for this.
I was going to try the list thing, but didn't know if it would come across like I was his mother or teacher.
I wake him everyday, and tell him he needs to jump in the shower as it would be a better way to start off his day.
He does have a favourite pair of pants and a couple of jumpers, but would happily wear them daily if I didn't tell him to hand it over! I am thankful he is particular with changing his jocks daily! Phew!
He was recently given a written warning for his personal hygiene at work, so I think having me on his back about it wouldn't be a bad thing.
When he's putting me down, he is correct with what he is saying. I have a shocking memory, and lose everything, and he thinks it's funny, but others find it less than amusing and assume I am being mentally abused behind closed doors.
Yes, when we first met and he was showing me some sick memes I had no idea would even exist, and it scared me off a bit, but he came out, and we all kinda went "ohhhhhh!" And now it is the norm, would you say his reaction to my hard time was just a way to divert my feelings for the minute? He does that a lot. If I am down and out he will send me a million "funny" pictures and not really ask why I am down, just if I am ok. Which is good, but I also have issues voicing my depression.
And LOL! Yes, 2 years, and I am 36... Haha! Good guess.
As I said, I am learning so much, and have a *** load more to learn by the sounds of it
Thank you for your response.
NAS63533 said:When we're out at a friend's place he will belittle me. Making jokes about my "hard job" and how "dumb" I am. I guess it is a way to mask himself, and to keep the focus off of him, but he has no idea that what he says hurts. I've had to tell people on the side that he "isn't like this at home" because they're worried about my mental health.
please read this link:
https://www.borntobeworthless.com/narcissists-belittle-others/
If any of the information contain within rings true then I am more than happy to talk things through with you and these are potentially massive red flags that cannot be ignored.
Gosh... so much going on!
Firstly, I think you might need to separate the 'emotional' behaviours from the 'practical', plus don't be scared to be direct - chances are you won't hurt his feelings, that's more of an NT thing than an NA one!
As a 47 year old NA male who's been married to an NT female for 12 years I'll offer a few thoughts but YMMV...!
Helping around the house - write a list/set a rota, have specific times/days that things need to be done with it clearly marked who is responsible for carrying out tasks
Washing/changing clothes - just tell him 'you smell bad, please go and shower' or 'those trousers are dirty, please change them - yes, it sounds like you're having to be 'mom' but that should only be until he gets into the habit. Some of the not changing issue might be because he likes those particular clothes, if so, buy several sets of the same (I have 5 pairs of charcoal trousers and 5 white, short-sleeved shirts that I have as my work 'uniform' despite my workplace having a 'casual dress' policy...)
Putting you down - this is tricky (I've had the same thing with my wife), he'll probably see it as simply 'correcting' something incorrect and won't attach emotional weight to it - how does he react if he is corrected when he's wrong (factually wrong, not different opinion)? If I'm am corrected in a mistake I am grateful - I don't feel chided or 'put down' it may be that he feels the same. He may never 'get' why it upsets you - however, you can ask him to wait until you are in private to bring these things up
Inappropriate 'jokes' - Yeah, ASD 'humour' is often not aligned with NT 'norms' - we'll tend to go 'too far' so slipping from funny to rude/insulting/inappropriate. I was only diagnosed recently and 'came out' to my in-laws a couple of moths ago, my father-in-law said he wished he'd known years ago as they were worried my wife had married some kind of a-hole...! Now, they can view things from a more informed perspective
The sex stuff - not going to get into that but a tendency toward 'special interests' plus a 'blind-spot' when it comes to what is considered 'acceptable' by the majority can land you in some strange places. In this area I'd just say broadly that if you aren't comfortable with something then he needs to be told, irrespective of how vanilla or kinky he might think it is.
Finally (blunt ASD speaking) - it's only been 2 years, I assume you are also a 30-something? If it's not working out, consider getting out.
I am autistic and my OH is NT. I see a lot of this as a personality rather than a neurotype issue.
