Published on 12, July, 2020
Im new here, so I apologize if this sounds like a venting session.
I need some guidance on how to deal with my current relationship.
My OH and I have been together for almost 2 years.
He was diagnosed young, and he wasn't forthcoming with his ASD at the start of the relationship.
Things started rocky, and when he told me that he was on the spectrum, a lot of things made sense.
He is very intelligent, and set in his ways when it comes to being "right" all the time, and has put me down on many occasions.
He says what he thinks, and has to make a joke out of everything, even when it is a serious conversation.
ie; a past event came up in my FB memories, one that was a very trying time in my life. Something I will never be able to get over, and I guess I was expecting some sympathy.
He answered with some inappropriate joke, that wouldn't even relate to anything that I was talking about.
I sat there, looking at him in disgust (I make sure my facials aren't blank) and said "really?"
He replied with "what?" And a big smirk on his face like it was the most hilarious thing in the world, disregarding what was actually said to him about what happened to me that day.
A bit of background information.
M is very open with his sexual preferences, and will happily tell me about the women he's been with in the past, and what they "accomplished" in their relationship. He has a dark sense of humour, and is constantly looking at strange things on the internet. (Memes are his go to)
Sometimes I wonder if we will ever be on the same level of maturity, or if I have too high expectations from a 30-something year old male?
My daily struggles include his basic daily routine.
He is messy, irresponsible, and doesn't think he needs to shower or change his clothes daily. It's frustrating, and at times I feel as though I am not his GF, just a live in maid who does everything for him.
I've tried to be frank about helping me out around the house, because he said I have to be direct about what I need from him. He apologizes, agrees to do what I ask, and is ok for a day or two, and then we're back to square one again.
When we're out at a friend's place he will belittle me. Making jokes about my "hard job" and how "dumb" I am. I guess it is a way to mask himself, and to keep the focus off of him, but he has no idea that what he says hurts. I've had to tell people on the side that he "isn't like this at home" because they're worried about my mental health.
I am going out of my mind wondering if we pull through as a couple, because right now I feel like I am a need and not a want.
Apologies for the book.
I am autistic and my OH is NT. I see a lot of this as a personality rather than a neurotype issue.
My OH's step-dad (who is NT) is exactly like your other half, inc putting his wife down in public. As a child, if he behaved in a way his step-dad didn't approve of my OH was treated poorly, as he craved the love and acceptance of this man he turned into a mini him even though in later life all of the partners he went on to have told him this was unacceptable and he has developed a lot of issues around not being a nice person/others not liking him.
When we started dating I made it clear this behaviour was unacceptable to me and asked him to leave. He broke down and started to open up about how he knew his behaviour was wrong, why he did it and how he wanted to change. I gave him a few months to make the changes on his own terms (he likes to be in control of his own life, like I do), he rarely acts poorly in public now, which is great but is still a mini-step dad when we visit his family. He likes to vist his family regularly so this isn't acceptable to me, as such, we've booked into couples counselling to overcome this hurdle.
I'm still with him as he wants to change and is willing to do what is needed to make this happen. I understand he's human and will slip up now and again, which I need to let go as long as he's trying.
My advice is to talk to your partner about how he makes you feel and what you think needs to change in your relationship to make it work. If he isn't open to change, nor willing to do everything he can to make it work in regards to your non-negotiables, then you need to seriously think about whether this relationship will ever fulfil you and if you need to walk away.