Constant suicidal and self harming thoughts :(

Go into nature and enjoy the peace and quiet. You have negative bias with fear, this is normal with autism brains. I find the garden helps. Talk positive feel positive. Make that your obsession.

The Imp of the Perverse said:

Can you tell us all though...is there anything that you're into, that takes away the pain for a bit, that grabs your attention even if only for a while? Any interest whatsoever that you like without reservation? It might be the thing, even if you get obsessive about it,  the thing that keeps you going. 

To take that further have you had any interests that you no longer pursue or feel the motivation or confidence to pursue?

hello micki! ...i too have been in similar states, my particular remody is to listen to minimalist-music - never fails. try arvo pert, hildegard of bingham. I am not ashamed to admint that i rock back-and-forth still despite being 52...it is what i call meditation-in- motion...a state of bliss ensues. and may i echo former post - we are here for you , dear friend of ours!

all the best

zeno

Micki...I can't help responding to your situation. Once a person gets in that zone of spiralling negativity, it is SO hard to stop. I would suggest you really get your GP on your side in order to stop the ESA people pushing you around should it come to that. You have every right to be on this earth, even with all of that disabling angst and fear, as anyone and don't let others tell you differently. Everyone here will be a friend to you if you stay in touch. You are definitely not alone. 

Try to see if you can find a balance, even if its just 80% awful, 20% coping, so when you feel really bad, you can convince yourself there will be a day or two a week or a few hours every day when you can cope. Keep holding on there buddy. The counselling may help but again find that balance...if it's not a 100% success, even 10% would be getting somewhere (don't know where all this percentage stuff came from!)

Can you tell us all though...is there anything that you're into, that takes away the pain for a bit, that grabs your attention even if only for a while? Any interest whatsoever that you like without reservation? It might be the thing, even if you get obsessive about it,  the thing that keeps you going. 

Share a bit and others will share with you. Get some dialogue going. Keep posting here. Keep involved. There's a community here ready-made for you.

 an beginning counceling very soon, although am quite confused what is happening and exactly who I am seeing.  I know I am awaiting to see the autism/aspergers psychiactric nurse, with diagnosis being the key there, and I now have a support worker and someone from social services helping me, but just all too slowly to stop these mood swings and suicidal behaviour in time.  My psychiatrist doesn't think I have depression, but, just like the anorexia, secondary conditions of these related to the anxiety of the ASD.

I totally understand the feelings gained from a "simple" trip out to meet someone, tackling the town, and coming home feeling in pieces and the needing to hide for the rest of the week, which usually happens.

My biggest fear is that my moods are too unprdicable and suicidal for the support to be able to help, as unless i was stating that I am going to kill myself, there is nothing that they can do to make things work faster.

I have a DLA application to fill out, and another esa health questionare too, which are both massive stresses.  This diagnosis has helped destroy my life so far, as my extreme moods were not taken serriously and ended in my relationship ending, and me taking an overdose last month, and I am trying to crawl back from that now, but failing badly.

The risperidone helps with the moods a little, and with general functioning, and the lorazepam is essential for when thoughts are becoming actions, but this cannot continue without tolerance and addiction, although nothing else has worked to this level before!  

I hope that the support can see this as a urgent situation, as I will do anything they want to help make this easier to function with, before I am completely house bound:(

Yes, this is clearly a hellish nightmare that you are suffering - at-least there does seem to be the suggestion of light at the end of the tunnel with a diagnosis, which hopefully will provide explanations for you and also for other professionals to work towards making your life less of a gruelling ordeal.

I also get very low sometimes too, in various ways.

I get very depressed as about 5 years ago now, I completed my MA and it was only after that, when a few weeks of Job Seekers Allowance debilitated me with acutes stress I was diagnosed with autism.

Since then I have been house-bound, suffering from acute stress, depression, chronic insomnia, getting benefits and still dependent on my parents.

It was not how I expected things to work-out after completely my MA, to say the least: that seems like a different life time now.

My day to day existence is very painful, heavily reliant upon codeine and sleeping pills to attempt even the most minimal activity: such as getting to the cinema, or for a walk - or possibly even to the gym if I can manage it - once a week (with a support worker).

Usually if I do so, there is quite a heavy cost in terms of intrusive stress that can ruin my routine and aggravate all my other conditions - so it is always something of a balancing act, particularly considering things which might be very heplful, such as getting my own place, or even finding employment, but which are often risky to undertake too... bringing something of a Catch-22 situation

All in all, it isn't a happy routine, nor one where I feel I have a great deal of control, let alone genuine independence - so it does little or nothing to my mood or self-esteem either really.

I wouldn't say I'm suicidal, but I do have so few friends,  even colleagues or other acquintances I sometimes find myself thinking: 'Well, I may as well be dead... it isn't as though it would make any real difference. Just save tax-payers a small amount of money.'

I think that the really hellish things for me tend to sensory... I went to a coffee shop in a nearby town today, as my support worker (who's been working with me for over a year) is leaving, so we were having a 'hand-off' meeting - where I was meeting one of the new people I'd be receiving support from...

Just the drive to the town, a quick visit to a shop to buy a comb, then an hour or so in a coffee shop and finally a taxi back... that basically reduced me to something of a jittery wreck. Exhausted and needing codeine just to calm my nerves enough to sleep most of the evening, still feeling wound-up: jaw-clenching and teeth-grinding, after that.

I guess I'm going on... but I think what I'm trying to say is - I think that there other people who share at least some of the sort of difficulties that you're going through... so lets hope that when authorities really begin to grasp that, they will start to respond to it.

Do you get counselling.?

I believe that couselling can be  better than medication.

When my Father died some orgaisations refused to counsell me as they said they cannot work with people with Autism that was back in 2006.

It is usual to have depression as a Co-Existing condition for  people with Autism.

David