Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi
I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years and all has been well. We moved in together a year ago and as our relationship progresses it is becoming a little harder.
My boyfriend is confident and very sociable so I often forget he thinks differently about things and doesn't understand social expectations and rules.
We're at the point of discussing where we are going with our relationship as he admits he is very selfish and likes going out to see friends, gigs , holidays so I often feel he is so busy for us. He can't say if he wants marriage or kids because he can't see his life changing. He often stays at womens houses as he gets on better with them and although I know he would never do anything it plays against what I feel is a relationship expectation that it is not appropriate to be staying out at another women's house when you're in a committed relationship.
I'm a bit lost on what to do to help the situation without feeling like I'm doing everything he wants to do. I love him and don't want us to split up so any advice would be much appreciated.
Hi, some quick thoughts (I'm 52m diagnosed ASD a month ago & married to my second wife for 15 years).
There are a few good books around about living with a partner on the spectrum (can't think of any currently but people will be along with recommendations!).
Hope that helps a bit. And take courage - it *can* work, and work wonderfully.
I agree with a lot of what '...Christmas Cards' has said.
A relationship between two people, whether different neurotypes or not, tends to succeed due to mutual respect, shared interests, compromise on both sides, plus shared values. It sounds like you need to work out:
1.What your priorities and needs are
2.What your OH's are
3.If you're able to comprise or let go of the things you disagree on
4.If your not will this relationshipl fulfil you or do you need to move on
I'm the ND one and my husband is NT. We both bend to meet the needs of each other's neurotype and personalities and rather than resenting this we respect the effort each one is making, which is one of the reasons we work. I met my OH after he'd come out of a 10 year NT/NT relationship. He wanted children, she didn't, he hoped she'd change her mind, which she didn't. It took him a long time, as well as many unhappy years, to accept things weren't right and to make the changes that were needed. We're now married and have a baby on the way.