Intolerance of Uncertainty and Managing Emotions

Week 3.1 

So technically not blogging on the course (that'll come later) but I'm struggling with uncertainty - or more specifically change - and I didn't want to start a new thread just for the sake of a gripe.

I'm struggling - and this is theraputic.

In the last month I've been hammered. I've had a change of manager - twice. There's been stress about access to my report (essentially certain individuals in my leadership chain wanted to see the full psychological report, which had a load of personal history in it - which although they never would have got access to it, gave me extra stress I didn't need), the parameters of a project I've been prepping/leading on for 18 months trying to get sponsorship for changed overnight, had new leadership and was communicated badly to me (which led to a pretty bad overnight meltdown), I've started a new role whilst providing support for that project, fielded some ridiculous asks with aggressive timescales - only to find what I sent wasn't enough because apparently it's a numbers game and I wasn't told to provide numbers, just a couple of examples for the ask - but because team A provided (X) then we need to provide more so we can be like team A. I think I'm doing OK then barely 2 weeks in I hear rumblings I'm going to be switched full time to the project, then I'm told to carry on with where I am then within 24 hours I'm back on the project again full-time. I make myself available on the day, it takes an hour for someone to get in touch with me to tell me where we're up to, then our new leadership moves all our data to cloud based storage so I've a new application to learn - I get the videos, but they don't apply to me because the leadership hasn't set up the right access so I have to use a workaround to create documents, - and, as it turns out, our leadership doesn't understand what they're doing, because when I asked why I hadn't got the access I needed they had to call someone else in who didn't know how to fix it either.

It's not uncertainty I'm struggling with. It's the rate of change. Or poorly communicated accelerated rate of change. I'm tired. Very, very tired. My head feels like I'm wearing a hat made of rocks. I'm disconnected. I don't want to sleep right now even though I'd like to. But I don't want to focus on on anything. When I logged off last night I felt exhausted - I dozed for hours - that horrible light sleep where the brain is still whirring and there's lingering feelings of anxiety, barely managed to offload the shopping and store it, just about managed to remember to eat, and then ended up binge watching Star Trek because the only certainty I had, wasn't my environment, or my cat (he knows somethings up - he won't leave my side), or the knowledge I've 3 days of chill-time but episodes which the plot and characters are familiar, So even though there's very few Trek episodes I actually like, it harks back to days when I was off for months and the Sci-Fi channel/Sky One were the only things I could focus on.

I hate this. My flurry of ideas and ability to lose myself in what I'm doing when I've a task has gone. I just feel tired, unfocused, disconnected and I'm struggling to tune into anything. I'm waiting to fall asleep but even though my brain can't absorb anything I'm too awake to do that - I suspect I've elevated levels of cortisol careering around my body. 

According to my know-it-all wristband my heart rate is up and it's little pointy needle is telling me I have a high level of stress. If I think about it- I am feeling pretty stressed- bloody wristband. Not in a "prickly" sort of way where I'm a little oversensitive to perceived slights, inefficiencies or people taking a little longer than I'd like to do things/return calls/or just message me, but an all-encompassing resignation that work - at the moment - is draining my batteries. It's almost as if I was getting to grips in my new role, then because I've been switched mid-cycle of figuring stuff out, my brain has just shut down. 

You see, I would tell work. But what's the point. Because I'll get the management BS. And I know when they're talking BS because I'll get the employee get-on-board pitch and not the "actually, yeh, that's pretty bad, we really did screw that up". If there's one thing I need it's clear prep time and structure - not something dropped on me then my ability to work sabotaged because the people who are transferring my work around are not only forgetting to communicate it properly they simply don't seem to have a clue as to what they're doing. It's that loss of autonomy - that stings. I hate that. I feel powerless... 

"This feeling" I say to myself "will pass". Well, yes it will, but I'd sooner work not act like such assess that I Iose that breathing space I need to function. Role, clear structure, defined goals, kit that works, then let me work. Communicate things so I've time to adjust. That's it. That's all I need. As if by some weird quirk "The Conversation" has dropped its daily email with the tips on how to deal with headaches - as well as a helpful headache-spotting chart (It's a tension headache apparently, so that's enlightening. I can name my pain). 

I'm going to take some decompress time. Celtic music with the cat and try a movie later. Getting this down on screen has helped - so, much as I feel a bit guilty about what I perceive to be laziness, I actually need to do this so I'm able to function next week.

I hate this. It's exhausting and frustrating in equal measure. 

Ethan said:

It's not uncertainty I'm struggling with. It's the rate of change. Or poorly communicated accelerated rate of change. I'm tired. Very, very tired. My head feels like I'm wearing a hat made of rocks.

Bingo! That explains why I struggled with pregnancy and motherhood so badly! The rate of change. Sooo many alien things happening to my body and mind all at once, different things every day. Plus living in an area where I didn't know anyone or where to go or what to do.

Ethan said:

It's not uncertainty I'm struggling with. It's the rate of change. Or poorly communicated accelerated rate of change. I'm tired. Very, very tired. My head feels like I'm wearing a hat made of rocks.

Bingo! That explains why I struggled with pregnancy and motherhood so badly! The rate of change. Sooo many alien things happening to my body and mind all at once, different things every day. Plus living in an area where I didn't know anyone or where to go or what to do.