Intolerance of Uncertainty and Managing Emotions

Week 6: Reading Others Feelings

It's been tougher to get to this weeks reading and even tougher to focus. I can trace it back to when the works issue started (and the extra stress since then). The pressure for updates, moving everything to a new platform without warning, wanting results before the data collection is even complete. All this has taken a toll. Two days of my long weekend are spent trying to get some sense of normality back. Today, probably, was the most productive. Felt much better after going for a walk (40 mins round trip to pick up my script from the chemist in the next village). I only went because I had to, not because I wanted to. And I'm not happy about that.

Usually i feel rested when writing, right now I feel, fidgety. My writing isn't flowing as well and I feel.... a little closed off. 

This week was about reading other peoples emotions. It made the point that it's easy to misread a feeling (something I never really thought about being an issue for NT's, but yes, of course it would be). Although it's geared towards educators there are general principles which are useful to refresh - the tendancy of connecting with people similar to us, the role of socialisation and culture on emotional expression and the importance of context (I never really understood people changed according to context, it always threw me if they said one thing to one person, then another to someone else in a different place/time). It also suggests using the mood meter to evaluate other people's emotions - not something that sits well with me. I'm happy with the idea of using it to check in on myself and rate the intensity of my feeling to build some kind of emotional literacy. The idea of doing that with others? I'm not sure if I even need to. I think I'd prefer some rules/guidelines to work with as opposed to trying to figure people out. At least that's my gut feeling.

There was something about knowing people was to learn their stories. I liked that idea- I finally understood we're a collection of stories and not just responses to experiences (I focused too much on the latter). I also realised I don't make much of an effort to talk about people's stories with them. Perhaps I could try.... I don't feel motivated to though. I'm happy for people to volunteer the information, I'm just not all that into finding out about it. Is this one of the differences between me and the rest of the world. Looking back I'm still very task oriented. Just thinking about this has me feeling weary. I think... I think I'm fearful of taking on someone elses baggage, or not being able to separate my feelings about myself from the thing they're telling me about (I find sometimes I get "engulfed" by some conversations). The other thing..... is that social stuff gets me very, very tired. At least that's how it seems now - because right now, I feel very, very tired.

As the reading on The Empathy Trap points out 

Recognizing and sharing someone else’s emotional state is a complex inner experience. It calls on self-awareness, the ability to distinguish between your own feelings and those of others, the skill to take another’s perspective, the ability to recognize emotions in others as well as oneself, and the know-how to regulate those feelings.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/201505/the-empathy-trap

I may be fairly smart in "doing stuff" (I'll build you a graph, research that stuff etc) - but I'm a total ignoramus when it comes to managing my inner life and myself around other people. On the one hand I find it very difficult to do, on the other I'm almost afraid to do it - to take steps "in front" of people to manage my well-being in conversation and relationships. And if I have to pull back from folk if I'm feeling overwhelmed I almost feel a failure in some way (!). I think I'm rambling a bit now.

Something else struck me in the learning.

This is never something that I thought applied to me. But looking back it does. I was a total perfectionist. Any mistake I made was because I wasn't good enough, because I didn't try hard enough or because I was careless. My father, on the spectrum, was a very distant and closed off man when I was younger. We talked a bit more as I got older but the conversation revealed how little he knew about who I was. And when I had problems with my health he stepped away and said nothing. My mother, as I was growing up, was a very critical and erratic woman. I couldn't share anything with her because she "couldn't help me there". She'd have a habit of evading any conversation that was emotionally difficult and sowed a lot doubt that played havoc with my sense of self and self-esteem. Add difficulties with school on top of that and it was little wonder I wanted to retreat into a shell. 

It's odd writing about this from three decades ago, perhaps I'm just going through a stage of processing these feelings. Although I always feel a bit melancholic when thinking about my formative years. It's why Barron's and Gradin's book is such a challenge - it stirs up a lot of uncomfortable feelings - things which at once point I'd thought I'd made peace with. I don't think the works stress is helping much- even though it's in a better place, my state of mind over the last few weeks hasn't been the healthiest.

Although I did blame myself a lot when I was a kid. I don't remember ever feeling emotionally supported or understood. And yes, that is normal in certain times of life- teen years for example. But I felt it all the time. Even when I was ill, my mental health was brushed off with a line of "keep taking the pills". I'll never forget that.  

Looking back, reminding myself of the importance of emotional security in childhood (and I've read Janice Webb's material on emotional neglect- it's so easy to forget stuff and its impact) I'm closer to being a little kinder to a very younger me. 

There was I thinking I'd not got much out of this week. Two more weeks to go.... homeward stretch now. 

