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Constant suicidal and self harming thoughts :(

micki82

Hi, I am in the diagnostic process for HF ASD/Asperger’s, and am becoming scared by me current feelings of self harm, and my uncontrollable mood problems.

The slightest bit of stress is enough to push me over the edge, always towards rage and suicide.  I don't think I can carry on much longer feeling like this, and see self harm as one of the only ways of stopping me killing myself.  

I have expressed this to my psychiatrist and support workers, but there is little they can do to help, even if talking to them helps me at the time, it is gone within a half hour, and the negativity returns.  70-90% of my time is spent thinking of ending this horrible existence, and I don't know how to stop it in time to be safe.  

I have no family support and can't be taking more psychiatric drugs and functioning day to day, which is a struggle now.  I need this to stop though, I can't take anymore anxiety and can feel everything shattering around me again, when all I want to do is end this hell now and make everything leave me alone.  I want this to end.

I don't even know the point of posting this, as there is nothing people can do to stop this, I just need to say it to people who may understand these feelings I live with constantly.  I don't wish to distress people either, I am not sitting about to have a suicide attempt, I have had too many meds to act on these thoughts :(

Parents

  •  an beginning counceling very soon, although am quite confused what is happening and exactly who I am seeing.  I know I am awaiting to see the autism/aspergers psychiactric nurse, with diagnosis being the key there, and I now have a support worker and someone from social services helping me, but just all too slowly to stop these mood swings and suicidal behaviour in time.  My psychiatrist doesn't think I have depression, but, just like the anorexia, secondary conditions of these related to the anxiety of the ASD.

    I totally understand the feelings gained from a "simple" trip out to meet someone, tackling the town, and coming home feeling in pieces and the needing to hide for the rest of the week, which usually happens.

    My biggest fear is that my moods are too unprdicable and suicidal for the support to be able to help, as unless i was stating that I am going to kill myself, there is nothing that they can do to make things work faster.

    I have a DLA application to fill out, and another esa health questionare too, which are both massive stresses.  This diagnosis has helped destroy my life so far, as my extreme moods were not taken serriously and ended in my relationship ending, and me taking an overdose last month, and I am trying to crawl back from that now, but failing badly.

    The risperidone helps with the moods a little, and with general functioning, and the lorazepam is essential for when thoughts are becoming actions, but this cannot continue without tolerance and addiction, although nothing else has worked to this level before!  

    I hope that the support can see this as a urgent situation, as I will do anything they want to help make this easier to function with, before I am completely house bound:(

Reply

  •  an beginning counceling very soon, although am quite confused what is happening and exactly who I am seeing.  I know I am awaiting to see the autism/aspergers psychiactric nurse, with diagnosis being the key there, and I now have a support worker and someone from social services helping me, but just all too slowly to stop these mood swings and suicidal behaviour in time.  My psychiatrist doesn't think I have depression, but, just like the anorexia, secondary conditions of these related to the anxiety of the ASD.

    I totally understand the feelings gained from a "simple" trip out to meet someone, tackling the town, and coming home feeling in pieces and the needing to hide for the rest of the week, which usually happens.

    My biggest fear is that my moods are too unprdicable and suicidal for the support to be able to help, as unless i was stating that I am going to kill myself, there is nothing that they can do to make things work faster.

    I have a DLA application to fill out, and another esa health questionare too, which are both massive stresses.  This diagnosis has helped destroy my life so far, as my extreme moods were not taken serriously and ended in my relationship ending, and me taking an overdose last month, and I am trying to crawl back from that now, but failing badly.

    The risperidone helps with the moods a little, and with general functioning, and the lorazepam is essential for when thoughts are becoming actions, but this cannot continue without tolerance and addiction, although nothing else has worked to this level before!  

    I hope that the support can see this as a urgent situation, as I will do anything they want to help make this easier to function with, before I am completely house bound:(

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