Hello! I am Terrified

I may as well change my name to that but here goes. 

I'm 30, female, recently moved out from home and have severe social anxiety disorder. I come from an emotionally abusive background and this year finally decided to move.

I spent the earlier part of my 20s within mental health services being treated primarily for depression and severe social anxiety disorder. But one of the councillors at the time passed a comment that I'm probably on the spectrum somewhere saying it's like 'I'm talking to a five year old'.

Since then( when I was over the worst of my depression). I've been looking into all things high and low functioning autism. I spoke to my mother about it as she would be the best to assist in an assessment, but she wants nothing to do with it, so I've just been keeping quiet all this time.

I'm currently working from home after struggling in and out of jobs. But earning no where near enough to sustain living alone. Something I will face within a few years minimum. I feel like I'm in a constant downward spiral and I dont know what to do or where to turn anymore.

I just want to be able to function normally but I feel like all the doors are closed shut for me now. Sorry for typing all this I'm not even sure where I'm going with this anymore. 

I feel like it's going to drag me back down to those dark days and I dont want to go back there anymore.

As a quote from kid me: today's the day I'll be happy and not cry. I'm still trying for that day. 

Sorry to bother you all and thanks in advance for reading! It means a lot. ;u;

  • I've been in your situation so know how isolating and upsetting it can be, as well as how long it can take to work through all of this **** to become a happy and healthy individual. It sounds like your making lots of positive steps forward and are finally at the start of the way up. You've made all of these positive changes on your own, without a supportive background - you come across as an inspiring individual who has a lot of determination, drive and resilience.

    In regards to your financial situation have you considered applying for PIP. In addition to the income, this would bring in you could apply for the disability premium of working tax credits, as well as the premium for housing benefit.

    Although I only have the label of autistic now, I was originally mis-diagnosed with bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder and originally received PIP due to these labels and the impact they had on my day-to-day living.

  • I think NAS50301 has given some very helpful suggestions! I agree that it can seem very isolating, upsetting, and difficult to walk through all of this, but I also see that you are making many strives forward! Please keep at it, as I also see that you have lots of determination and resilience. 

    I'm sorry to hear that your mother didn't want to assist you with your assessment. I can relate to that. My mother didn't want me to be diagnosed with anything, as she thinks labels are degrading, but without the diagnosis I wasn't able to access any support...  I eventually went to get a diagnosis by myself, which was very stressful. I also didn't have much money, so I had to wait almost 2 years with the NHS. I attended the interview alone, but finally got a diagnosis. What had been very helpful was that I wrote a "personal history" for the assessor, which mainly summarises my childhood issues as well as current difficulties. So it's possible to go alone.

    I can relate you your quote as a kid! I cried a lot when I was a kid, and I often tell myself the same thing. I sometimes find motivational speeches, like those on TED talks quite inspiring, and sometimes makes me more motivated. Especially those who have come from similar backgrounds and understands the struggles going through poverty, physical or mental disabilities, or abuse and bullying. I also find that watching talks about other issues (e.g., environment, technology) can be quite interesting too, and can help me think about something different than focus on my current difficulties. It's some of the things that help me. Not sure if you would find it helpful as well.