So different from others

Hi Jessicaaaaa

As this was a few days ago I wonder if you've now had a chance to talk to your friend about this?

I remember at 16 my best friend and I did have different interests and as a result sometimes did things separately to each other.  She would often talk about people I didn't know.  Sometimes she went to parties with other people.  I remember at first I felt a bit upset and excluded about it as I thought that I was being maliciously excluded from stuff she was doing, but then I realised that it was because she was doing stuff that I wasn't that interested in.  We still did other stuff together though.  Instead I found my own interests and through them met some other people.  It took a while to get to know other people, but that common interest meant that we already had something in common.  So we could talk about the interest first and then get to know each other.  I actually found that I got on better with boys as friends rather than girls.  I can be friends with girls but I just found that I click better with boys.

I'm still friends with my best friend from my teenage years (30 years later).  We don't see each other regularly but when we do we can easily pick up from where we left off and we can still easily click.  We've both gone off and had very different lives and have completely different sets of friends now, but that is because our interests started to differ at some point and we each had to go our own way and live our own lives.  We still value each other's friendship and the impact that our friendship had on our lives but we also accept that we do not need to speak to each other daily any more to maintain that valuable connection.

If you don't like house parties then you are not alone.  Many people, autistic or not, don't like them either but feel obliged to participate to maintain a certain image or feel like they are not missing out.  As you experience more of the world around you, you will find that people are more diverse than in your own school.  

If you want to socialise with people then you may need to do something that is a little uncomfortable (go to places where there are larger groups of people and talking to people you don't yet know), but you shouldn't need to do something that is terrifying and upsetting.  It is possible to go to social events that aren't 'parties' or where there aren't certain expectations that you aren't interested in (drinking and casual sex).

And you certainly shouldn't feel like you 'have to' do anything sexual if you don't want to.  Sex comes when it is right for you.  Nervous yes, but with a feeling that you want to do it, not that you have to do it.

"Different is good".  Whilst I wasn't diagnosed at 16 I knew I was different and I was repeatedly told by my mother that I should never care about what other people are doing, only what I was doing.  We all hate to admit our parents are right but it is one of the most important lessons I learnt from her.  I truly believe that some of my best achievements in life have stemmed from my ability to celebrate being different, not to follow the crowd, not to accept other people's perceptions of me and never to accept being told that I wouldn't be able to do something.

I hope that you can look at what you want to do and what you enjoy doing and use that to start finding your own way.

Perhaps one thing you should keep in mind is that most of what others describe their sexual experiences are like is vastly exaggerated and was probably often not even enjoyable. They also think they have to do this because everybody else does it and they would look really stupid if they were lacking behind... And they also try to appear normal, possibly without being particularly comfortable with what they believe "normal" is like. You may be less different there than you think. Not sure if that helps you right now, guess it's one of those things lots of people may tell you but you can only believe in at hindsight.

Hi Jess,

I'm another old fart, but I have a step daughter your age. I'm so relieved she's decided she's not doing the romance thing or the sex thing until she's got in her head whether she likes girls or boys. I also used the discussion to make sure she understood that sexuality like gender is not just binary and she could also be asexual or bisexual as well. None of these are wrong, they are just like colour of hair or eyes - something that is part of you.

I have a condition related to ASD called DCD or dyspraxia. I have a high need for solitary time and a lot of sensory issues. My sexual history before 21 was non-existent and then I ended up with an abusive partner because I didn't think I could do better. 

Looks back I wish I could have told my younger self that eventually I'd meet someone who wanted me because of who I was, not inspite of who I was.

I'm now with a lovely man with ADHD/ASD and I am part of his daughters lives too. He and I did a long distance relationship for 4 years between two countries because we both had busy lives that made it hard to get us to live in one country.

So what about sex? Because we really know each other well (we talked daily, wrote lots to each other and  spike frankly about previous relationships), when we got together it was magical. Still is. I'm sure his kids are really embarrassed by how loved up we are.

I know the pressures on you in this generation are huge. SD20 has been on Tinder dates and she's had some pretty scary experiences.

