Intolerance of Uncertainty and Managing Emotions

Week 3.1 

So technically not blogging on the course (that'll come later) but I'm struggling with uncertainty - or more specifically change - and I didn't want to start a new thread just for the sake of a gripe.

I'm struggling - and this is theraputic.

In the last month I've been hammered. I've had a change of manager - twice. There's been stress about access to my report (essentially certain individuals in my leadership chain wanted to see the full psychological report, which had a load of personal history in it - which although they never would have got access to it, gave me extra stress I didn't need), the parameters of a project I've been prepping/leading on for 18 months trying to get sponsorship for changed overnight, had new leadership and was communicated badly to me (which led to a pretty bad overnight meltdown), I've started a new role whilst providing support for that project, fielded some ridiculous asks with aggressive timescales - only to find what I sent wasn't enough because apparently it's a numbers game and I wasn't told to provide numbers, just a couple of examples for the ask - but because team A provided (X) then we need to provide more so we can be like team A. I think I'm doing OK then barely 2 weeks in I hear rumblings I'm going to be switched full time to the project, then I'm told to carry on with where I am then within 24 hours I'm back on the project again full-time. I make myself available on the day, it takes an hour for someone to get in touch with me to tell me where we're up to, then our new leadership moves all our data to cloud based storage so I've a new application to learn - I get the videos, but they don't apply to me because the leadership hasn't set up the right access so I have to use a workaround to create documents, - and, as it turns out, our leadership doesn't understand what they're doing, because when I asked why I hadn't got the access I needed they had to call someone else in who didn't know how to fix it either.

It's not uncertainty I'm struggling with. It's the rate of change. Or poorly communicated accelerated rate of change. I'm tired. Very, very tired. My head feels like I'm wearing a hat made of rocks. I'm disconnected. I don't want to sleep right now even though I'd like to. But I don't want to focus on on anything. When I logged off last night I felt exhausted - I dozed for hours - that horrible light sleep where the brain is still whirring and there's lingering feelings of anxiety, barely managed to offload the shopping and store it, just about managed to remember to eat, and then ended up binge watching Star Trek because the only certainty I had, wasn't my environment, or my cat (he knows somethings up - he won't leave my side), or the knowledge I've 3 days of chill-time but episodes which the plot and characters are familiar, So even though there's very few Trek episodes I actually like, it harks back to days when I was off for months and the Sci-Fi channel/Sky One were the only things I could focus on.

I hate this. My flurry of ideas and ability to lose myself in what I'm doing when I've a task has gone. I just feel tired, unfocused, disconnected and I'm struggling to tune into anything. I'm waiting to fall asleep but even though my brain can't absorb anything I'm too awake to do that - I suspect I've elevated levels of cortisol careering around my body. 

According to my know-it-all wristband my heart rate is up and it's little pointy needle is telling me I have a high level of stress. If I think about it- I am feeling pretty stressed- bloody wristband. Not in a "prickly" sort of way where I'm a little oversensitive to perceived slights, inefficiencies or people taking a little longer than I'd like to do things/return calls/or just message me, but an all-encompassing resignation that work - at the moment - is draining my batteries. It's almost as if I was getting to grips in my new role, then because I've been switched mid-cycle of figuring stuff out, my brain has just shut down. 

You see, I would tell work. But what's the point. Because I'll get the management BS. And I know when they're talking BS because I'll get the employee get-on-board pitch and not the "actually, yeh, that's pretty bad, we really did screw that up". If there's one thing I need it's clear prep time and structure - not something dropped on me then my ability to work sabotaged because the people who are transferring my work around are not only forgetting to communicate it properly they simply don't seem to have a clue as to what they're doing. It's that loss of autonomy - that stings. I hate that. I feel powerless... 

"This feeling" I say to myself "will pass". Well, yes it will, but I'd sooner work not act like such assess that I Iose that breathing space I need to function. Role, clear structure, defined goals, kit that works, then let me work. Communicate things so I've time to adjust. That's it. That's all I need. As if by some weird quirk "The Conversation" has dropped its daily email with the tips on how to deal with headaches - as well as a helpful headache-spotting chart (It's a tension headache apparently, so that's enlightening. I can name my pain). 

I'm going to take some decompress time. Celtic music with the cat and try a movie later. Getting this down on screen has helped - so, much as I feel a bit guilty about what I perceive to be laziness, I actually need to do this so I'm able to function next week.

I hate this. It's exhausting and frustrating in equal measure. 

