Published on 12, July, 2020
I have just been hit by the biggest curve ball ever!
I knew my husband was different from the day I met him, at first I thought he was "slow" but he showed huge intelligence in other areas of his life. I now know that he displayed classic symptoms of Aspergers ie, no eye contact, limited to no emotion, and seperating himself in social situations.
Roll on 25 years and one child later....this man has driven me to distraction but I have learned to adapt to my own detriment and my self esteem being at a all time low. I made allowances for him as he had a shitty upbringing and I thought this was why he behaved the way he did.
This is what happened and how I stepped into the world of Aspergers. Last weekend he took it upon himself to dust, and hoover the bedroom (it had only just been done) and to wash the en-suite bathroom floor. When he had finished he came downstairs and started to read the paper however he had pulled everything out and left stuff all over the place. I asked him what he was going to do with it as I didn't want him to throw any of my stuff out but he ignored me, so I asked him again, again he ignored me, I asked a total of 5 times but it was like he couldn't hear me and could only focus on the job in hand. I confronted him when he came downstairs as to why he wouldn't listen to me, he used every avoidance answer in the book and again no eye contact, this quickly escalated into another row (I use this term loosley as Its me that shouts and he just sits there in a world of his own). There was something about this incident that didn't quite sit right with me as the evening before I was telling him something that happened at work he made no comment and was looking everywhere but at me, I ended the conversation abruptly mid sentance and he said is that it and walked away.
Later that day I googled what could be wrong with him, OMG OMG OMG why had I not seen this? why had I never questioned his behaviour before?
I feel like I have been living a lie for the last 25 years.
I have reached out to my children and their response has been "well he was always different" to "you knew he was odd so this has confirmed it", "nothing has changed just that you now have the information to deal with it".
My husband has given me a good life, hes a hard worker, but it's been like living with a naughty brother. I have no intention of abandoning him or ending the marraige but I am out of my depth and on the brink over being overwhelmed.
I don't know what to do next, I am now hyper vigilant and when he does something he has done a hundred times before I am like "how did I miss that" but in the same token I want to scream at him to stop fxxxing doing it.
He once told me that there was something wrong with him as a kid and had to go to a special school...did he know? I have so many questions but I don't know how to talk to him.
Help me!
Ok assuming your husband is indeed autistic then may I offer my take on how he may just be feeling and trying but Not succeeding to cope.
I will try my best to say how I might feel and how I may try to cope, and how in my inability to cope will start to blame it all on myself. I would assume a lot, feel everyone should notice but never does.
This is my way and is not at all the same for all or maybe even anyone with autism .
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For me if I had been on a holiday like that and was able to let go of all the stress and worry I struggle with each day, I wouldn’t want it to ever end, finally a place I can feel comfortable in and really let go and feel happy.
Then once back home the reality of running a small building firm hits home, it would be a HUGE disappointment having to come back, that may seem obvious, but for me it would be easier to describe to you in a way that a child would feel, so upset I feel like ignoring real life to escape back to a simpler more stress free life. Instead I go back to struggling , not fitting in and all for others not myself.
tantrum kind of thought but I/He will NOT ever admit this. ( A child like thought process, tantrum style,)
He may think you should see all this as isn’t it obvious? ( it isn’t always obvious )
I / he understands the importance of having to work and bring money in to keep life going, my inner child just wants to escape, after all I have just done it! So why can’t I just stay and be happy?
I/ he has been loyal for all those years and apart from football the odd film and drink which is his way of dulling the days struggles and slow the wheels down inside his head. Coping and de stressing the day.
ok so once home I am hurting, hurting badly, I may have assumed you would know how much it meant to me but you did not notice, ( no reason you would as I/ he never says) I then withdraw within myself. ( not judging you just how he may turn it on himself as still upset)
I / he will try to just get on while still feeling hard done by. Back to daily coping and hating every minute of it (not yours or anyone’s else’s fault btw)
You then innocently tell him all about your stressful day, (that’s good), in my head I see and hear you but in my mind is it anywhere near as upsetting as the years I have struggled, the constant struggles I deal with every day of my life but never ever tell you or anyone else. To me/ him it’s not a patch on my/ his suffering, and yet you want me to feel sorry for you?
I am hurting, I won’t tell you, I keep it to myself as after all I am wrong, I must be quite and fulfill my duties. ( again my inability to say how I feel)
on top of all that you think your day was bad? ( it was btw)
I/ He then goes upstairs and starts tidying and cleaning, His way of showing his duties, now he is hurting, he is trying to push himself harder, stubborn and determined to show you just how much he can hurt himself as that’s all he is worth. No one understands just how hard I/ he works, I stop for a moment still hurting and making a statement to show I am only fit to clean or tidy ( child in me/him crying out for help) So I am only fit to do my duties and not worthy of bothering with, nobody can see how much I have done, all I wanted was a longer holiday and wish it could have just kept going.
You then innocently ask me/him why he left things out all over the place?
Thats it! Criticise me, point out my lack of ability, (sulking and hurting even more) gets angry as no one understands, no one cares( childlike).
stomp stomp and shut down, no longer willing to discuss it, don’t bother!
my fault! Why worry about me, after all I have only ever worked myself hard to keep the money coming in, I save as much as I can, I don’t waste it, I don’t have endless hobbies, I dont even go out like most men, The odd pint that’s all.
So thats me and possibly him. I may be totally wrong but I hope you can see that trying to get emotions out and trying so hard to just keep going is a real hard challenge every day, not just one bad day, every day, I keep going As that’s what I must do,
I hold my emotions in, I don’t know how to say without causing others to hurt or be sad,
I am the one who just doesn’t fit.
Thank you for trying to understand his world, not one of us is or will be the same,
The struggles to get across feelings is however common, inability to reach out and ask for help is near impossible. Many internalise it all and just get on with it but the time comes when many cannot keep going, He is now 62 and more likely fed up and no longer has any strength left to keep going.
May I suggest he would Love to sell up and just move to India and rest his mind and body, however may have hinted a lot but it wasn’t noticed or seemed like just wishful thinking and not taken seriously.?
Take care and as others have said keep asking as no two of us are the same. You are awesome for sticking with him this long,
He may not have shown his love in a way you would notice, but his loyalty and his ability to keep going when all the time it’s dragging him down is by far the best love he can give, He has denied himself totally in his mind to carry out what’s right and hopes everything he has worked so hard for is right for his family.
Phew,,, that’s my take anyway based only on how I see it, no one else just me.
Brilliantly written - that's been my life too.
Wow. That sums up for me a lot of the angst and mental washing machine existence of being Aspie.