Published on 12, July, 2020
I have only posted once before and appreciated the responses I got. I feel like I can turn to the community again for some help as I feel so pressured and confused and I genuinely feel like I’m slowly going insane. My partner has asd, not officially diagnosed yet as still on waiting list. But he has it and very aware that he has it. We have been together a couple of years, he’s in his early 30’s and since being with me has come to realise he has asd. He started out by telling me that he loved me early on and giving me affection and reining it from me happily. I noticed he wasn’t very verbal and say any kind of feelings or most chat via text. Since then I have learnt that he doesn’t like giving affection, I’m not sure how he feels about getting it because he says different things which confuses me. I generally don’t know where I stand with him. What is my purpose? He tends to do things with or for me as a tick box exercise not because he wants to. He says he struggles to talk about his feelings....yet if he wants sex all of a sudden he is then able to tell me his feelings- all be it limited but is capable. I can’t understand. I feel like even though we have built a life together and have made some commitments, he only actually sees me as a person who is there for his own sexual needs. I feel on a massive rollercoaster where I’m up and down and I don’t feel he’s completely honest with me and when I stupidly bring it up he says very hurtful things when I just need to know where I stand. I’m a very loving person and I crave quality time with him- this is rare as we have children from previous relationships that live with us. I genuinely feel that if I died tomorrow he wouldn’t care or feel a thing. I love him so much and want him to feel the same way about me too but I don’t think he can or does. I don’t know if his love is different to mine and when he says he loves me it’s different to how I love him at a ‘neurotypical’ person. I think about him when he’s not with me I care about him I want time with him I want to talk him and show him I love him. I fear he doesn’t feel or have any of this for me which leads me to such confusion as to why he’s with me still. He’s a good person and helps around the house and spends some do his time with me. But is it because he wants to? Is it because it’s what he thinks it’s what’s expected? Or is he doing it because he wants to have sex. He can tell me he loves me and say a nice thing if he wants sex but not really any other time. I don’t want to feel used in this way. Can anyone please help as I get no answers from him just answers and I have no idea how to understand him as he says a lot of contradictions. I appreciate any help as I feel like I’m going mad and I’m going to fall apart soon. Thankyou
Hi, I’m a woman with ASD who’s married to an NT man, although unfortunately we’re in the process of separating. Reading through what you’ve written about your partner, there are actually many parallels between behaviours between your partner and my husband. Such as not being very affectionate (unless he wants sex); doing things as a tick box exercise; not spending quality time with me; like I’m only there for his sexual needs; what is my purpose? and it’s made me feel, for years, pretty much the same as it’s made you feel, that if I died tomorrow, he probably wouldn’t even notice. I can’t help but wonder if there are other factors here apart from neurotype? Personality perhaps or dare I say even gender? I don’t know but what I do know, as an autistic woman, is that I am capable of love; I am capable of being in love and I am capable of being affectionate if I feel emotionally close to someone. I don’t think that an autistic person is any less able to love than an NT although admittedly we might not be quite as expressive about it. I do also think that regardless of neurotype there are gender differences in many aspects of being. Such as men’s interactions tend to be more functional whereas women are more likely to chitter chatter among themselves. As a rule of thumb women do tend to crave affection more. I might be autistic but I still like hug sometimes. Whereas men can sometimes be inclined to express how they feel through sex. None of what I’ve said is going to apply to everyone as we are all individuals but I just think that this is not purely down to your partners neurotype.