Published on 12, July, 2020
Im new here, so I apologize if this sounds like a venting session.
I need some guidance on how to deal with my current relationship.
My OH and I have been together for almost 2 years.
He was diagnosed young, and he wasn't forthcoming with his ASD at the start of the relationship.
Things started rocky, and when he told me that he was on the spectrum, a lot of things made sense.
He is very intelligent, and set in his ways when it comes to being "right" all the time, and has put me down on many occasions.
He says what he thinks, and has to make a joke out of everything, even when it is a serious conversation.
ie; a past event came up in my FB memories, one that was a very trying time in my life. Something I will never be able to get over, and I guess I was expecting some sympathy.
He answered with some inappropriate joke, that wouldn't even relate to anything that I was talking about.
I sat there, looking at him in disgust (I make sure my facials aren't blank) and said "really?"
He replied with "what?" And a big smirk on his face like it was the most hilarious thing in the world, disregarding what was actually said to him about what happened to me that day.
A bit of background information.
M is very open with his sexual preferences, and will happily tell me about the women he's been with in the past, and what they "accomplished" in their relationship. He has a dark sense of humour, and is constantly looking at strange things on the internet. (Memes are his go to)
Sometimes I wonder if we will ever be on the same level of maturity, or if I have too high expectations from a 30-something year old male?
My daily struggles include his basic daily routine.
He is messy, irresponsible, and doesn't think he needs to shower or change his clothes daily. It's frustrating, and at times I feel as though I am not his GF, just a live in maid who does everything for him.
I've tried to be frank about helping me out around the house, because he said I have to be direct about what I need from him. He apologizes, agrees to do what I ask, and is ok for a day or two, and then we're back to square one again.
When we're out at a friend's place he will belittle me. Making jokes about my "hard job" and how "dumb" I am. I guess it is a way to mask himself, and to keep the focus off of him, but he has no idea that what he says hurts. I've had to tell people on the side that he "isn't like this at home" because they're worried about my mental health.
I am going out of my mind wondering if we pull through as a couple, because right now I feel like I am a need and not a want.
Apologies for the book.
Hi
Sorry to hear you're having difficulties.
From what you're saying it sounds like he's been badly damaged in the past and has no reliable model to use to interface to you.
We tend to be delayed in our growing up because we don't 'get' the rapidly changing rules of relationships as we grow up - it all seems so chaotic and unmeasurable. We develop a mask to make us look more 'normal' so we can survive being around NTs and their non-verbal communication mysteries and subtle hints about stuff we don't spot.
This mask provides a safe firewall between us and the outside world.
As we get into relationships, we have to adapt our mask to include all this new, complicated extras that having someone in our lives brings. We are normally inexperienced in love so we have to 'wing it' - unfortunately, this makes us extremely vulnerable to users and abusers because our model is not sophisticated enough to spot it - until it's blatantly obvious. this damages us really badly - we begin to doubt the abilities of our mask to protect us so we strengthen it to make us more robust and more immune to the abusers.
When this happens more than once, it makes it incredibly difficult for us to lower the barriers. Our difficulties in spotting subtle emotions in our partner mean we appear cold and unfeeling - and our fear of dropping the mask means we tend to say inappropriate things instead as we stumble around trying to bluff through stressful times.
There;s another angle too - we develop our mask by measuring the world and deciding a correct way to fit in and hide in plain sight. This means that we are 100% sure that our way is the right way - and everyone else is wrong. We are totally open to logic and reason so if you can suggest ways of doing things that seem reasonable and sensible, we'll usually go with it. If we try it and it feels incorrect, we will drop back into our 'known correct' ways.
If you want him to adapt his behaviours, you need to some up with solid, logical reasons that he can't deny. You might need to be very direct with him - as long as you don't confuse the issue with emotions and arguments - logic will prevail.
You might even need to be as blunt as "You need to shower and change your clothes more often because you can't smell it as you're used to it - but others can and I'm finding it a bit unattractive."
If he wants to keep you around, he'll improve. His demeaning you might because he's measured you as very much more valuable than you think you are and it's a clumsy way of saying you could go much further if you gave up the pretence of playing the generic lifestyle. (NTs seem to be lost in the consumerist, 'keeping up with the Joneses' rat race life-model). Have you asked him about his views on life, the universe and everything - and have you talked to him about his dreams and what his life-plan is? If you're open minded, he may surprise you.
I'm in my 50s and I'm still a child inside - I love Lego and theme parks. My wife of nearly 30 years has realised that I'm still fun - I've not turned into an old fart (like all of our peers). Are you sure you want him to be a grown up? Trying to pretend you're mature can get really boring when your older. Why not join him in a love of life and finding fun in looking at the world with younger eyes?