Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi , my husband is on a waiting list for a diagnosis. We have been together for nearly 20 years and have 3 children ( i believe 2 of my children have Aspergers too but they are not diagnosed). My marriage is incredibly lonely and frustrating. I sometimes wonder if it would be worth divorcing.. I do love him and for this reason and for my children's wellbeing , i dismiss the idea of separating, however my personal wellbeing is very low . When i met my my husband i knew he was behaving differently in many ways and was socially awkward and unable to communicate, however he was very affectionate and i could feel we loved each other a lot. Slowly bu surely i noticed he was obsessed with hobbies like RPG and war games and would spent a fortune in books and gadgets, after I married him he lost his job and while pregnant of our second child he confessed he had debts of over £30,000!!! As he became severely depressed i needed to work, pay his monthly debts, look after the children and the family in every aspect, especially financially. I somehow coped and managed to pay back his debts over many years (he was unemployed for 10 years) , however after the birth of our third daughter he grew more and more distant and his lack of empathy is at times very cruel. I have been severely sick through all my pregnancies but he never helped me, to the point he couldn't see i was almost passing away and needed to go to A&E on my own. He is only interested in his hobbies and computer games and online chats , in fact he spends all days on his computer. We don't have any sexual relationship for the past 11 years, and when i talk about it he says he's impotent and he can't do anything. Although people say I am attractive, i have never betrayed him, despite of not having a real relationship.I feel is not interested and i wonder if he might be homosexual.As a couple we don't share much, i always arrange holidays and family outings for the kids,making sure they have everything they need and they feel happy. He is not involved in family life, i need to ask him to partecipare as he is only interested to his computer games and hobbies. He has only a couple of friends who belong to his same game groups and they are autistic too. Now that our children are teenagers we could go out on our own in the weekends (his family never helped ) but he's not interested , if i take him out he would eat quickly and wants to go back home. I have talked to him trying to explaini my expectations and my pain but he would fall asleep or lose attention , if i cry he stares at me and as soon as I walk away he laughs again in front of his computer. He wakes up very early even in the weekend to watch his videos and playing his games on the computer , i think he has a cyber life. Once i fell over and he walked past me to go back and save his computer game rather than helping me. I am totally invisible to him. I have mentioned to him i am considering divorcing and finally our GP assessed him and referred him for a diagnose. I am not sure i can go on with such a dysfunctional relationship ...I wonder if anyone could share their ideas/ advice...i was a very sociable and positive person but now i feel dead inside...sorry for writing too much and thank you for reading such a long post ...
I think you should see your local citizens Advice Bureau I don't know what assets you have, but if you own Property or assets You want to make sure you are protected if possible so they can't be gambled away on line, unbeknown to you. You indicate he has an addictive personality. It would seem to me he is obviously autistic to some degree, but only an expert can diagnose.
You obviously seem to need some legal advice, just to know where your are. I would try and find the records you have of repaying debts he incurred, if they were not incurred in sustaining his family when unemployed. ie food, rent, Mortgage, whatever. and hid it from you. You do not indicate he is unemployed now. If they were incurred sustaining his family, as you say it took from the time you got married to your second child to come to light. Then it might be considered that is what being married means, pulling together, including financially. You should be commended for rescuing your family's survival, at the time, That is maybe what he cannot face. You saved the family for another day. and not him. But now if your family breaks up as a unit. This will affect your children you should seek help from the CAB in the first instance and not just demolish what you have striven to hold together.
If you were always local to where you live try to find one of your old female friends from school, or who came to your wedding, or work, or even local church, or volunteer with, etc. to start with, I know nothing about Face book etc..
If you believe your children have a Problem then it must be sorted out with your GP, as must your health.
Wish you all the best, I can say no more.
Thank you very much for taking your time to read my post and for your advice, I think the CAB is a good idea. He had debts before he married me and when he lost his job things got worse but he never used any money to help the family. He can't deal with money he had several credit cards which i needed to cancel and once he found a new job i needed to ask him to pay his wages into my account (which he has access to , so i can check how he spends any money) to avoid to get into trouble again. He has his own account now (but still pays into my account so i can keep track of the finance as he admits he is not able to) aand he is been working for a few years, We didn't have a mortgage before but we bought a house a few years ago so i need to be careful as you wisely suggested .i think the legal aspect is very important. Looking after the finance is also very draining although he doesn't seem to understand..I do have some friends and i do go out front time to time, i have some hobbies too, however i can't really talk to my friends about him, they don't understand fully...but i am looking for counseling for NT/AS.
Once again many thanks for your time and help.
best wishes
Sunshine73 said:.
Yes i agree, thank you. I am sorry to hear that you have a lot to deal with too. It's a shame you don't get any help with your son, i suppose after all the government cuts for the public funds the council doesn't have any money left to support people with special needs and their family, I worked as a special need teacher , the government doesn't help with diagnosis and made it even harder recently for the families of children affected by special needs, Regarding my situation, we both paid for the deposit of the house ( i used my savings and he was helped by his father) and it's in both names. He transfers his monthly wages into my bank account so i can pay all the bills, he couldn't cope with that. The account is in my name but he has all the details so he can have access to it. He has his own bank account too but i don't have access to it. My mum and dad sadly lived like you and your wife : separated but under the same roof , i know how hard it is... I will definitely get in touch with the CAB.
Good luck to you and your family too.
Best wishes
You say "We bought a house" This implies you are joint owners. It may have been his potential, or actual income that was use to buy it. Whatever the ownership of the home? You need legal advice and if there may be a breakdown in financial relationships. and not being legally trained I suggest. You need Protection from such as I believe "The Married Woman's Property Act 1964"
Firstly Your Husband, Partner, Parent, Children, Sibling, Friend if being a joint holder of your bank account can in seconds transfer everything in it to his, or their separate bank account and pay off whatever debts,or go on holiday, or Whatever. You are then faced with traumatic legal battle which you may probably lose, because you have given them access with all the risks you have accepted.
Depending what's in it. I suggest You have your own separate bank account, perhaps with a different Bank, because many years ago my Midland Bank took out my personal money from my separate personal account and paid it into my Business account by "Mistake". In over 50 years I have always paid every bill. If you have joint expenditure such as Mortgage, Water, Services etc. that can be still be paid from the Joint account, that you presumably both contribute into as you have decided.
I live with my estranged wife of 53 married years in her house. In the same manner as the Duke and Duchess of York, whereas their gifted home was never hers. I gave my wife my part legally of what was our modest home well over 10 years ago. We are both Unpaid 24x7 Carers of last resort of our severely autistic son now 35 years old, and have become increasingly so since his birth.
I have spent his lifetime fighting our local council to provide for his needs as a disabled person.
I look after the fighting against the council opposition. My wife deals with her home. As parents of our 6 children. My wife has never had the time, or the need to find employment. some time ago we consulted a solicitor to draw up a deed of separation - but was informed there was no such thing. You may get different advice.
So I drew up my own. It has served it's purpose, when needed to establish we lead separate lives. That we were not responsible for each others debts from that day forward etc for our particular circumstances, you may well have your own needs to establish.
Open a new bank account with a separate Bank that cannot be accessed. The same goes for any Credit Cards Cancel any Joint ones, or you could be liable for the Credit Limit if abused or requested for further Credit you may be un-aware of.
It may be advantageous to apply to a couple of Credit agencies for your Credit details. ( only a few Pounds)
The CAB will advise I am certain.