Published on 12, July, 2020
My best friend is having a house party tonight and didn't invite me. I am really hurt that she didn't but I know in my heart I would not do well at a house party with my autism. I need my own space and a quite, warm comfy space to think about things. So I know I wouldn't have gone anyway. I would rather be curled up reading a book. But I still feel hurt and wonder if I wasn't autistic, maybe I would be a better person. Maybe I would have friends. It just makes me feel even more different from everyone to not be invited out, even if I know I wouldn't go. It gets me so down and very unhappy with myself. What should I do?
At parties like these, all the girls seem to be getting with the boys, but I am totally terrified of this! And again this makes me feel stupid and unable to accept why I am so different. My mum continuously tells me different is good but for a 16 year old in school with mild autism it so isn't. This might not make sense but I'm upset about all of this and didn't know where to turn to. I hope someone can help x
Hi Jess,
I'm another old fart, but I have a step daughter your age. I'm so relieved she's decided she's not doing the romance thing or the sex thing until she's got in her head whether she likes girls or boys. I also used the discussion to make sure she understood that sexuality like gender is not just binary and she could also be asexual or bisexual as well. None of these are wrong, they are just like colour of hair or eyes - something that is part of you.
I have a condition related to ASD called DCD or dyspraxia. I have a high need for solitary time and a lot of sensory issues. My sexual history before 21 was non-existent and then I ended up with an abusive partner because I didn't think I could do better.
Looks back I wish I could have told my younger self that eventually I'd meet someone who wanted me because of who I was, not inspite of who I was.
I'm now with a lovely man with ADHD/ASD and I am part of his daughters lives too. He and I did a long distance relationship for 4 years between two countries because we both had busy lives that made it hard to get us to live in one country.
So what about sex? Because we really know each other well (we talked daily, wrote lots to each other and spike frankly about previous relationships), when we got together it was magical. Still is. I'm sure his kids are really embarrassed by how loved up we are.
I know the pressures on you in this generation are huge. SD20 has been on Tinder dates and she's had some pretty scary experiences.
If you want to be part of the casual sex scene do get good information and support. Think hard about how you will deal with consent and with safe personal boundaries. Also be aware that you will be pressured into sex acts you might not feel OK about. ASD adds a level of complexity to sexuality, because there are often sensory issues. Be prepared to bring your own condoms and lube and to walk out if a guy won't use them.Be prepared to be direct about how and where you like to be touched - and ask partner's to show you their preferences. Sex like everything else takes some learning, so it's likely that the first few times are rubbish, so.the down side of casual sex is you may not get a chance to practice with the same person.
I guess I'm saying, don't go with the crowd, do what is right for you and don't believe that having sex is a sign you are grown up. I think neurodiverse people do better getting to know their partners first rather than risking hooking up with someone who won't respect difference.