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What are the keys to a successful relationship with my partner who has aspergers.

NAS63525
over 4 years ago

Hi 

I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years and all has been well.  We moved in together a year ago and as our relationship progresses it is becoming a little harder. 

My boyfriend is confident and very sociable so I often forget he thinks differently about things and doesn't understand social expectations and rules.  

We're at the point of discussing where we are going with our relationship as he admits he is very selfish and likes going out to see friends,  gigs , holidays so I often feel he is so busy for us.  He can't say if he wants marriage or kids because he can't see his life changing. He often stays at womens houses as he gets on better with them and although I know he would never do anything it plays against what I feel is a relationship expectation that it is not appropriate to be staying out at another women's house when you're in a committed relationship.  

I'm a bit lost on what to do to help the situation without feeling like I'm doing everything he wants to do. I love him and don't want us to split up so any advice would be much appreciated.  

  • over 4 years ago in reply to Plastic

    Nice. this. Exactly. I would also like to add: As someone who is autistic, i had to make a conscious choice to be more receptive to my partners needs. There has to be some give and take.

  • over 4 years ago

    Us aspies tend to mask our true personalities to give a simpler, more user-friendly interface.  We tend to develop this mask in our teens as a shield against the chaos and unpredictability of growing up and dealing with NTs.

    We grow to rely on this mask if it seems to get us through life.    It partially defends us against bullies and users.

    A relationship is a major change to normality and he may be having difficulty adapting his safety-blanket mask to incorporate a whole load of new elements in his life - you.

    You need to be open, honest and straight with him so his extra lines of code are good, solid and reliable for him to build a model of you that works for him - and you.    If you are fritzy, emotional and unclear in your communication with him, his model will get corrupted and he'll have difficulty dealing with you in his life.

    You need to also understand that dropping the mask completely is incredibly difficult because most of us have been used and abused in the past so it takes a lot of trust before you see the real person.

    If you're having difficulties, it's probably that he's reached the stage where he realises his mask is inadequate and he's trying to gather data to adjust to you.

  • over 4 years ago in reply to I'm done with Christmas Cards

    I agree with a lot of what '...Christmas Cards' has said.

    A relationship between two people, whether different neurotypes or not, tends to succeed due to mutual respect, shared interests, compromise on both sides, plus shared values. It sounds like you need to work out:

    1.What your priorities and needs are

    2.What your OH's are

    3.If you're able to comprise or let go of the things you disagree on

    4.If your not will this relationshipl fulfil you or do you need to move on

    I'm the ND one and my husband is NT. We both bend to meet the needs of each other's neurotype and personalities and rather than resenting this we respect the effort each one is making, which is one of the reasons we work. I met my OH after he'd come out of a 10 year NT/NT relationship. He wanted children, she didn't, he hoped she'd change her mind, which she didn't. It took him a long time, as well as many unhappy years, to accept things weren't right and to make the changes that were needed. We're now married and have a baby on the way.

  • over 4 years ago

    Hi, some quick thoughts (I'm 52m diagnosed ASD a month ago & married to my second wife for 15 years).

    • Getting on better with the opposite sex than the same sex seems to be common amongst ASD & I certainly have that. I wouldn't read it as a sign that anything is necessarily wrong with your relationship (& in general, seeing ASD behaviour through a "lens" of "normal" expectations runs the risk of being misleading).
    • Communication requires directness; don't leave anything unsaid and hope for it to be obvious; it's likely not to be, to him.
    • I can 100% relate to not wanting to think about change. I don't even like holidays because they represent change.
    • As you know, ASD is invisible (I'm starting to think of it as "doubly invisible" because not only is it intangible, it's often masked). Can you think of ways of reminding yourself that he may perceive the world differently when needed?
    • Tell him directly how you feel when he does X,Y,Z (positive as well as negative) but maybe try to not lay expectations on him - just tell him the facts; given time to process this and adjust, he may well change his behaviour to help you feel better simply because he loves you but this may be difficult if presented as a demand. Revisit it regularly though & don't be disheartened if it takes a long time.

    There are a few good books around about living with a partner on the spectrum (can't think of any currently but people will be along with recommendations!).

    Hope that helps a bit. And take courage - it *can* work, and work wonderfully.