Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm never anywhere in between the two states of 'interested' or 'can't be bothered' or 'there is no point in doing X Y or Z" Even when I'm interested in something I'm always bordering onto 'can't be bothered' Always teetering just on the edge of at any moment turning to "there is no point." I can't make decisions to do anything because of it. I keep telling myself to stick with the decisions I make so I don't keep changing them, that once I've made the decision to for example go on a bird watching trip then I go on that bird watching trip. But there always seems to be this push back that can't resist saying, "No. I can't be bothered with this" and the whole list of reasons why not to. 1. The weather.
2. I'm always disappointed by everything anyway.
3. My photography is *** anyway.
4. the faff of having to go from one place to another
5. Dealing with other people who are all strangers.
And I end up in a fight with myself.
I get so frustrated with myself I'll tense my muscles till it aches and punch them to make them ache quicker. I'm so tired of the constant feeling of resistance to everything. I've tried all the meditation, 'being more open' to experiences and all that stuff. It feels like really, all I really want to do is exist in a vacuum with nothing around me that can overstimulate me or even understimulate me. I guess I'm probably describing death. To treat depression I'm supposed to carry on taking meds and keep somewhat forcing myself into tasks so that I can feel the relief. But I'm not sure it's a relief anymore. It's just too tiring. I feel like my life is just me treading through treacle with every single thing I try. My it's this 'autistic inertia' that I have heard of around here as well as Depression. I don't know why, at this rate, I continue to carry on at all.
I often find I'll have a bright idea one day that I'm really interested in (e.g. applying for a new job, taking up a new hobby etc.), then I'll come up with all these reasons to talk myself out of it (e.g. I won't be good at it), which leads to losing my motivation.
I guess all we can do is keep moving forward and keep trying. I've decided to try and make some small changes to improve my day-to-day life, with the hope that it'll help my motivation in the long run.
What sort of changes?
I'm trying to look after my health better; I've been quite unwell lately (both physically and mentally), and I'm sure stress is a huge factor. I'm trying to do basic things, like eating a more balanced diet, making the effort to go into the office instead of working from home (so I have to do a bit of walking rather than sitting in my flat all day), and taking some time out in the day to do activities that relax me, such as watching a film or listening to a podcast.
I really want to get back into creative writing, but I'm struggling with depression, so that makes me feel like I don't have any ideas and I convince myself that I won't be any good at it. Instead of pressurising myself into writing, I've got back into reading, which is a great form of escapism for me. It's also giving me the occasional idea for a story, so I'm just jotting those down as and when they come.
I'm also trying to manage other people's expectations and say no more often. I have a tendency to say yes whenever someone asks me for help (particularly at work), so I'm trying to gently push back when I don't have the time or the energy to stretch myself further.
I'm still working on it all, but I'm hoping it'll start to help.