Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello everyone, I'm a 43yo male, I started looking into autism relating to my daughter originally as she has had many problems over the years (she is now a teenager) and she was diagnosed a few months ago (after a very long process), however looking into her symptoms, and having been on an awareness course I have come to accept that I very likely also have ASD (my daughter is very like me in a lot of ways).
I kind of always discounted it in the past as I have managed to have a reasonably successful career (software engineering), good marriage and 2 children but the last few years I have had a lot of anxiety and depression and I think it's basically down to having spent my whole life masking what I am actually feeling underneath and it just getting more and more difficult to keep it up, and I often feel very panicked and anxious internally, even though everyone around me thinks I'm completely chilled. Small things going wrong often put me into a level of anxiety where I find it difficult to even process what people are saying to me - kind of almost blacking out.
Always found social situations difficult, particularly those with lots of noise and multiple people talking - it feels a bit like having a conversation whilst very drunk where I don't seem to quite get what is going on, usually all I can think of is how long I have to stay before I can leave without seeming rude. When I was younger I would get dragged to parties and clubs and always felt completely isolated from what was going on, and couldn't (and still don't) 'get' what was actually fun about them, but to fit in would always try and fake it. Also find phone conversations very difficult, and maintaining eye contact when talking face to face is awkward (I usually pretend to be thinking and looking away into the distance). I am quite obsessive as well, particularly relating to films,books, music, old toys etc - my wife is pretty understanding about it which is great, though she has always found it very frustrating that I don't like hugging and don't really know how to express what I am feeling,or rather that when she asks me, I don't really know myself!
I'm basically here to see what advice there is for strategies on dealing with it, for both myself and my daughter.
I'm fairly lucky in my current job that I don't really have to travel and I work from home 2 days a week, which helps. Although I did end up flying out to Australia once at pretty much no notice for one customer problem. In my other jobs I've only had to be away the odd day or so for meetings and that sort of thing. I don't mind the odd trip - sometimes a change is nice, but I'm quite a home-person so I wouldn't like to be constantly on the go.
Having that said, I did spend the first month in this job in California and then another two weeks a while later.
I quite like the thinky/technical aspect of what I do, but most of the difficult problem in IT ultimately come down to people and that's the bit I find hard to negotiate. I often have to try and fight my natural inclination of just telling the unvarnished truth which people often seem un-prepared for :-).
Agreed - I often think it must be nice to do something a bit simpler than software as well! Working with my hands or outside (although with the weather today, maybe not), but it's pretty unlikely I could find something that would pay as much, so kind of stuck with it now, not to say I hate it, sometimes I really enjoy it, but it can be pretty stressful, particularly when I have to go to customer sites - went to Tokyo last year to do an installation for Mitsubishi - amazing place but pretty overwhelming with all the lights and noise
Hi Ellie, thanks for your reply, yes I did have a go at an AQ test a few days ago - think the score was 39 (not sure if there is a standard for the tests though - can't remember which site it was on) . I have heard Tony Atwoods name mentioned before but never read anything so will have a look at that thanks.
Hello NAS49988. Great name - do you know my mate 0x4672656400 ? :-).
I'm 40ish and work in IT. Was diagnosed last year. I find the people thing difficult because it seems I generally don't think about things the way "normal people" do, so there is often a "gulf of understanding". Wasn't so bad 20-30 years ago as you didn't get uncle Tom Cobley and his mates playing at IT, but I've found it harder and harder as the average skill and knowledge level has gone down. (Obviously that's not helped by the base level of complexity going up massively over the same time.)
I've found the "masking" and trying to fit in getting more and more draining as I get older. I'm currently trying to think/find something else where I can be more myself, and feel like I'm contributing something to society, yet where I'm still able to pay the bills.
Hi.
I joined the forum 18 months ago and am 43. I have finally been referred. Have you looked at AQ tests? Also, have a read of a Tony Atwood as a good reference point.
http://www.autismforthvalley.co.uk/files/5314/4595/7798/Attwood-Tony-The-Complete-Guide-to-Aspergers-Syndrome.pdf
Lots of kind and helpful miswired clever sods here so do feel welcome and get involved.
i teach a good many aspies as a computer science teacher.... surprised it took me so long for the penny to drop!
Ellie