Intolerance of Uncertainty and Managing Emotions

Not a weekly update on the course - more of a cathartic rant. 

I'm struggling.

I'm finding I'm getting a mental block when it comes to responding on the forum which means I'm under stress. It's the works project. I'm under the cosh to meet some arbitrary deadline for which someone has pulled out their backside on a project that I'd invested two years of my time to get off the ground. The turnaround is a couple of months - a far more aggressive timescale for other projects of this type and which was dropped on me without reason or rationale before they moved in other people to oversee it. 

It came to a head yesterday. Everyone praising me about some output I'd pulled together - at short notice - again! All I can think was is that I could take no pride in it, because I'd had to rush the job and watching others (senior leads) casually have conversations about something I've invested so much time in (trying to get the sponsorship) and assuming things will land in this silly turnaround just because they want it. No discussion with me as to what I need to make this work better -and I'm doing all the hard work at the back end. 

Perfectionist tendency? Maybe. But I've seen so much bad decision making and output that "passes" for informative data I know some of them have absolutely no idea of what makes an effective output. And then I start to doubt myself as to whether my standards of what is worthy output is realistic -and then the circular reasoning starts. 

I can't wait for it to be over. This happens every time I get involved in stuff like this - I get disappointed by shockingly poor communication, unrealistic expectations in delivery timescales, lack of understanding about the area they're supposed to be leading and how I'm left off balance most of the time. Yesterday, not an update on progress - apparently - but an early indicator of recommendations. So all the work of prepping a comprehensive update with the idea that would keep them off my back for a bit - gone to waste because it was all skipped over. 

I want an extension. I'm not going to get it. And people are asking for decisions from me about other things - which frankly are above my pay grade - and it leaves me wondering just what the hell are they are getting paid for?

Someone told me about a possible promotion opportunity. I told them I felt I couldn't do it because I find the working practices and the greater emphasis on social/relational skills at that level too difficult to handle. With that admission came an overwhelming feeling of failure and a real sense, for the first time, not that I've found things "a bit difficult", but that I am disabled and how that has permeated every aspect of my life. In this moment, I don't feel "neurodiverse" - I feel totally disadvantaged when it comes to navigating the workplace. What's worse is that much of the time is spent unpicking the mess from dire decision-making which leaves no room for self-development. Data analysis, visualization is what I'm interested in, but there's no room to develop those skills (or learning from others) in my current role. - despite me demonstrating what can be done if given the time. I'm frustrated because of all this - I'd like to say "it's just me". But it isn't. The social deficiency (It's early - I can't pick the right words) I can almost tolerate if the work gives me the opportunity to develop and build skills. But it doesn't. It's just a constant churn out of stuff - which, because it is rushed, in my eyes is mediocre. 

I can't take pride in things that are overly rushed. And that sense of feeling out of control. That's why I'm unhappy. I've met silly deadlines before but never one where I feel the quality is compromised as much as this - and people are happy with it!!!??!??! I'm under the impression that people will just accept whatever I put in front of them - if that's the case, then what's the point of making the effort.

I had a little weep this morning around 5am. Then I tried to do some "making room for emotions" which worked but I keep stumbling back to the why and everything starts up again. I realise that the times I've been happiest are those times where I've as little contact with people as possible and I'm able to structure my own day. Lockdown, before working from home became a thing, I had "arrived". I was in that comfortable place - because I had a routine, I could manage the information I was exposed to, I had time to invest in things I was interested in.I enjoyed the things I did. Now I find I can barely plan for it. I'm too tired at the end of the day. I'm barely managing to eat regularly as it is - I am, but only just. It's still home cooked stuff, it's still healthy but I'm finding it hard to keep it up. 

I'm tired. That fuzzy ache which goes from the top of my head down to my jaw, that uncomfortable sensation of something like a balloon being inflated in the middle of my head and the sense of disconnection (my body feels like a separate thing I'm just occupying) is back. I'm tired of wrestling with this when things get pressured at work - then I resent not having the support earlier in my life to address these issues (despite my screaming for it). A lot of this is because of how I feel at the moment - I'm much more appreciative and forgiving if things are going my way.  At the moment my working life (and I'm damned fortunate to have a job) is leaving me miserable. Or it may be my expectations need to change, and that I need to accept that somewhere - along the way - I've made decisions that, whether the reasons were conscious or not, that has led me to where I am now. - and there's no saying that if I was somewhere else it would be anything different. But in moments like this I really don't feel fit for the workplace - and I hate that vulnerability. I feel.... a failure. Again. And I'm feeling really prickly, like the smallest thing could cause me to get real snappy. 

