OUT OF MY DEPTH

My suggestion is to get him to see a psychotherapist. With help he can learn to see some of his social behaviour differently. The main thing to bear in mind is people with Asperger's do not always realise how they come across to others, especially when we're undiagnosed. A third party - a therapist - can often help someone change more than someone in the actual situation because it's human nature to sometimes get stuck in patterns of behaviour, and it's easier to change with a strong outside voice, i.e. the therapist, who will be able to offer guidance without it seeming personal criticism, in the way it can when we say things to people we know well.

Brilliantly written - that's been my life too.

Wow. That sums up for me a lot of the angst and mental washing machine existence of being Aspie.

Ok assuming your husband is indeed autistic then may I offer my take on how he may just be feeling and trying but Not succeeding to cope.

I will try my best to say how I might feel and how I may try to cope, and how in my inability to cope will start to blame it all on myself. I would assume a lot, feel everyone should notice but never does.

This is my way and is not at all the same for all or maybe even anyone with autism .

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For me if I had been on a holiday like that and was able to let go of all the stress and worry I struggle with each day, I wouldn’t want it to ever end, finally a place I can feel comfortable in and really let go and feel happy.

Then once back home the reality of running a small building firm hits home,   it would be a HUGE disappointment having to come back, that may seem obvious, but for me it would be easier to describe to you in a way that a child would feel, so upset I feel like ignoring real life to escape back to a simpler more stress free life. Instead I go back to struggling , not fitting in and all for others not myself.

tantrum kind of thought but I/He will NOT ever admit this. ( A child like thought  process, tantrum style,)

He may think you should see all this as isn’t it obvious? ( it isn’t always obvious )

 I / he understands the importance of having to work and bring money in to keep life going,  my inner child just wants to escape, after all I have just done it! So why can’t I just stay and be happy?

I/ he has  been loyal for all those years and apart from football the odd film and drink which is his way of dulling the days struggles and slow the wheels down inside his head. Coping and de stressing the day.

ok so once home I am hurting, hurting badly, I may have assumed you would know how much it meant to me but you did not notice, ( no reason you would as I/ he never says) I then withdraw within myself. ( not judging you just how he may turn it on himself as still upset)

I / he will try to just get on while still feeling hard done by. Back to daily coping and hating every minute of it (not yours or anyone’s else’s fault btw)

You then innocently tell him all about your stressful day, (that’s good), in my head I see and hear you but in my mind is it anywhere near as upsetting as the years I have struggled, the constant struggles I deal with every day of my life but never ever tell you or anyone else. To me/ him it’s not a patch on my/ his suffering, and yet you want me to feel sorry for you?

I am hurting, I won’t tell you, I keep it to myself as after all I am wrong, I must be quite and fulfill my duties. ( again my inability to say how I feel)

on top of all that you think your day was bad? ( it was btw) 

I/ He then goes upstairs and starts tidying and cleaning, His way of showing his duties, now he is hurting, he is trying to push himself harder, stubborn and determined to show you just how much he can hurt himself as that’s all he is worth. No one understands just how hard I/ he works, I stop for a moment still hurting and making a statement to show I am only fit to clean or tidy ( child in me/him crying out for help) So I am only fit to do my duties and not worthy of bothering with, nobody can see how much I have done, all I wanted was a longer holiday and wish it could have just kept going. 

You then innocently ask me/him why he left things out all over the place?

Thats it! Criticise me, point out my lack of ability, (sulking and hurting even more) gets angry as no one understands, no one cares( childlike).

stomp stomp and shut down, no longer willing to discuss it, don’t bother!

my fault! Why worry about me, after all I have only ever worked myself hard to keep the money coming in, I save as much as I can, I don’t waste it, I don’t have endless hobbies, I dont even go out like most men, The odd pint that’s all. 

So thats me and possibly him. I may be totally wrong but I hope you can see that trying to get emotions out and trying so hard to just keep going is a real hard challenge every day, not just one bad day, every day, I keep going As that’s what I must do, 

I hold my emotions in, I don’t know how to say without causing others to hurt or be sad, 

I am the one who just doesn’t fit.

Thank you for trying to understand his world, not one of us is or will be the same, 

The struggles to get across feelings is however common, inability to reach out and ask for help is near impossible. Many internalise it all and just get on with it but the time comes when many cannot keep going, He is now 62 and more likely fed up and no longer has any strength left to keep going.

May I suggest he would Love  to sell up and just move to India and rest his mind and body, however may have hinted a lot but it wasn’t noticed or seemed like just wishful thinking and not taken seriously.?

Take care and as others have said keep asking as no two of us are the same. You are awesome for sticking with him this long,

He may not have shown his love  in a way you would notice, but his loyalty and his ability to keep going when all the time it’s dragging him down is by far the best love  he can give, He has denied himself totally in his mind to carry out what’s right and hopes everything he has worked so hard for is right for his family.

 Phew,,, that’s my take anyway based only on how I see it, no one else just me.

Then communication is the key.

As for your running - I can understand that - you feel you're stuck with a dud.   You may find he's very upset right now and unable to show it so he's retreating into himself and his football (it makes no demands of his resources).    All a sign of no communication.

Routine is something Aspies like as it creates stability and reduces chaos.  The more things in his life that are fixed and stable, the more energy he has left to put into the chaotic things.   Fatigue is common as we get older too so lots of chaos is draining.

The camper van thing is probably terrifying for him - zero measurable stability.   You would need to fully flesh it out for him with costs and plans for him to make the mental leap to do it.   He would need in-depth details.  If he had confidence in the plan, he'd probably go for it.

