Hello

Hi, I'm Emma and I have ASD and am in my early 20s.

I was different growing up. I disliked school because of the noisy and fast paced environments! The fire alarms used to send me into a panic attack which was both uncomfortable and so humiliating. School was also hard because of the boys who used to stare and me and then whisper behind my back, but then the girls used to tease me and make fun of me for being Autistic, which at my school the word was an insult. After school I thought life would get a lot easier but it didn't, if anything the ASD got much worse and as time went by I found it difficult to do more things. Dating boys became hard because I couldn't communicate or express myself properly, doing things like my own makeup and painting my nails became hard because I couldn't make my hands do it properly and then there was changes to my routine. If anything changed suddenly it destroyed me, usually taking several days to recover afterwards.

Two years ago my sister was killed in a road traffic accident and this has been the biggest change in my life so far, one I've so far, failed to get over. My sister and I were so close, we spoke about everything including my ASD and she helped and supported me whenever I needed her. After the road traffic accident she was taken to hospital, I could never bring myself to go in and see her because hospitals send me into a vicious panic attack, but not I completely regret not going in to see her. A few days after being hospitalised my sister passed away, she was only 23 years old.

My sister's death affected me in a really bad way. I became depressed after and constantly sad, always feeling tearful but never being able to cry when I felt like I needed to. Instead I developed a problem in which at random points I burst into tears and can't stop crying for ten minutes. My sister left a giant gap when she passed away and it's still there and hurts like crazy now.

Since then I have improved a little. I've remained very childlike but have adult traits about me, although I still like getting toys and dolls as gifts, who doesn't? But I also better understand ASD now and am trying to get certain parts of it in better control. I suffer a lot from anxiety which then causes me anxiety pains which are sooo uncomfortable, and can be really worrying depending on where the pains are coming from. But I had them checked out last year which was a stressful experience and turned out to be pointless as according to my doctor I'm "healthy as can be" which was half relief and then half sadness that I'm stuck with the pains, presumably forever. I used to have a pretty good memory as well but recently that's not so good anymore. I read something or try to learn something and I've forgotten it within a couple of seconds. Does anyone else get this? It happens when my family talk to me, they say something but it's in one ear and out the other. But I don't know why. I used to have a good memory but memories are fading now.

I find it hard to express myself and communicate with all people, my family included but they are really supportive and help me through difficult days. I also find myself at my sister's grave a lot, talking to her about my life and everything that's happened since she died. I find peace in doing this.

But there are good sides to ASD and those are that I can watch my fave Disney movies over and over again and not be bored. I still get fun dolls as gifts and most importantly, it looks as if I'm going to remain forever young... Which I don't think is a bad thing ha ha!

One thing thing I hate though, is having my hair cut *shudders*.

I'm here to hopefully meet some great people.

Emma. X