Published on 12, July, 2020
hello,
I'm feeling really lost and out of answers, I dont know where to turn. I have been married to my husband for a year and a half, we have been together for 12 years and have lived together most of that. i'm feeling really isolated and lonely and we've discussed it but I feel like I cant find the right way to communicate. it tends to be a lot of me talking and not a lot of response. I try to use more literal than emotive language and I try to give him the time to respond. sometimes i'll suggest we pick up things the next day but no matter what technique I use we never seem to come to any constructive outcome, I usually just drop it and try to squash my feelings down. I'm starting to feel more like a carer than a wife.
I've had a slow burning of something not been right for me for a while, probably before we got married if i'm being really honest with myself. I feel so lonely, he is so happy in his own company, he doesnt really have any friends. I've pushed this and kind of laid it down as a deal breaker that he needs to have his own full life, I know that sounds like me pushing my needs onto him but I know he always finds socialising rewarding when he does it and he has been making more of an effort with it with people at work (easier given its just been christmas) I am a very social person and I am starting to find it difficult to speak to him, he is very into computers and youtube and i've never minded (not for me, bit annoying but i'm sure he finds my love island obsession annoying, different strokes for different folks!) him not having friends puts a lot of pressure on me and again makes me feel more like a carer, I dont want to be the only fulfilling relationship in his life.
i'm 32 and I want children (and i've become very aware of my biological clock) and i'm starting to panic that i've made the wrong decision, I still love my husband but I dont know if i'm in love with him anymore, I really want this to work but I dont know what approach I can take to be happy in this marriage.
Sometimes we can be in-love with the IDEA of " being " in love.Loyalty will not make you happy if you are unhappy.Now It's time for change.Best wishes.
It sounds like you want to socialise more and he doesn't. Would you be able to socialise without him? That might suit both of you. If he's happy by himself, why would that make you feel like a carer?
If you are struggling to communicate, marriage counselling might help. There are marriage counsellors out there who specialise in dealing with relationships where one partner is autistic (I assume from what you write that he is autistic and you're not, although you don't say that).
Does your husband want children?
NAS84113,
If you can imagine one of your close friends writing the post you've just written. Whatever your advice would be to them is the advice to take for yourself.
I was in a marriage where my ex refused to talk about our relationship problems so I left after 10 years of trying to no avail with our daughter. I am still a single co parent which's hard but it is much happier for me than being in the wrong relationship. I think the only way to move forward in a relationship is to have an honest discussion with your partner about how you are feeling and to listen to how they are feeling. My ex husband was not willing to accept me and I was desperately unhappy in the marriage because he wouldn't talk about things. I decided that the only option was to leave. He remarried after a year (our daughter tells me that she thinks he had been seeing his new wife when I was still married to her Daddy). I've had short term relationships but ended them for very valid reasons.
There are many folks on this forum who work together with their partner to accept each others differences and who are pretty content with that. I only wish that had been an option for my marriage but it seems he was cheating anyway. It's really up to you as to how you move forward in your life with or without your husband.
I hope that whatever happens, you both have a good future however that looks.