Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello all,
I'm so glad to have finally found somewhere to discuss this.
My partner and me have been together for a couple of years, and we both feel he has AS. Both of us have siblings with AS and I have professional training and experience with people with this condition, plus his behaviours match up on online tests he's taken (though those things are a NIGHTMARE for literal thinkers like him!). We're in our late twenties and have discussed him getting a diagnosis for some time, but we're aware of the time/ effort/ chance of it not being recognised and we're not sure there'd really be any benefit for him or us. However, I'm starting to struggle a little.
I'm a very emotionally colourful person- enormously expressive and open- and I find his lack of emotion so challenging at times. There's zero affection unless I instigate it, though we have a relatively healthy sexual relationship. I can be crying and he'll just sit, blinking at me. He's never said anything emotional about me or our relationship, in terms of how much he loves me or how I make him feel. It's TOUGH, especially as I feel loved through words. I feel like we've tried everything, and bless him, he tries so, so hard to meet my needs, but having to constantly direct him in how to love me makes me feel I'm the only person in our relationship. We're both reaching a point of frustration and huge imbalance. I think he feels he irritates me all the time and is walking on eggshells. I find communicating with him so exhausting that I'm switching off, and I feel enormously guilty and responsible.
I've come to the point where I've realised I absolutely have to stop pushing him for things that are simply not in his repertoire, such as physical and vocal affection. He's tried and tried and just can't keep it up without reminding. I want to learn to love him as he is and stop focusing on my own void, but it's difficult. I have the most amazing relationship with my brother who has AS, and I'm the only person who can communicate well with him, but it's a completely different thing with a partner and strong emotions.
I don't feel I can talk to anyone else about this, as I worry people who don't understand would simply tell me to leave. I absolutely would never leave him. He's the most amazing man- kind, funny and intelligent. I just wish I had the skills to make him always feel that way, rather than the irritating little boy I probably make him feel at times. We're the best of friends and he's the absolute love of my life.
I wondered if anyone might have any advice, such as how to meet in the middle, or even how to learn to put my own needs, regarding affection, aside without feeling resentful. I'm already a very open, honest and direct communicator, but I feel we're so wildly different, that we're still not communicating well, and I'd love to fix that. I'd also like to add that I'm happy to be on this journey with him- people with AS have deeply enriched my life and my soul and I know that learning to navigate this will make our relationship, and me as an individual, infinitely stronger.
I'm so sorry this is is so long, and I'm so grateful if you've managed to read this and could offer any tips.
Sending love, thanks and best wishes.
You sound like my girlfriend. You're clearly devoted to each other and there seems to be frustration on both sides. I could go on and on about the various things to try, reading books about each other etc etc etc but the best piece of information I've come across is this:
(About my NT girlfriend) the love she feels from me is like a plastic cup with tiny holes in, naturally it empties. To top it up with water I need to say I love you, give her an unexpected hug, buy her some flowers. This keeps the statement 'I love her' true as in she'll become worried about whether or not I care for her any more when her cup becomes empty. This allowed me to visualise her need to feel loved in a much more logical way and I've able to keep her cup much fuller recently!
I don't require the same stuff to feel loved, I believe she loves me until she tells me she doesn't! Her very presence in the same room as me is enough to make me feel happy and secure - I don't need affection. This is very confusing to her! It's not that I don't like all that stuff, it simply doesn't occur to me to do any of it naturally for her.
I'm un-diagnosed too, on the waiting list for assessment.
I can also relate to the problems you both mention. I have Aspergers and I get the constant do you still love me? Wheres the romance? This relationship is rubbish blah blah blah.
No matter how many times my wife will need me to comment on how nice she looks I just don't do it. I will often think it but don't remember to tell her it's so annoying. Like I don't need to be told if I look nice so why do you?
It's annoying for us blokes trying to get by in life without our wife's asking for compliments etc or to do romantic things just doesn't come naturally. Well it doesn't for me, I need to be told.
Castle said:It's annoying for us blokes trying to get by in life without our wife's asking for compliments etc or to do romantic things just doesn't come naturally. Well it doesn't for me, I need to be told.
That is just blokes in general whatever their neurotribe is.
Honestly I know loads of NT men who just fit that description
lol ain't that the truth! We're designed to mis-communicate as a default!