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How to deal with having no friends?

Bob

It's been the exact same throught my life so far - where I always feel and assume I'm appreciated until I find out otherwise through hearing them talk bad about me behind my back or excluding me from group chats etc. I love talking to people and making friends but it feels like people just don't want to know me, I remember my autism team saying it's temporary and I've just had a bit of a bad experience still seeing I'm quite young but it's all that I know - spending so much time getting to know people and trying to fit in when they never liked me in the first place but never had enough respect to tell me to my face. My biggest fear is being a loner but it's not like I really have anywhere else to go 

  • I have this problem although it’s less of an issue as I’m married and he’s enough company for me. I will say this though, it’s really not that people don’t like you. Well not exactly. It’s that they don’t like the uncanny valley effect. From a neurotypical standpoint you’re slightly off, a bit strange, not behaving normally and therefore probably hiding something or being secretive or lying. That’s genuinely what they feel but usually subconsciously. They don’t understand what’s different about you and attribute it to the wrong things, even though they initially like you or know you’re autistic. It’s easier to be friends with people who are slightly on the spectrum or who are, for example, dyslexic or foreign. People with dyslexia are half in our tribe and half neurotypical. Foreigners don’t have the same social cues and therefore don’t pick up on our otherness. That’s my experience anyway. But please remember it’s not about you. They don’t dislike you, it’s the difference in you. 

  • Any chance you can build on your interests with a view to hopefully encountering like-minded people?

    Maybe, look for acquaintances with shared interests first, then if they evolve into friends - that is the bonus.

    It is not easy for me to access whether someone really is a "friend" - so I am not claiming particular expertise on this topic!

  • I've not had any friends outside of work in almost 10 years and it has never bothered me, I've been in a relationship a few years a go and thats all I ever needed.

    But now there is this guy at work I'm thinking of making friends with or trying, he likes my photography and is a photography student, I would love to show him the places I visit and show him how I take my photos, and what kind of thing he is learning and what type of photography he wants to do.

    In short it would be nice to share the love of photography with someone again.

  • I have also had problems making real conections most of my life - I couldn't figure out why it was so hard for me, the struggle and fear that grew about how people perceived me led to social anxiety disorder. I was undiagnosed with autism until last year. It is only last year and this year that I have met some really great people that I really got on with, and made genuine friends and allow me to be myself entirely around them. The school and even university environment is great at making us feel like we don't fit in and that the "rejection" we face there will be permanent, but when you're out of there and liivng your actual life you meet people that are so different and don't require soo much effort.

    You are not afraid and enjoy talking to people, I had a lot of self-development to do and healing before reaching that point. Never loose that, it is an admireable strength. You mustn't loose faith either, your tribe is out there. The universe will place them with you probably when you least expect it - focus on yourself, your goals and what you enjoy for the time being.

  • in reply to Lotus

    I understand to and like Lotus I'm in my sixties, I have a few acquaintances, but no actual friends anymore, my last one has drifted off with a new partner.

    It's all very well joining things, but if you find you have nothing or very little in common then it's hard to make or sustain friendships. I find I always managed to inadvertently upset the queen bee of any group, just by walking into a room, I don't do any better with men either, so many see me as a threat, often because of something as stupid as me being taller than them and not automatically deferring to them. So now I have cats to cuddle and a dog to take me for walks and I'm learning to do without much in the way of human interaction. I rarely feel lonely now, but I used to a lot, when I was younger

  • I understand, it's been very similar for me and I'm in my sixties! It's not so much that people dislike me, more like they're just not really interested in either starting or maintaining a friendship with me.

    I was lucky to meet my partner when I was in my late teens, so he's always been my best friend which makes it a bit easier. Just having one friend can make you feel less lonely. 

    I suggest you try going to groups or clubs where others share your interest, then maybe you might find someone on your wavelength. I wish you luck, and hope that this community helps you.