Have you asked him what he'd love to do if he didn't have to work?

We've had a long discussion about what we're actually doing and come to the conclusion that we're going to just stop and downsize, move to the country and step off the treadmill.

We've done the numbers and we can live a gentle, comfortable life.

As for grandkids - my daughter growing up and changing so fast is what prompted me to get diagnosed as I couldn't work out what she required of me week on week.  I was diagnosed 10 years ago. 

You need to analyse the way you both function and see where you can reduce the chaos to make life more simple and predictable.

If you can talk to him about your Aspie suspicions and explain to him you sort of understand about stress and chaos, you can probably make some headway into understanding his needs - which will make your life a lot easier without the constant stress and arguements.

Us Aspies are quite simple folk - we have a very young outlook and don't need all the unnecessary grief that comes with being a grown-up.  If we're with people who understand our strengths and limitations, we're good to go.

Your right he doesn't have to pretend in India and we made friends, not life long friends but things are different there, he didn't have to make chit chat either or work to a schedule....I am sitting here at work and this is making me so sad as I want that man in India.

Your comment about being a 16yr old in a mans body is my husband, he can relate to the grand children (for short bursts of time) but he doesn't have to pretend and they love him. He will only play old fashioned games with them though.

He does have friends but they are drinking buddies, he only sees them once a week but that is a routine for him that he rarely breaks.

My husband is 62 and we have no retirement plans as I am slightly younger than him, I have said lets take early retirement but he's obsessed with money and saving it, where I am lets buy a camper van and bugger off.

What do I wan't from life....at this very minute I want to do a Forest Gump and run and keep running. I want him to be honest with me and see if we can work this out (we were on the brink of splitting up). He makes me feel so guilty.

It sounds like he's really stressed and the peace he found in India is addictive.  That may be because of dealing with a completely different culture means Western social norms go out the window and you have to find your own way to interact with the locals.

We go to Florida for the same reason as Disney does not allow problems so it's nice to know everything will be perfect.

He may measure his feelings simply as levels of stress so going somewhere with no stress makes him feel good.  Having stress loaded on him makes him feel bad.

I'm still a 16-year old insode a 53-year old body and I'm very aware of this in social situations.  I can see that everyone around me is sooooo old and that they've lost the ability to have fun.   I'm also aware of NT's complicated way of interacting whereas I prefer direct, honest people so I know where I am with them.  I dislike vague conversations.

It's quite common for Aspies to have be heavily into their hobby - I'm into loads of things.

As a thought, does he have many friends?

Do you have a retiremnent plan / life destination or the reason for working?

What do you / he want from life?

Hi NAS61710, I’m probably a similar age to your husband, and an only child to a dad who’s almost certainly Asperger, and I’m waiting to have my own diagnosis confirmed.

Football monologues ring true of Asperger - with my dad it’s cars. So I feel your pain. Also as Plastic said, high emotion & lots of words can easily trigger withdrawal.

There are many here who can relate to your husband’s experience and help you understand how to get the best from him, and quite a few in your own position who will have heaps of sympathy. You’ve come to the right place, ask and keep asking!

I’m wondering if the long holiday allowed your husband time to reflect on life, and that’s brought up some tough issues to deal with? Mid life is no picnic and takes many people a lot of work to adjust to. So it could be as “simple” as that. Many people with Asperger also struggle to understand and describe their own feelings (alexithymia) which doesn’t help as the mid life readjustment is a lot about feelings.

Keep talking to us.

Well that's annoying - my long answer just got ate by the website gods when I pressed reply.   I'll try again.

Hi,

He is no more busier now than before however we went on a really long holiday to India in January where he was relaxed and we had a great time, since hes been back hes been really restless saying things like he doesn't care if no work comes in (he has his own small building company) and he wants to go back to India for extended periods of time.  When I try to explain that I can't get that amount of A/L in one hit he sulks.

I have for years been saying that the only time we connect is on holiday but I can now see this is his "quiet time" another realisation.

He has no hobbies but he's obsessed with his football team/money and can recall every score since the year dot. If we do go out socially its to the cinema to watch a film of his choosing (no fiction) and to the pub, even though hes not a massive drinker he seems to need this stimuation to help him through the evening. I don't mind the drinking but I refuse to indulge in his football monologues.

I will do anything I can to help him but I am in so much shock at the moment I can't begin to help him till I have sorted out my feelings, at the moment I want to scream, shout and ask him why he hasn't told me how he felt...but I have a feeling someone is going to tell me he's incapable of doing this.

Hi

Please forgive my blunt questions.  Do you know what's going on in his life?  Has something changed at work?  Is he under pressure at work?

A classic trait of Aspegers is the need for calm.  Noise and chaos will tend to make him withdraw. 

If you're 'normal', you might be trying to live to society's expectations that may be very different to his 'deduced' conventions.  He is likely to have worked out the 'correct' (to him) way to do things and he may see your actions as difficult to understand. (for example, my (NT) wife will load a dishwasher randomly where as I (Asperger's) will see there is an optimum way to load it for maximum efficiency). 

He's likely to just want a sensible, quiet life so you may be overloading his ability to deal with you - especially if there's a load of pressure for him at work too.

What do you do for fun together?   Do you have shared interests?  It probably seems crazy, but you might just want to indulge his hobby with him for a while to get him to drop down from a high-stress position so you'll be able to chat to him when he'll be receptive.

He might be resistant to your Asperger's suggestion or, like me, I just saw it as information for me to use to understand my own thought processes.