Advice for dating a man with Asperger's.

Hello all, 

I'm so glad to have finally found somewhere to discuss this. 

My partner and me have been together for a couple of years, and we both feel he has AS. Both of us have siblings with AS and I have professional training and experience with people with this condition, plus his behaviours match up on online tests he's taken (though those things are a NIGHTMARE for literal thinkers like him!). We're in our late twenties and have discussed him getting a diagnosis for some time, but we're aware of the time/ effort/ chance of it not being recognised and we're not sure there'd really be any benefit for him or us. However, I'm starting to struggle a little. 

I'm a very emotionally colourful person- enormously expressive and open- and I find his lack of emotion so challenging at times. There's zero affection unless I instigate it, though we have a relatively healthy sexual relationship. I can be crying and he'll just sit, blinking at me. He's never said anything emotional about me or our relationship, in terms of how much he loves me or how I make him feel. It's TOUGH, especially as I feel loved through words. I feel like we've tried everything, and bless him, he tries so, so hard to meet my needs, but having to constantly direct him in how to love me makes me feel I'm the only person in our relationship. We're both reaching a point of frustration and huge imbalance. I think he feels he irritates me all the time and is walking on eggshells. I find communicating with him so exhausting that I'm switching off, and I feel enormously guilty and responsible. 

I've come to the point where I've realised I absolutely have to stop pushing him for things that are simply not in his repertoire, such as physical and vocal affection. He's tried and tried and just can't keep it up without reminding. I want to learn to love him as he is and stop focusing on my own void, but it's difficult. I have the most amazing relationship with my brother who has AS, and I'm the only person who can communicate well with him, but it's a completely different thing with a partner and strong emotions. 

I don't feel I can talk to anyone else about this, as I worry people who don't understand would simply tell me to leave. I absolutely would never leave him. He's the most amazing man- kind, funny and intelligent. I just wish I had the skills to make him always feel that way, rather than the irritating little boy I probably make him feel at times. We're the best of friends and he's the absolute love of my life. 

I wondered if anyone might have any advice, such as how to meet in the middle, or even how to learn to put my own needs, regarding affection, aside without feeling resentful. I'm already a very open, honest and direct communicator, but I feel we're so wildly different, that we're still not communicating well, and I'd love to fix that. I'd also like to add that I'm happy to be on this journey with him- people with AS have deeply enriched my life and my soul and I know that learning to navigate this will make our relationship, and me as an individual, infinitely stronger. 

I'm so sorry this is is so long, and I'm so grateful if you've managed to read this and could offer any tips. 

Sending love, thanks and best wishes. 

Parents
  • You sound like my girlfriend. You're clearly devoted to each other and there seems to be frustration on both sides. I could go on and on about the various things to try, reading books about each other etc etc etc but the best piece of information I've come across is this:

    (About my NT girlfriend) the love she feels from me is like a plastic cup with tiny holes in, naturally it empties. To top it up with water I need to say I love you, give her an unexpected hug, buy her some flowers. This keeps the statement 'I love her' true as in she'll become worried about whether or not I care for her any more when her cup becomes empty. This allowed me to visualise her need to feel loved in a much more logical way and I've able to keep her cup much fuller recently! 

    I don't require the same stuff to feel loved, I believe she loves me until she tells me she doesn't! Her very presence in the same room as me is enough to make me feel happy and secure - I don't need affection. This is very confusing to her! It's not that I don't like all that stuff, it simply doesn't occur to me to do any of it naturally for her.

    I'm un-diagnosed too, on the waiting list for assessment.

  • I can also relate to the problems you both mention. I have Aspergers and I get the constant do you still love me? Wheres the romance? This relationship is rubbish blah blah blah. 

    No matter how many times my wife will need me to comment on how nice she looks I just don't do it. I will often think it but don't remember to tell her it's so annoying. Like I don't need to be told if I look nice so why do you?

    It's annoying for us blokes trying to get by in life without our wife's asking for compliments etc or to do romantic things just doesn't come naturally. Well it doesn't for me, I need to be told.

Reply
  • I can also relate to the problems you both mention. I have Aspergers and I get the constant do you still love me? Wheres the romance? This relationship is rubbish blah blah blah. 

