Understanding your place in a relationship

True Vulnerability is a learned humane exchange. There are requirements. Safety first. 

In a space I feel I can relax in, one I've created and have agency in where I am not battling sensory input beyond my control, I can be vulnerable. In other words. I can share thoughts out loud with myself and go about life without worrying about errors. 

Now, there is a way to give others room to prove they're worth trusting. For autistics this can be difficult if we cannot find someone we feel we can share communication with who, when faced with a possible misunderstand will ask rather than assume and won't just make things worse by being cruel or cowardly. 

But building trust is one thing. ACTUALLY having a decent knowledge of my strengths/weaknesses, of my emotions, of my core principles and about who I am as a human can allow for Real Vulnerability. Add a dose of internal and external humility, respect and kindness and knowledge of my limits/boundaries and I might be in a good place for a healthy relationship provided the other share my principles. 

One has to feel safe to open up. Find the things you believe in and find others who share those. I've been in too many mis-matched situations and while some might have been salvageable, we still need to feel understood. I don't owe anyone my vulnerability. And they don't owe it to me. This is mine to chose who I give it to.

I 100% agrew with this. My husband is the same way when it comes to talking. He needs time to think and really figure out what he is feeling before speaking.

I come from a family of emothional fueled shouters. So I was always ready to fly off the handle and yell, in the time my husband and I have been together I have learned to be more thoughtful and shout less. It makes life easier, at least for us, if we both pause and think about how we feel and what we need before we talk. This can require a deal of patience on my part. But I feel we solve problems and work through emotions better when there is no yelling involved.

Another aspect of our relationship is the simple fact that we would never intentionally hurt one another. If I feel he has done something just to make me mad I remind myself that making me mad for no reason is silly and he loves me and he would never seek to make me mad. Just like I never seek to make him mad.

Sorry that was long, but yeah, communication is where it's at.

Then to some extent you will need to open up. See people are used to read emotions in peoples faces and when they can't do that so easily, as is sometimes the case when they interact with autistic people, it's more inportant to verbalise your feelings to those you are close to. so they don't have to guess. but at the same time misunderstandings are just part and parcel of dealing with autistic peoples communication issues some some expectation management with the people close to you might be in order.

try to be honest, tell your significant other you have a diagnosis, and tell them you need  them to be painfully honest / go over things a few times / spell things out... whatever it is. im talking bollocks because i have the same issues and its really hard to have these conversations. but next time, if it happens, its what im going to do. 

Hi I'm Holly and I also have a diagnosis. I've had many people leave too, old friends and people I've been in relationships with. Right now I'm in a relationship and pregnant so we are going to have to stay together or at least try for the baby's sake. I really love him but we have only been together for a year and he thinks its a woman's job to stay at home, clean and cook dinner etc. I am struggling with this, because I never thought I'd be a housewife. I believe in sharing responsibilities, but he says that if he is out working 10 hours a day and I'm home, even with a baby I should be cooking dinner at least. I think ultimately you should do what you feel is right in a relationship! If it doesn't work out, it wasn't meant to be.

So In past relationships They’ve left because according to what they said I’m emotionless and don’t open up. Also it’s the same over and over with misunderstandings which I know is everyday life with everyone but obviously in my case just listening to someone I can misunderstand them and constantly told this so it’s these issues that has made people leave apparently but personally they were toxic abusive people anyway  

Can you give us some examples of the situations in which people 'leave' because of you?

Our insistence for a companion may leave us vulnerable to toxic individuals. Many good men and women fall foul to a bloodsucker. It's as if two good people never seem to connect.

I no longer care about trying to study people. The vast majority are too insecure. But we need to build ourselves up before we can commit.

It's a really hard one to navigate, and I think mostly comes down to communication within a relationship. Like you said (and I understand all too well) relationship trouble often comes through misunderstandings. The trouble for us is that communication is more difficult than for most people, so those misunderstandings are amplified. Something that I've been working on in my own relationships, not just romantic, is being more upfront with what I'm finding difficult or confusing. If you're with the right person then they should be willing to work with you to help you feel secure in your relationship. It's better all around I think when expectations you have for a relationship and each other are out in the open and you're not left trying to read obscure social queues.

Hi friend- I wonder if I can help? What type of relationship do you mean- friend, romantic, or co worker? Each type of relationship can have a lot of difference in what your role is. I think you mean a romantic relationship. Is that right? My partner has ASD. I know my partner has also struggled in the past with romantic relationships not working for him. Many times he felt relationships were more successful when he was comfortable enough to disclose that he had ASD. Then the other person could learn to be more patient and understanding of any differences. Have you tried that before? I wonder if that helped at all.