And this is the problem - I'm looking for a solution and right now there probably isn't one. I just need to see it through. But I can't see a way ahead. And there it is again... self-doubt. Is this just a "reaction" because of stress - or is this uncovering how I really feel because the chips are down? I can't untangle my internal world - and part of the reason is that I still lack the awareness and vocabulary to do so.

It's not just that organisations are chaotic...... I am. Right now I can't make sense of what I'm feeling! And if can't understand it - I don't want to sit with it. 

All the stuff I've been reading on uncertainty, on managing emotions. I seem to think I should be managing this more consciously and a lot better. It's harder to "tune in", talk myself round, use strategies - I think this is why I'm writing. To get some sense of getting back in a place where I have some sense of self-regulation. Up to now it feels like work, sleep, eat, sleep, work and a quick game or a couple of chapters of a book when I'm conscious and not working. 

I slip into this all too easily. I have this idea of how I will consciously manage myself better and then something will knock me off kilter which will sit with me for weeks. That dropping of a deadline out of the blue - and my frustrated reaction in a meeting - I never really recovered from that. 

When that deadline dropped that was the point at which I felt devalued and lost interest in this whole thing. I think I can cope better if there's a sense of fair play. If I feel there isn't then I just don't know how to. The way the deadline dropped, happened after I'd disclosed my diagnosis and made it clear as to what I needed to function better.

That hurt. I took that really personally. I almost questioned the point of having the assessment and being open about my diagnosis. 

Somehow I expected things to be easier. But I'm finding them more frustrating. I don't know if being open about my diagnosis has been in my best interest - it doesn't seem to have made much of a difference. 

On Brackett's "mood meter" I'd rate myself somewhere between tense and frustrated on a scale of 7.5-8 out of 10. Apparently my fitband says my stress levels are moderate. I don't believe the tech-  I think it's just making stuff up. 

The start of the day sure comes round quick. Breakfast and then back to it 

I think you have answered most of the questions yourself ,a good rant often clears the air. 

I had one lunch time yesterday, got a tribunal hearing next week over my daughters future ,council have employed 3 solicitors and a barrister so far ,[ well spent public money ]usual  stuff no real argument so trying to create a last minute smoke screen with detail and change.

I found being open ,caused the shields to go down. Not sure if better ,but different and a bit more rocky.

One thing you touched on  ,it is like there is another me inside and he does the big stuff ,i can only change the little things .

my father said you can do anything you want to, the secret is actually wanting to do it. 

Its hard to explain but i tend to do that ,think what i really want just the big picture ,then just deal with the little stuff . I am not clever enough to deal with the big picture ,sounds crazy but one day i hope to merge or that might happen when i die ,who knows 

I think you have answered most of the questions yourself ,a good rant often clears the air. 

I had one lunch time yesterday, got a tribunal hearing next week over my daughters future ,council have employed 3 solicitors and a barrister so far ,[ well spent public money ]usual  stuff no real argument so trying to create a last minute smoke screen with detail and change.

I found being open ,caused the shields to go down. Not sure if better ,but different and a bit more rocky.

One thing you touched on  ,it is like there is another me inside and he does the big stuff ,i can only change the little things .

my father said you can do anything you want to, the secret is actually wanting to do it. 

Its hard to explain but i tend to do that ,think what i really want just the big picture ,then just deal with the little stuff . I am not clever enough to deal with the big picture ,sounds crazy but one day i hope to merge or that might happen when i die ,who knows 

mael said:

you can do anything you want to, the secret is actually wanting to do it. 

Yes - anyone can do anything - if they want it enough to pay the price.     An Olympic athlete can only win gold if they put aside everything else.     I could sell the house and but a Bugatti - but I can't live in that.      It's all about balance.