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Panic

Undiagnosed4321

I decided I didn't want to wait for the GP and getting caught up in the system.

I want to know one way or the other.

So I found someone who can do a pre-assesment privately. I really want to use it just as a starting point.

I've been given a date. Now Im panicing. Not in terms of what the result might be, but that it is accurate, that I present myself properly warts and all, that the assessor will see through any masks I put on, and accurately diagnose. Then there's the bit of me that says have I built this up too much? I think I have problems, people around me say it's normal behaviour and I just need to practice. What if Im a fraud and given over one image of myself and everyones really disappointed in me and it's a big waste of time because it's found that Im just actually normal? Then there's the waste in time and money.

Scared.

Parents

  • Oh yes - I've had the old "but everyone does/feels/thinks that" treatment many, many times - even since my formal diagnosis.

    The trouble is that people can only see your external behaviour - but it's the inner turmoil that they can't see which is at the root of so much anxiety.  Your example of the present giving is a perfect example.  I waste hours almost every day like that - deliberating whether some action or other is appropriate or not, how others might react etc. It's having to "work out" consciously what most people just seem to have a "gut instinct" for.  I know just how exhausting and frustrating that can be.

    Likewise with conversation.  It is rare that I initiate an exchange - the other person has to break me off from my over-thinking to get things started.  Otherwise I'll spend an age trying to come up with an appropriate opening gambit.

    Part of the problem is that all of the autistic traits are behaviours that all people do show from time to time.  What is different in autism is both the degree, and the inner causes, of the behaviour.  The words available to describe those things were mostly defined by non-autistic people.  So there's no language that we can use which can really give most non-autistic people an insight into what's really going on inside.  Whatever words we choose will be misinterpreted as something that the non-autisitc person is familiar with, rather than what we really mean.

    It sounds as if getting a diagnosis should be very helpful for you.  It seems to be very common in undiagnosed adults to struggle with knowing what the "baseline" of behaviour is when we compare to the people around us.  How much anxiety is "normal"?  How much procrastination is "normal"? How often do "normal" people read the situation incorrectly? and so on.  That kind of self-doubt is not easy to live with, as I'm sure you know.

    Whatever the outcome of your referral, you will at least get some answers to many of those kind of doubts.  For me, and I think many other people, the reassurance of finally having a clear picture of how we "measure up" has relieved us of a huge burden of anxiety and self-doubt.

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  • Oh yes - I've had the old "but everyone does/feels/thinks that" treatment many, many times - even since my formal diagnosis.

    The trouble is that people can only see your external behaviour - but it's the inner turmoil that they can't see which is at the root of so much anxiety.  Your example of the present giving is a perfect example.  I waste hours almost every day like that - deliberating whether some action or other is appropriate or not, how others might react etc. It's having to "work out" consciously what most people just seem to have a "gut instinct" for.  I know just how exhausting and frustrating that can be.

    Likewise with conversation.  It is rare that I initiate an exchange - the other person has to break me off from my over-thinking to get things started.  Otherwise I'll spend an age trying to come up with an appropriate opening gambit.

    Part of the problem is that all of the autistic traits are behaviours that all people do show from time to time.  What is different in autism is both the degree, and the inner causes, of the behaviour.  The words available to describe those things were mostly defined by non-autistic people.  So there's no language that we can use which can really give most non-autistic people an insight into what's really going on inside.  Whatever words we choose will be misinterpreted as something that the non-autisitc person is familiar with, rather than what we really mean.

    It sounds as if getting a diagnosis should be very helpful for you.  It seems to be very common in undiagnosed adults to struggle with knowing what the "baseline" of behaviour is when we compare to the people around us.  How much anxiety is "normal"?  How much procrastination is "normal"? How often do "normal" people read the situation incorrectly? and so on.  That kind of self-doubt is not easy to live with, as I'm sure you know.

    Whatever the outcome of your referral, you will at least get some answers to many of those kind of doubts.  For me, and I think many other people, the reassurance of finally having a clear picture of how we "measure up" has relieved us of a huge burden of anxiety and self-doubt.

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