Week 6: Reading Others Feelings

It's been tougher to get to this weeks reading and even tougher to focus. I can trace it back to when the works issue started (and the extra stress since then). The pressure for updates, moving everything to a new platform without warning, wanting results before the data collection is even complete. All this has taken a toll. Two days of my long weekend are spent trying to get some sense of normality back. Today, probably, was the most productive. Felt much better after going for a walk (40 mins round trip to pick up my script from the chemist in the next village). I only went because I had to, not because I wanted to. And I'm not happy about that.

Usually i feel rested when writing, right now I feel, fidgety. My writing isn't flowing as well and I feel.... a little closed off. 

This week was about reading other peoples emotions. It made the point that it's easy to misread a feeling (something I never really thought about being an issue for NT's, but yes, of course it would be). Although it's geared towards educators there are general principles which are useful to refresh - the tendancy of connecting with people similar to us, the role of socialisation and culture on emotional expression and the importance of context (I never really understood people changed according to context, it always threw me if they said one thing to one person, then another to someone else in a different place/time). It also suggests using the mood meter to evaluate other people's emotions - not something that sits well with me. I'm happy with the idea of using it to check in on myself and rate the intensity of my feeling to build some kind of emotional literacy. The idea of doing that with others? I'm not sure if I even need to. I think I'd prefer some rules/guidelines to work with as opposed to trying to figure people out. At least that's my gut feeling.

There was something about knowing people was to learn their stories. I liked that idea- I finally understood we're a collection of stories and not just responses to experiences (I focused too much on the latter). I also realised I don't make much of an effort to talk about people's stories with them. Perhaps I could try.... I don't feel motivated to though. I'm happy for people to volunteer the information, I'm just not all that into finding out about it. Is this one of the differences between me and the rest of the world. Looking back I'm still very task oriented. Just thinking about this has me feeling weary. I think... I think I'm fearful of taking on someone elses baggage, or not being able to separate my feelings about myself from the thing they're telling me about (I find sometimes I get "engulfed" by some conversations). The other thing..... is that social stuff gets me very, very tired. At least that's how it seems now - because right now, I feel very, very tired.

As the reading on The Empathy Trap points out 

Recognizing and sharing someone else’s emotional state is a complex inner experience. It calls on self-awareness, the ability to distinguish between your own feelings and those of others, the skill to take another’s perspective, the ability to recognize emotions in others as well as oneself, and the know-how to regulate those feelings.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/201505/the-empathy-trap

I may be fairly smart in "doing stuff" (I'll build you a graph, research that stuff etc) - but I'm a total ignoramus when it comes to managing my inner life and myself around other people. On the one hand I find it very difficult to do, on the other I'm almost afraid to do it - to take steps "in front" of people to manage my well-being in conversation and relationships. And if I have to pull back from folk if I'm feeling overwhelmed I almost feel a failure in some way (!). I think I'm rambling a bit now.

Something else struck me in the learning.

This is never something that I thought applied to me. But looking back it does. I was a total perfectionist. Any mistake I made was because I wasn't good enough, because I didn't try hard enough or because I was careless. My father, on the spectrum, was a very distant and closed off man when I was younger. We talked a bit more as I got older but the conversation revealed how little he knew about who I was. And when I had problems with my health he stepped away and said nothing. My mother, as I was growing up, was a very critical and erratic woman. I couldn't share anything with her because she "couldn't help me there". She'd have a habit of evading any conversation that was emotionally difficult and sowed a lot doubt that played havoc with my sense of self and self-esteem. Add difficulties with school on top of that and it was little wonder I wanted to retreat into a shell. 

It's odd writing about this from three decades ago, perhaps I'm just going through a stage of processing these feelings. Although I always feel a bit melancholic when thinking about my formative years. It's why Barron's and Gradin's book is such a challenge - it stirs up a lot of uncomfortable feelings - things which at once point I'd thought I'd made peace with. I don't think the works stress is helping much- even though it's in a better place, my state of mind over the last few weeks hasn't been the healthiest.

Although I did blame myself a lot when I was a kid. I don't remember ever feeling emotionally supported or understood. And yes, that is normal in certain times of life- teen years for example. But I felt it all the time. Even when I was ill, my mental health was brushed off with a line of "keep taking the pills". I'll never forget that.  

Looking back, reminding myself of the importance of emotional security in childhood (and I've read Janice Webb's material on emotional neglect- it's so easy to forget stuff and its impact) I'm closer to being a little kinder to a very younger me. 

There was I thinking I'd not got much out of this week. Two more weeks to go.... homeward stretch now. 

Some great insights on these posts. I look forward to the book. I'd buy it !