So different from others

Hi Jessicaaaaa, according to the passport I’m more than twice your age, but it doesn’t really feel that way. How you feel sounds very familiar - I was always afraid someone would ask me to come to a party or even worse to a disco. Not being good at dancing doesn’t help obviously but I guess many people weren’t, but the noise level was totally unbearable and wearing ear plugs would have been incredibly uncool, plus there were still all those millions of people… On the other hand not being invited or asked was just as bad. Every time that happened it took me quite a while to anxiously check out if my two friends still saw me as their friend or had perhaps got bored of me, and I bet it hadn’t even crossed their mind that I was having doubts about that. Doing things together that they wouldn’t do with other people certainly helped. And as I got older (yes, somehow I must have grown up a little at least) that has become a lot less of a problem. My friends now either don’t really like that sort of thing, or we both know each others’ likes and dislikes and appreciate not having to explain and apologise all the time.

Have you ever told your friend that you don’t like parties of that sort or does she only assume because of how you appear there or because you don’t accept invitations? It may be good to just mention in a fairly casual way at some point that you don’t like whatever it is you don’t like about parties, and how much more you like what you are doing with your friend right at that moment. Perhaps then in future neither of you feels as if there is something wrong with your friend not asking you to come to some party and you not accepting invitations when you do get them. At hindsight I think this would really have made it easier for me back then (or for both of us actually) but I didn’t have the guts to say it and in a way I also didn’t really know why I felt different about it than (seemingly) everybody else (I hadn’t been diagnosed with anything until more recently). But in case your friend knows about your autism that may make it a bit easier. At the age of 16, other kids, especially girls, are definitely old enough to understand it and feel compassionate about it, and there must be something she appreciates about you, otherwise you wouldn’t be friends.

Who attracts me and who doesn’t was also something that took me much longer to figure out. Don’t think that’s a matter of being stupid. There are more people who feel like this, it’s not just you and it’s not only autistic people – eventually you may find them, just try to keep your mind open about who may make a good friend. Don’t know about you but I’m very slow making friends because it takes me ages to feel comfortable with someone, guess that’s something we need to accept rather than trying to change and fight against because that will just end in an emotional disaster.

Obviously I don’t know you, but don’t think you would be a better person without being autistic, you would just be a different person, you wouldn’t actually be you anymore, but absolutely nothing you say suggests that you are bad or unacceptable now, so you don’t need to become better.

Hope that night of the party went o.k. for you? Try not to let it spoil your friendship – even if you are not sure, but give your friend the benefit of the doubt that she simply knew you well enough to tell that you wouldn’t enjoy it and therefore didn’t ask you!

Take care!

Hi Jessicaaaaa, according to the passport I’m more than twice your age, but it doesn’t really feel that way. How you feel sounds very familiar - I was always afraid someone would ask me to come to a party or even worse to a disco. Not being good at dancing doesn’t help obviously but I guess many people weren’t, but the noise level was totally unbearable and wearing ear plugs would have been incredibly uncool, plus there were still all those millions of people… On the other hand not being invited or asked was just as bad. Every time that happened it took me quite a while to anxiously check out if my two friends still saw me as their friend or had perhaps got bored of me, and I bet it hadn’t even crossed their mind that I was having doubts about that. Doing things together that they wouldn’t do with other people certainly helped. And as I got older (yes, somehow I must have grown up a little at least) that has become a lot less of a problem. My friends now either don’t really like that sort of thing, or we both know each others’ likes and dislikes and appreciate not having to explain and apologise all the time.

Have you ever told your friend that you don’t like parties of that sort or does she only assume because of how you appear there or because you don’t accept invitations? It may be good to just mention in a fairly casual way at some point that you don’t like whatever it is you don’t like about parties, and how much more you like what you are doing with your friend right at that moment. Perhaps then in future neither of you feels as if there is something wrong with your friend not asking you to come to some party and you not accepting invitations when you do get them. At hindsight I think this would really have made it easier for me back then (or for both of us actually) but I didn’t have the guts to say it and in a way I also didn’t really know why I felt different about it than (seemingly) everybody else (I hadn’t been diagnosed with anything until more recently). But in case your friend knows about your autism that may make it a bit easier. At the age of 16, other kids, especially girls, are definitely old enough to understand it and feel compassionate about it, and there must be something she appreciates about you, otherwise you wouldn’t be friends.

Who attracts me and who doesn’t was also something that took me much longer to figure out. Don’t think that’s a matter of being stupid. There are more people who feel like this, it’s not just you and it’s not only autistic people – eventually you may find them, just try to keep your mind open about who may make a good friend. Don’t know about you but I’m very slow making friends because it takes me ages to feel comfortable with someone, guess that’s something we need to accept rather than trying to change and fight against because that will just end in an emotional disaster.

Obviously I don’t know you, but don’t think you would be a better person without being autistic, you would just be a different person, you wouldn’t actually be you anymore, but absolutely nothing you say suggests that you are bad or unacceptable now, so you don’t need to become better.

Hope that night of the party went o.k. for you? Try not to let it spoil your friendship – even if you are not sure, but give your friend the benefit of the doubt that she simply knew you well enough to tell that you wouldn’t enjoy it and therefore didn’t ask you!

Take care!