My OH's step-dad (who is NT) is exactly like your other half, inc putting his wife down in public. As a child, if he behaved in a way his step-dad didn't approve of my OH was treated poorly, as he craved the love and acceptance of this man he turned into a mini him even though in later life all of the partners he went on to have told him this was unacceptable and he has developed a lot of issues around not being a nice person/others not liking him.
When we started dating I made it clear this behaviour was unacceptable to me and asked him to leave. He broke down and started to open up about how he knew his behaviour was wrong, why he did it and how he wanted to change. I gave him a few months to make the changes on his own terms (he likes to be in control of his own life, like I do), he rarely acts poorly in public now, which is great but is still a mini-step dad when we visit his family. He likes to vist his family regularly so this isn't acceptable to me, as such, we've booked into couples counselling to overcome this hurdle.
I'm still with him as he wants to change and is willing to do what is needed to make this happen. I understand he's human and will slip up now and again, which I need to let go as long as he's trying.
My advice is to talk to your partner about how he makes you feel and what you think needs to change in your relationship to make it work. If he isn't open to change, nor willing to do everything he can to make it work in regards to your non-negotiables, then you need to seriously think about whether this relationship will ever fulfil you and if you need to walk away.
Hi
Sorry to hear you're having difficulties.
From what you're saying it sounds like he's been badly damaged in the past and has no reliable model to use to interface to you.
We tend to be delayed in our growing up because we don't 'get' the rapidly changing rules of relationships as we grow up - it all seems so chaotic and unmeasurable. We develop a mask to make us look more 'normal' so we can survive being around NTs and their non-verbal communication mysteries and subtle hints about stuff we don't spot.
This mask provides a safe firewall between us and the outside world.
As we get into relationships, we have to adapt our mask to include all this new, complicated extras that having someone in our lives brings. We are normally inexperienced in love so we have to 'wing it' - unfortunately, this makes us extremely vulnerable to users and abusers because our model is not sophisticated enough to spot it - until it's blatantly obvious. this damages us really badly - we begin to doubt the abilities of our mask to protect us so we strengthen it to make us more robust and more immune to the abusers.
When this happens more than once, it makes it incredibly difficult for us to lower the barriers. Our difficulties in spotting subtle emotions in our partner mean we appear cold and unfeeling - and our fear of dropping the mask means we tend to say inappropriate things instead as we stumble around trying to bluff through stressful times.
There;s another angle too - we develop our mask by measuring the world and deciding a correct way to fit in and hide in plain sight. This means that we are 100% sure that our way is the right way - and everyone else is wrong. We are totally open to logic and reason so if you can suggest ways of doing things that seem reasonable and sensible, we'll usually go with it. If we try it and it feels incorrect, we will drop back into our 'known correct' ways.
If you want him to adapt his behaviours, you need to some up with solid, logical reasons that he can't deny. You might need to be very direct with him - as long as you don't confuse the issue with emotions and arguments - logic will prevail.
You might even need to be as blunt as "You need to shower and change your clothes more often because you can't smell it as you're used to it - but others can and I'm finding it a bit unattractive."
If he wants to keep you around, he'll improve. His demeaning you might because he's measured you as very much more valuable than you think you are and it's a clumsy way of saying you could go much further if you gave up the pretence of playing the generic lifestyle. (NTs seem to be lost in the consumerist, 'keeping up with the Joneses' rat race life-model). Have you asked him about his views on life, the universe and everything - and have you talked to him about his dreams and what his life-plan is? If you're open minded, he may surprise you.
I'm in my 50s and I'm still a child inside - I love Lego and theme parks. My wife of nearly 30 years has realised that I'm still fun - I've not turned into an old fart (like all of our peers). Are you sure you want him to be a grown up? Trying to pretend you're mature can get really boring when your older. Why not join him in a love of life and finding fun in looking at the world with younger eyes?