Published on 12, July, 2020
I have only posted once before and appreciated the responses I got. I feel like I can turn to the community again for some help as I feel so pressured and confused and I genuinely feel like I’m slowly going insane. My partner has asd, not officially diagnosed yet as still on waiting list. But he has it and very aware that he has it. We have been together a couple of years, he’s in his early 30’s and since being with me has come to realise he has asd. He started out by telling me that he loved me early on and giving me affection and reining it from me happily. I noticed he wasn’t very verbal and say any kind of feelings or most chat via text. Since then I have learnt that he doesn’t like giving affection, I’m not sure how he feels about getting it because he says different things which confuses me. I generally don’t know where I stand with him. What is my purpose? He tends to do things with or for me as a tick box exercise not because he wants to. He says he struggles to talk about his feelings....yet if he wants sex all of a sudden he is then able to tell me his feelings- all be it limited but is capable. I can’t understand. I feel like even though we have built a life together and have made some commitments, he only actually sees me as a person who is there for his own sexual needs. I feel on a massive rollercoaster where I’m up and down and I don’t feel he’s completely honest with me and when I stupidly bring it up he says very hurtful things when I just need to know where I stand. I’m a very loving person and I crave quality time with him- this is rare as we have children from previous relationships that live with us. I genuinely feel that if I died tomorrow he wouldn’t care or feel a thing. I love him so much and want him to feel the same way about me too but I don’t think he can or does. I don’t know if his love is different to mine and when he says he loves me it’s different to how I love him at a ‘neurotypical’ person. I think about him when he’s not with me I care about him I want time with him I want to talk him and show him I love him. I fear he doesn’t feel or have any of this for me which leads me to such confusion as to why he’s with me still. He’s a good person and helps around the house and spends some do his time with me. But is it because he wants to? Is it because it’s what he thinks it’s what’s expected? Or is he doing it because he wants to have sex. He can tell me he loves me and say a nice thing if he wants sex but not really any other time. I don’t want to feel used in this way. Can anyone please help as I get no answers from him just answers and I have no idea how to understand him as he says a lot of contradictions. I appreciate any help as I feel like I’m going mad and I’m going to fall apart soon. Thankyou
Hi, I’m a woman with ASD who’s married to an NT man, although unfortunately we’re in the process of separating. Reading through what you’ve written about your partner, there are actually many parallels between behaviours between your partner and my husband. Such as not being very affectionate (unless he wants sex); doing things as a tick box exercise; not spending quality time with me; like I’m only there for his sexual needs; what is my purpose? and it’s made me feel, for years, pretty much the same as it’s made you feel, that if I died tomorrow, he probably wouldn’t even notice. I can’t help but wonder if there are other factors here apart from neurotype? Personality perhaps or dare I say even gender? I don’t know but what I do know, as an autistic woman, is that I am capable of love; I am capable of being in love and I am capable of being affectionate if I feel emotionally close to someone. I don’t think that an autistic person is any less able to love than an NT although admittedly we might not be quite as expressive about it. I do also think that regardless of neurotype there are gender differences in many aspects of being. Such as men’s interactions tend to be more functional whereas women are more likely to chitter chatter among themselves. As a rule of thumb women do tend to crave affection more. I might be autistic but I still like hug sometimes. Whereas men can sometimes be inclined to express how they feel through sex. None of what I’ve said is going to apply to everyone as we are all individuals but I just think that this is not purely down to your partners neurotype.
HelloI'm new to the community but thought I'd reply as my husband has a diagnosis of Aspergers, which I knew about before I married him and started living with him.Have you heard of the five love languages? Gifts, words of affirmation, acts of service, time and touch. Does your partner express his feelings by way of gifts and acts of service if his intentions using the other love languages appear contradictory? What do your family and friends make of your partner? How is he with his children and yours? Is he willing to learn more about the five love languages and about expressing his feelings to you? (Sorry, a barrage of questions!)The NAS website has lots of stuff to read about autism. Your local NAS group might also be able to help, sometimes they have activities for people on the spectrum who are parents and for people whose partners are autistic. You could also try an activity with your children all together or just for you and the children, and hear others' stories in person about their relationships with people on the spectrum, as well as insight from this forum :-)All the very best for the future
HelpingMia said:Thankyou so much for your response and that does make sense. He can’t ever seem to properly be able to explain things to me in a way I can use stand as a neurotypical. He hates peoples touching him and it repulses him apart from me but any kind of touch he deems sexual. I can’t understand this I’ve asked if it’s lust rather than love and he says it’s not. If I’m sad or down or just want a cuddle will he always just feel it as a sexual thing or can he just give me a hug? He can’t explain this either?
Perhaps consider the difficulty you are having understanding him is similar to his problem understanding you involving more Feminine and Masculine characteristics or character traits ~ with the Feminine traits being more psychologically orientated involving 'Affective' (emotional) influences, and the Masculine traits being more physiological;y orientated involving 'Effective' (physical) influences.
Rather than imagining then that it is lust rather than love (which equates with 'black or white' / 'all or nothing' thinking) ~ consider by proportion that physiological lust is an integral cohesion of psychological love (as involving shades of grey or spectrums of colour) as ranges of interaction.
So maybe discuss love and lust more in terms of needing to be proportionally more graduated and balanced as required aspects of developmental interaction in your relationship, rather than inadvertently disempowering each other by separating Affective love from Effective lust, sort of thing.
It seems as such that there is a need to establish some codes of conduct with requests and permissions where for instance a cuddle is just cuddle, and yes means yes and no means no, whether that be in the spoken or the gestural sense. Sexual interactions are of course only appropriate when they are consensual rather than being obligatory or in any way labored or forced.
Unless I am mistaken, from what you describe perhaps, it may be that courtship and flirtation have been to some extent forgotten in your relationship, and you are both as such missing out on the romantic sanctity and reverence that so doing provides ~ plus the thrill of chase and all that. Courtship is after all about pacing and maintaining the satisfying conservations and innovations of a romantic lifestyle.
Thankyou so much for your response and that does make sense. He can’t ever seem to properly be able to explain things to me in a way I can use stand as a neurotypical. He hates peoples touching him and it repulses him apart from me but any kind of touch he deems sexual. I can’t understand this I’ve asked if it’s lust rather than love and he says it’s not. If I’m sad or down or just want a cuddle will he always just feel it as a sexual thing or can he just give me a hug? He can’t explain this either?
As a autistic person I'm not an expert on relationships at all, probably the opposite, but it sounds like you describe a 'painting by numbers approach' by your husband to achieve his physical goals, which makes you feel like an emotional yo-yo. Thing is sometimes autistic folk are deemed emotional less or lacking in empathy, but I suspect for many it's not the case atleast internally ( perhaps externally) it's more of a problem manifesting the show in a socially accpetable and readily digestable fashion for the average punter to comprehend. When they need is great barriers can be overcome, if you understand, but to operate in that mode all the time would be too greater cost , like asking a physically disabled person in a wheelchair to walk to the shops, they might be able to do it once, but not several times a day all day. By doing stuff he's showing love and thus not just a cynical ploy to have a sex slave, whether this is enough for you is your decision. Just my probably rubbish insight. The contradictory stuff he says needs to be nailed down, is it a problem with communication or is it as you think the caprices of lust and desire manifesting themselves ?