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Autism Parenthood

AloeVera

My partner is neurotypical and I have Autism. In recent years my partner has been talking about having a child. I like the idea of having a child but I worry about many things. Mainly being able to support them.

I work but I struggle with social anxiety (the occasional panic attack) and do not currently earn enough to support my partner and a child.

If we decided to become parents, is there much help out there if I become the sole earner for the household?

Thanks

  • Hi, AloeVera! I can't advise,  but I can share some of my experience.  I'm not officially diagnosed,  but strongly suspected autistic,  both by myself and my therapist. My husband is NT, probably HSP (i would say) and introvert,  but not having any social difficulties. Our daughter is more like daddy, definitely different than me. I remember while being pregnant I hoped, that my child would not be like me (I had developmental delays since early childhood and didn't play with other children,  also had a lot of difficulties at school). And then I promised myself, if it happens,  that my future child inherits my weird personality disorder,  then I would take them to a psychologist for help. 

    4 years later found out about autism and myself  strangely fitting into the description of the condition. So I had no idea at that time but I had some feelings and thoughts that maybe i should never become a mother. Currently we have one daughter and I decided that's enough. 

    I have difficulties in reading expressions,  that affects my communication with my husband and daughter, I also struggle to show and control expressions myself.  I struggle with hyperfocus and not hearing when being called (I have no hearing issues). It affects my daughter,  because she must scream to me or even bite me to get my attention.  Currently I'm on meds, that make my functioning better.

    I also receive external support in raising my daughter. That lady helps me understand my daughter,  informs me about her intentions and when she really struggles to do something or she does deliberately. My husband asked me what's wrong with me when he saw my repetitive behaviours, I couldn't hide it from him anymore. My mask slipped off when the child appeared. Now he got used to it and I showed him tge paper that my therapist gave me. 

    I also have strengths where my husband has weaknesses. Because if my limited ability to share someone's feelings, I feel nothing when my daughter makes drama (for example when I refuse something). So I'm calm, consequent, I also have some creative ways of dealing with her moods. I fail in a role play but parallel activities,  also creative works are my strengths. 

  • in reply to Bunny

    Thank you Bunny. I will try and make a post there too.

  • Hi and welcome to the community!

    As well as hopefully getting some other replies here, you might also find it helpful to visit Autistic Parents UK and ask for advice there. It's a specialist charity that focuses on that area, and their resources include peer support via both Facebook and Discord, facilitated groups, and one-on-one support:

    "Autistic Parents UK CIO was founded in 2020 by Autistic parents seeking connection and support, born from a deep understanding of the unique challenges Autistic individuals face while navigating parenthood.

    We are the only national, Autistic-led charity offering essential support services, resources, education and a thriving community for Autistic parents."

    Autistic Parents UK

  • in reply to profdanger

    Hi profdanger!

    Thank you for your reply. I have been considering this too. We are both in our early 40's, which I believe will increase the chances of having an Autistic child as well. Surprisingly (to me), this doesn't seem to concern my neurotypical partner very much at all.

    I'm comfortable with my place on the spectrum, my partner loves me for who I am and the world (despite the current chaos) does appear to be becoming a more accepting/understanding place for neurodivergent individuals. I can only see this as a positive for a child.

    It is a big decision. The financial side of things worries me the most. 

  • Good afternoon from America, AloeVera!

    Not to scare you away from becoming a parent (I’m an Autistic father of two daughters), but you also have to consider the fact that your children may also be Autistic. That may mean that parenting will take even more care and attention than a NT child would normally need (which is already a lot).

    An Autistic child may have developmental delays (such as walking, pottying, and speaking) and can have significant difficulties in a school environment.

    HOWEVER
    That being said, there are joys to being Autistic and having an Autistic child. They can see the world in a totally different light, and oftentimes it’s in a way only you as their parent can understand. It’s not all doom and gloom, but it can be difficult.