My partner is neurotypical and I have Autism. In recent years my partner has been talking about having a child. I like the idea of having a child but I worry about many things. Mainly being able to support them.
I work but I struggle with social anxiety (the occasional panic attack) and do not currently earn enough to support my partner and a child.
If we decided to become parents, is there much help out there if I become the sole earner for the household?
Thanks
Everyine is different and every life experience can make it all very different.
I will share the struggles I ahd as a parent (my son is now 23 oy, and independente, thank god, And is not autistic like me but he has Adhd)
I found incredibly hard to do things the way other mothers did. I didn't have enough executive function or energy to look after me and my child and my career. So I worked because I had to support my child but my career was messy and never what I wanted. I focused on being a good mother and I was but for all his childhood I neglected myself completely,. Mentally,. Physically etc. I could do one thing right but that was it.
Also I couldn't socialise with other mothers, which made harder for my son to have friends outside of school hours.
And due to my sensitivity I suffered immensely. Way too much love in the way made it really hard to navigate my emotions. When he became a teenager it was extremely painful for me as I couldn't communicate effectively and couldn't confront him so I would run away in shutdown. He hated to see that I couldn't have a conversation and would always run away.
Now that he is an adult I love the fact that I created a decent human beings and I wish he would live with me but when he comes to visit even though I love him so very much I struggle to be around him as I get anxious and get on mask mode as I feel around other adults. The idea of him being an adult and being able to recognise the things that are wrong with me freak me out. I am in constant emotional pain.
My son is what and whom I love most in my life but also the most painful thing for me to deal with and I think I shouldn't have been a mom
Hey AloeVera, welcome to the forum.
I'm autistic, and I have 2 kids, 1 diagnosed and 1 suspected. Their dad is NT. Only you and your partner will know what to do, but I can give my experience.
One thing I think will go in your favour it's knowing you are autistic and hopefully you know your areas of required support, and you probably know the signs to watch out for in children. Knowing will help navigate parenthood much better, you can find help and suggestions as you know what to search for. I only found out last year, and it's really helped understand myself and my children better and helped me and my husband to be better parents -I now know why my son shutsdown when I don't have his routine breakfast, and why my daughter was struggling so much in the playground with the noise.
Although kids do cost, how much is down to the parents. If you buy everything top of the range brand new it's pricey, but kids grow out of clothes so fast, second hand clothes are still really good. I had the first few years of clothes given to me by someone my husband knew, which meant we just got a few nice things ourselves. We also were lucky to get given lots of toys from their cousins. If it becomes relevant, there are tricks to help if you search for them. I grew up in a poorer household, and I think it can make you more robust and creative with what you have.
Does your partner have a job now that would mean they get maternity pay for a year, and what 'paternity' you might receive? (You as the other partner should be entitled to some leave too). We can't give any financial advice, but if you look up child benefit, and there some tax credit thing for married couples to transfer between them, but you need to go look that up yourself or speak to someone like CAB. Also, you could discuss with your partner about when they might be able to return to work after maternity. Knowing how long you might be sole earner might help with anxiety.
I adore my kids, I couldn't have managed more than 2, my first is very laid back like his dad, the second is a lot more work but I wouldn't change them for the world!
Hi, AloeVera! I can't advise, but I can share some of my experience. I'm not officially diagnosed, but strongly suspected autistic, both by myself and my therapist. My husband is NT, probably HSP (i would say) and introvert, but not having any social difficulties. Our daughter is more like daddy, definitely different than me. I remember while being pregnant I hoped, that my child would not be like me (I had developmental delays since early childhood and didn't play with other children, also had a lot of difficulties at school). And then I promised myself, if it happens, that my future child inherits my weird personality disorder, then I would take them to a psychologist for help.
4 years later found out about autism and myself strangely fitting into the description of the condition. So I had no idea at that time but I had some feelings and thoughts that maybe i should never become a mother. Currently we have one daughter and I decided that's enough.
I have difficulties in reading expressions, that affects my communication with my husband and daughter, I also struggle to show and control expressions myself. I struggle with hyperfocus and not hearing when being called (I have no hearing issues). It affects my daughter, because she must scream to me or even bite me to get my attention. Currently I'm on meds, that make my functioning better.
I also receive external support in raising my daughter. That lady helps me understand my daughter, informs me about her intentions and when she really struggles to do something or she does deliberately. My husband asked me what's wrong with me when he saw my repetitive behaviours, I couldn't hide it from him anymore. My mask slipped off when the child appeared. Now he got used to it and I showed him tge paper that my therapist gave me.
I also have strengths where my husband has weaknesses. Because if my limited ability to share someone's feelings, I feel nothing when my daughter makes drama (for example when I refuse something). So I'm calm, consequent, I also have some creative ways of dealing with her moods. I fail in a role play but parallel activities, also creative works are my strengths.
Hi and welcome to the community!
As well as hopefully getting some other replies here, you might also find it helpful to visit Autistic Parents UK and ask for advice there. It's a specialist charity that focuses on that area, and their resources include peer support via both Facebook and Discord, facilitated groups, and one-on-one support:
"Autistic Parents UK CIO was founded in 2020 by Autistic parents seeking connection and support, born from a deep understanding of the unique challenges Autistic individuals face while navigating parenthood.
We are the only national, Autistic-led charity offering essential support services, resources, education and a thriving community for Autistic parents."
Hi profdanger!
Thank you for your reply. I have been considering this too. We are both in our early 40's, which I believe will increase the chances of having an Autistic child as well. Surprisingly (to me), this doesn't seem to concern my neurotypical partner very much at all.
I'm comfortable with my place on the spectrum, my partner loves me for who I am and the world (despite the current chaos) does appear to be becoming a more accepting/understanding place for neurodivergent individuals. I can only see this as a positive for a child.
It is a big decision. The financial side of things worries me the most.
Good afternoon from America, AloeVera!
Not to scare you away from becoming a parent (I’m an Autistic father of two daughters), but you also have to consider the fact that your children may also be Autistic. That may mean that parenting will take even more care and attention than a NT child would normally need (which is already a lot).
An Autistic child may have developmental delays (such as walking, pottying, and speaking) and can have significant difficulties in a school environment.
HOWEVER
That being said, there are joys to being Autistic and having an Autistic child. They can see the world in a totally different light, and oftentimes it’s in a way only you as their parent can understand. It’s not all doom and gloom, but it can be difficult.