I have a friend who works for a big company and the stories he tells me about his management issues are fairly ongoing at times. I have been with him on his days off where he has had to communicate with them. They are just crazy people who have no idea what they're doing. It is the blind leading the blind and their communication skills are non-existent. His latest manager is half his age and has barely any life experience let alone any ability to manage other people. The only qualification he has is a few useless courses on his cv that apparently impressed the bosses whilst having no experience in doing the actual job he has been allocated to ' manage '. Zero. Throughout the pandemic he has been in and out of furlough, had his hours, shifts changed from one week to the next, often at a days notice and on top of all this, the company has recently been bought-over and his long-term, early retirement plan basically ripped-up. 

He is a fairly sensitive yet outgoing personality on the surface. I think he deals with it by accepting these people are just crazy and there is not much logic to their methods. That it's just a chaotic hierarchical,  and at times, dysfunctional system. I think he is lucky in one sense, as his biggest consolation in coping is that he knows many colleagues throughout the company which they can off-load to each other the craziness of those above them. I think that makes a huge difference.

Management is a massive problem everywhere it seems. You only have to read through these threads on this forum to see the stresses it causes. I think it is just another consequence of this modern world we are living through. Another example of a long list where we have lost authentic human connection or purpose or meaning. A kind of dislocation. It's well documented. 

With the personality of my friend, I don't think he would have coped at all well alone in dealing with his environment and so for him having colleagues to off-load is his release of stress I guess. It reminds me of the George Harrison interview I once heard when discussing Elvis and how he was so famous yet so isolated in the end. George reminded us that Elvis didn't really have that many close people who he could talk to or understood what was happening to him with all the worldwide fame and so on, whilst The Beatles had each other to make sense of it all or to off-load with humor etc. 

So maybe this forum or others is our ' Beatles ' . It definitely helps some to write things out to make sense and to process. I know it does for me. I even write stuff I don't even send anywhere in the end as sometimes I have already answered myself by the time I finish. It's a good thing overall though.

Turtle said:

I think he deals with it by accepting these people are just crazy and there is not much logic to their methods. That it's just a chaotic hierarchical,  and at times, dysfunctional system.

This is completely true and one of the things I started to realise when I started on secondment with other teams and companies which has finally coalesced in the last year. Things are... chaotic, and all the problems I wrestle with on my current team are replicated across other teams. It's everywhere. 

I was doing pretty well handling it all - one of the things I'm linked into is a project which is being developed using agile methodology. It changes all the time but because the on-going changes are  communicated in a systematic and clear way I'm able to handle it. Even things like botched data because some of our collectors fudge the input I can build in formula's to search and weed that stuff out. Even when I worked in a frontline advisory role for a while, which could get incredibly chaotic, I could function because even though things could become unpredictable (staff off sick, urgent problems coming in) I could problem-solve and juggle it all because I knew what resources I had access to, what things would solve the problem, who I needed to contact and so on. I think my expectation was that leaders where were they were because they had answers to things. It took me a while to realise they didn't. Then it was that they knew how to manage people in situations which were a bit messy. Then I realised they didn't really know that either. 

I've never really grasped in a large organisation how much (or how little) senior people know about how things work and slot together across different roles and how much the understanding varies depending on who I'm talking to. 

Even changes to working hours I can cope with (did bank care on the NHS for ages). It's when my role and the expectations change, and change rapidly without explanation or clear rationale -  and because the types of issues I'm being asked to work with keep shifting I have to "reset" every time and it becomes exhausting. Just thinking about it starts to close my brain off. I'll get to a point where I can figure out how to manage this new situation I've just been dropped in - but it looks like I'll need a conversation with someone because I can't just keep being moved around completely different roles on a whim and be expected to function. 

On the positive side, I've slept all day today, and even though I feel a bit shaky I feel much better for it. This forum is my "Beatles" though- it keeps me sane and my indulgent splurge this morning finally got me to a point where I could begin to rest. 

Turtle said:

I heard a wise man say " It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society ".

That is reassuring. I'll remember that!

Yeah that's him. I'm still getting used to operating this site and editing my posts etc. Think I've fixed the last one now hopefully. 

Ken Robinson's talks on the education system are really interesting too. I've heard of ' The Element ' but not read it yet. 

Yeah that's him. I'm still getting used to operating this site and editing my posts etc. Think I've fixed the last one now hopefully. 

Ken Robinson's talks on the education system are really interesting too. I've heard of ' The Element ' but not read it yet.