If you want to be part of the casual sex scene do get good information and support. Think hard about how you will deal with consent and with safe personal boundaries. Also be aware that you will be pressured into sex acts you might not feel OK about. ASD adds a level of complexity to sexuality, because there are often sensory issues. Be prepared to bring your own condoms and lube and to walk out if a guy won't use them.Be prepared to be direct about how and where you like to be touched - and ask partner's to show you their preferences. Sex like everything else takes some learning, so it's likely that the first few times are rubbish, so.the down side of casual sex is you may not get a chance to practice with the same person.

I guess I'm saying, don't go with the crowd, do what is right for you and don't believe that having sex is a sign you are grown up. I think neurodiverse people do better getting to know their partners first rather than risking hooking up with someone who won't respect difference.

Hi Jessicaaaaa, according to the passport I’m more than twice your age, but it doesn’t really feel that way. How you feel sounds very familiar - I was always afraid someone would ask me to come to a party or even worse to a disco. Not being good at dancing doesn’t help obviously but I guess many people weren’t, but the noise level was totally unbearable and wearing ear plugs would have been incredibly uncool, plus there were still all those millions of people… On the other hand not being invited or asked was just as bad. Every time that happened it took me quite a while to anxiously check out if my two friends still saw me as their friend or had perhaps got bored of me, and I bet it hadn’t even crossed their mind that I was having doubts about that. Doing things together that they wouldn’t do with other people certainly helped. And as I got older (yes, somehow I must have grown up a little at least) that has become a lot less of a problem. My friends now either don’t really like that sort of thing, or we both know each others’ likes and dislikes and appreciate not having to explain and apologise all the time.

Have you ever told your friend that you don’t like parties of that sort or does she only assume because of how you appear there or because you don’t accept invitations? It may be good to just mention in a fairly casual way at some point that you don’t like whatever it is you don’t like about parties, and how much more you like what you are doing with your friend right at that moment. Perhaps then in future neither of you feels as if there is something wrong with your friend not asking you to come to some party and you not accepting invitations when you do get them. At hindsight I think this would really have made it easier for me back then (or for both of us actually) but I didn’t have the guts to say it and in a way I also didn’t really know why I felt different about it than (seemingly) everybody else (I hadn’t been diagnosed with anything until more recently). But in case your friend knows about your autism that may make it a bit easier. At the age of 16, other kids, especially girls, are definitely old enough to understand it and feel compassionate about it, and there must be something she appreciates about you, otherwise you wouldn’t be friends.

Who attracts me and who doesn’t was also something that took me much longer to figure out. Don’t think that’s a matter of being stupid. There are more people who feel like this, it’s not just you and it’s not only autistic people – eventually you may find them, just try to keep your mind open about who may make a good friend. Don’t know about you but I’m very slow making friends because it takes me ages to feel comfortable with someone, guess that’s something we need to accept rather than trying to change and fight against because that will just end in an emotional disaster.

Obviously I don’t know you, but don’t think you would be a better person without being autistic, you would just be a different person, you wouldn’t actually be you anymore, but absolutely nothing you say suggests that you are bad or unacceptable now, so you don’t need to become better.

Hope that night of the party went o.k. for you? Try not to let it spoil your friendship – even if you are not sure, but give your friend the benefit of the doubt that she simply knew you well enough to tell that you wouldn’t enjoy it and therefore didn’t ask you!

Take care!

Hello jessicaaaaa I am an older male so feel I don't have an answer for you,All I can say is what your feeling is very much similar to me when I was your age,before I go off coarse I am happily married with two beautiful grown daughters so proof that life can get better!  

Please do not feel you must get in with the boys,you may get hurt emotionally, when you finally meet mr right he must earn your companionship,Never rush into anything serious,I for one have misread people thinking they are nice genuine people only to be disappointed. All this sounds depressing but honestly things will work out for you.I was devastated when my long term best mate suddenly found a girl he liked,he just forgot I exhisted,no hint,no explanation he just cleared off. Basically just being neurotypical in his behaviour.we were 17 at the time.

I hung about with his mates but never felt like I was welcome.I knew an older work colleague who really was a nice bloke,his wife set up a date for me and a girl.we have been happily married now for twenty plus years.

not being autistic wouldn't be any better,just crazy normal stuff. You are super intelligent and like all the others on the spectrum here your words and there's show absolutely show how caring and emotional autistic people are.please try to accept things are what they are,focus on things that make you happy. One thing for sure is your not stupid,take care and I hope some of our awesome female members will have some useful information for you.brian.