    No matter how many times my wife will need me to comment on how nice she looks I just don't do it. I will often think it but don't remember to tell her it's so annoying. Like I don't need to be told if I look nice so why do you?

    It's annoying for us blokes trying to get by in life without our wife's asking for compliments etc or to do romantic things just doesn't come naturally. Well it doesn't for me, I need to be told.

Children
  • I honestly don't know how she puts up with me? She has learnt to accept me more over the years but there will always be obstacles in our way because of me having AS. The key is she sits me down and tells me straight when things are getting a bit much so then I kind of get back on track and try and be the husband she wants but then I always seem to slip off it's a cycle of on off : )

    We have our laughs aswell she has got me a few times when shes said we have guests around when I've just got in from work and she said it's funny seeing the fakeness of my face going from really annoyed to pulling the most ridiculous fake smile ever to walk in the room and greet them for her to then turn around as say I'm joking! Arghhh Haha. I really do dislike having visitors especially unexpected because then the mask comes out.

  • Your replies are so eloquent and helpful, and I'm very grateful for your input. 

    Our relationship is similar to yours- our opposite attributes are so helpful to one another's lives and growth as people. Opposites attract for a reason! I've also struggled with my partner's obsession for his interest, but I've worked extremely hard on accepting that and we're in a much better place with it now! It was actually realising that it might be part of AS or something similar, rather than his wanting to avoid me, which helped me accept this. 

    Thing is, no one is perfect, NT or otherwise, and no one is ever going to find a partner where everything is perfect. I believe the value of our love is accepting and working with what you have (as long as the good outweighs the bad and it benefits you as a person in the grand scheme). God knows how many of my own flaws he accepts! I actually think he thinks I'm perfect which is just SO far from the truth! 

    I am so happy that there are couples who are making this work. It would be a horrible shame if only NTs dated NTs, and people with AS only dated people with AS!

  • She is the most beautiful woman I have ever met. I also say she is my better half because shes got the part of the brain I don't have she explains things to me from different angles. Whether it be lyrics in a song that I don't understand the meaning of or for instance if I take something literally she will explain and calm me down.

    I help her with organising appointments and finances so it works both ways.

    I love her dearly and I know she loves me because she puts up with alot of things that annoy her from me that I don't do intentionally. I think a big problem in our lifes is my obsession with my interest that unfortunately if I was on my own wouldn't be a problem but because I'm married it can get in the way of spending precious time together. 

    So I have Saturday night specifically just for me and her to watch TV together spend a bit of time in each others company.

    I'm sorry I can't offer much advice as I struggle myself in this area. I hope you find some answers to your problem.

  • I bet it's annoying- and also frustrating on the other side when you have to ask for these things! :) It can feel tiring and lead to a lot of unhappiness.  

    This is kind of what I'm getting at- we've been raised in a world which teaches us that love means compliments, affection, lots of emotional conversation, etc. I believe it's as difficult for a NT person to undo a lifetime of conditioning towards that notion as it is for someone with AS to want to do those things... so where does that leave us all? What's the middle ground? 

    Really sorry your wife feels that way sometimes, by the way. Must be hard for you both. 

  • Honestly I know loads of NT men who just fit that description Grin

  • lol ain't that the truth! We're designed to mis-communicate as a default!

  • It's annoying for us blokes trying to get by in life without our wife's asking for compliments etc or to do romantic things just doesn't come naturally. Well it doesn't for me, I need to be told.

    That is just blokes in general whatever their neurotribe is.

  • It's annoying for us blokes trying to get by in life without our wife's asking for compliments

    That's really made me laugh, I can imagine the response you'd get to that too! It's true though, we think you look fantastic all the time, why do you need to be reminded?? Oh, because you're NT.... Upside down

    On a more serious note though, I do now literally ask her to tell me exactly what she wants. For example, I'm terrible at gauging emotion, I can tell when she's feeling low, but I have no idea how deep that goes. So when she comes to me with an issue I now find out whether she wants it solving or she just wants to vent at me and get a hug. (I automatically go into problem-solving mode, with as little emotion as possible!)