Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi , my husband is on a waiting list for a diagnosis. We have been together for nearly 20 years and have 3 children ( i believe 2 of my children have Aspergers too but they are not diagnosed). My marriage is incredibly lonely and frustrating. I sometimes wonder if it would be worth divorcing.. I do love him and for this reason and for my children's wellbeing , i dismiss the idea of separating, however my personal wellbeing is very low . When i met my my husband i knew he was behaving differently in many ways and was socially awkward and unable to communicate, however he was very affectionate and i could feel we loved each other a lot. Slowly bu surely i noticed he was obsessed with hobbies like RPG and war games and would spent a fortune in books and gadgets, after I married him he lost his job and while pregnant of our second child he confessed he had debts of over £30,000!!! As he became severely depressed i needed to work, pay his monthly debts, look after the children and the family in every aspect, especially financially. I somehow coped and managed to pay back his debts over many years (he was unemployed for 10 years) , however after the birth of our third daughter he grew more and more distant and his lack of empathy is at times very cruel. I have been severely sick through all my pregnancies but he never helped me, to the point he couldn't see i was almost passing away and needed to go to A&E on my own. He is only interested in his hobbies and computer games and online chats , in fact he spends all days on his computer. We don't have any sexual relationship for the past 11 years, and when i talk about it he says he's impotent and he can't do anything. Although people say I am attractive, i have never betrayed him, despite of not having a real relationship.I feel is not interested and i wonder if he might be homosexual.As a couple we don't share much, i always arrange holidays and family outings for the kids,making sure they have everything they need and they feel happy. He is not involved in family life, i need to ask him to partecipare as he is only interested to his computer games and hobbies. He has only a couple of friends who belong to his same game groups and they are autistic too. Now that our children are teenagers we could go out on our own in the weekends (his family never helped ) but he's not interested , if i take him out he would eat quickly and wants to go back home. I have talked to him trying to explaini my expectations and my pain but he would fall asleep or lose attention , if i cry he stares at me and as soon as I walk away he laughs again in front of his computer. He wakes up very early even in the weekend to watch his videos and playing his games on the computer , i think he has a cyber life. Once i fell over and he walked past me to go back and save his computer game rather than helping me. I am totally invisible to him. I have mentioned to him i am considering divorcing and finally our GP assessed him and referred him for a diagnose. I am not sure i can go on with such a dysfunctional relationship ...I wonder if anyone could share their ideas/ advice...i was a very sociable and positive person but now i feel dead inside...sorry for writing too much and thank you for reading such a long post ...
Welcome Sunshine73,
I really sorry to hear how bad you're feeling at the moment. I'm a middle-aged autistic man, though far too hopeless at the dating game to have ever been married, and I do recognise the kinds of behaviour that you're seeing in your husband.
A diagnosis for him may help, but in all honesty, I would try not to pin all your hopes on it, and waiting times may be longer than you can tolerate. A diagnosis may tell him why he is the way that he is, but doesn't by itself change anything about him, and might just justify his autistic behaviours to himself even more. Some help is available for autistic people to better understand the emotions of themselves and others, but it is very hard to come by, and how successful it is depends on your husband's willingness to seek intervention and whether his autistic traits are something that he wants, and is able, to change. Relationship counselling is another possibility, but there are few specialists who understand the unusual circumstances of relationships involving autistic people.
There are a variety of reasons that an autistic person might not be interested in sex. The range of possibilities is as wide as for non-autistic people, though for some of us, sensory differences can make sex either overwhelming or not stimulating enough, and sexual anxieties can be made much more extreme due to difficulty reading subtle signs of other people's emotions and sexual responses. Some of these are treatable conditions, others are just an innate part of who a person is.
In my case, I have determined that my autistic traits simply aren't compatible with a cohabiting relationship, and I've come to terms with this now. The few women that I've had relationships with have been ones who were also looking for a similarly arms length, though not casual, relationship. I think your husband needs to ask himself whether he is truly compatible with married life, or thinks himself able to adapt to it. His behaviours aren't wrong in themselves, but he must either learn to compromise, or choose for himself another lifestyle where they don't hurt other people so much. Some changes on your part may help, but changing yourself to be someone who doesn't need affection and romance is unrealistic and far too big a sacrifice for anyone to expect.
A relationship can't work unless both partners are happy in the relationship, and your emotional needs are not being met; far from it, his behaviour is hurting you, and the pain is no less real if his behaviour is linked to autism. His autism changes what kind of solutions you might seek out, but you should try not to feel as if it's a special case whereby you're duty bound to sacrifice your own happiness. Autism is just one among many reasons why two people could be incompatible, or in other cases, it can be exactly why they are compatible.
I'm sorry if my advice seems quite negative. I don't intend to make you give up hope, and I don't mean to be hard on your husband, as I can appreciate just how difficult relationships can be for an autistic person. Your answer will ultimately depend on whether your husband will acknowledge that his behaviour is harming your relationship, and whether he can and will join forces with you to make the necessary changes. His diagnosis may be a time to bring this home to him. If you can take part in his assessments, I suggest that you do so, as you can confirm the behaviour that distresses you with the psychologist; this will both help with his diagnosis, and could possibly open up new ways to speak about your marital difficulties.
Best wishes.
Thank you so much for you reply, i really appreciate your help. You are very right : unless my husband acknowledges his behavior , the situation won't change, He did a few tests online and he scored that he was Autisitc and when he took an empathy test his score was close to zero. You are also right when you say that Autism is one"of the many reason why two people can be incompatible or , in other cases , it can be exactly why they are compatible" : every person is unique and with their own personality , people can be loving and generous or dishonest and selfish, with or without Autism, autism like any other condition ,affects the individual only up to a point.i am looking for couple counseling with someone who knows how to deal with Autism but it's very hard. I will follow your advice and be part of the assessment , i think it will give me the chance to discuss the difficulties as you said. Reading your reply gave me new insights and i really appreciate your time and advice. I can see you have managed to understand yourself and came to the solution of being on your own , i did mention to my husband (he's middle aged too) that he should consider other options too , maybe he would be happier on his own, i don't think he is as self assured as you are.However you are also right when you say that in a relationship both people can be happy only when their needs are met, so i will really try to come to term with this situation and won't put up with what is not right and healthy for me. Once again thank you very much for your reply and advice, your help is much appreciated.
Wishing you all the best.