Panic

Above post reported to moderators.  'aspecialist' is a known 'sock-puppet' shilling unproven therapies.  They have been banned already from other autism websites I belong to.

Hi there! Autism is characterized by varying degrees of difficulties in social interaction and in communication. Just be honest to the person or specialist who'll be evaluating you so you can be provided some appropriate interventions, if any. If you're also interested, you can consider natural interventions that could make yourself feel better. Take time to visit leading naturopathy expDELETED ne.

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Oh yes - I've had the old "but everyone does/feels/thinks that" treatment many, many times - even since my formal diagnosis.

The trouble is that people can only see your external behaviour - but it's the inner turmoil that they can't see which is at the root of so much anxiety.  Your example of the present giving is a perfect example.  I waste hours almost every day like that - deliberating whether some action or other is appropriate or not, how others might react etc. It's having to "work out" consciously what most people just seem to have a "gut instinct" for.  I know just how exhausting and frustrating that can be.

Likewise with conversation.  It is rare that I initiate an exchange - the other person has to break me off from my over-thinking to get things started.  Otherwise I'll spend an age trying to come up with an appropriate opening gambit.

Part of the problem is that all of the autistic traits are behaviours that all people do show from time to time.  What is different in autism is both the degree, and the inner causes, of the behaviour.  The words available to describe those things were mostly defined by non-autistic people.  So there's no language that we can use which can really give most non-autistic people an insight into what's really going on inside.  Whatever words we choose will be misinterpreted as something that the non-autisitc person is familiar with, rather than what we really mean.

It sounds as if getting a diagnosis should be very helpful for you.  It seems to be very common in undiagnosed adults to struggle with knowing what the "baseline" of behaviour is when we compare to the people around us.  How much anxiety is "normal"?  How much procrastination is "normal"? How often do "normal" people read the situation incorrectly? and so on.  That kind of self-doubt is not easy to live with, as I'm sure you know.

Whatever the outcome of your referral, you will at least get some answers to many of those kind of doubts.  For me, and I think many other people, the reassurance of finally having a clear picture of how we "measure up" has relieved us of a huge burden of anxiety and self-doubt.

Thanks both for your messages.

I have been here for around a month or so.  I've got my 15 page history, my 8 page current issues, and my 10 page colour coded issues ready to go.

The hard thing is not knowing what's normal and whether Im a fraud.

People around me say that what Im going through is normal, loads of people struggle with what I go through. Really? Then why is it when I look around people are so much more forward in their lives compared to me?

I've been lurking here a while and have a few messages elsewhere. I got one about socialising at the moment.

I guess while I have a captive audience now, I'll just share the latest thing that Im annoyed with at myself.

I want to give someone a present. Good friend, I don't fancy them, there's no ulterior motives. I got a present for one person, then got worried that that might suggest I was hitting on someone, so got another five people including the good friend, one of these presents. Then I summised that giving the same present to those five people outside of the original one would lessen the gravitas of the present to the original person. But I thought today, no, I must give said present. But I can't approach said person to give them the present unless they're on their own.

Why couldn't I just go up to them and give them the present?

Someone walks up to me, opens dialogue, I can respond to it. But not the other way around. I want to scream. I've had enough.

Oh that's not everything Im going through, but it's just the latest thing to add to my list. 

Being mid-diagnosis myself, I too have suffered from impostor syndrome and was nervous about my referral and screening appointments for many reasons. But the professionals involved were incredibly knowledgable and sensitive to the point where both appointments went from being terrifying to actually enjoyable after a few minutes.

Stressing about new situations may be something you suffer with so there's nothing I can say to fix that, but please try and relax. These people are there to help and to try their best to service an area of health care that they are passionate about. They aren't there to catch you out. If it were obvious whether we were on the spectrum or not, we'd just work it out ourselves. They are there to answer that question, so it's always valid for anyone to ASK that question.

By the way, I'm not rain man lol. I have a satifying and well paying job. I own a house and a nice car. I enjoy some expensive hobbies and have friends who I love dearly and I get the impression some of them may even like meback! :) My point is just because you pass as a functioning adult, doesn't mean you don't have very real and very hidden problems caused by being on the spectrum. And try to believe this: getting an answer is far more valuable than what the answer is. All the best with your journey.

I hope this helps in some small way.

Welcome,

Naturally, I'm not in a position to say whether a diagnosis is likely.  However, I would like to reassure you that feeling like you may be an "impostor" is very, very common amongst people who are not diagnosed until later in life (I assume you are an adult as you indicate that you arranged your appointments yourself).

Anyone competent to perform an assessment will be well aware that undiagnosed autistic people often have, as you say a "mask".  I was in my forties when diagnosed, so I wore my mask for a long time - fooling most of the people around me, most of the time.  However, my diagnosis was in little doubt from very first session of my evaluation.  The most important thing is simply to be as honest as possible with the person doing the evaluation - the design of the process, and the training of the professionals involved, should easily see behind your usual masking behaviours.

In the meantime, make yourself at home here, and get to know some people who are more confident in their diagnosis.  Learning which of the experiences we talk about seem familiar to you should go a long way to calming your fears.

Best wishes.