Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm never anywhere in between the two states of 'interested' or 'can't be bothered' or 'there is no point in doing X Y or Z" Even when I'm interested in something I'm always bordering onto 'can't be bothered' Always teetering just on the edge of at any moment turning to "there is no point." I can't make decisions to do anything because of it. I keep telling myself to stick with the decisions I make so I don't keep changing them, that once I've made the decision to for example go on a bird watching trip then I go on that bird watching trip. But there always seems to be this push back that can't resist saying, "No. I can't be bothered with this" and the whole list of reasons why not to. 1. The weather.
2. I'm always disappointed by everything anyway.
3. My photography is *** anyway.
4. the faff of having to go from one place to another
5. Dealing with other people who are all strangers.
And I end up in a fight with myself.
I get so frustrated with myself I'll tense my muscles till it aches and punch them to make them ache quicker. I'm so tired of the constant feeling of resistance to everything. I've tried all the meditation, 'being more open' to experiences and all that stuff. It feels like really, all I really want to do is exist in a vacuum with nothing around me that can overstimulate me or even understimulate me. I guess I'm probably describing death. To treat depression I'm supposed to carry on taking meds and keep somewhat forcing myself into tasks so that I can feel the relief. But I'm not sure it's a relief anymore. It's just too tiring. I feel like my life is just me treading through treacle with every single thing I try. My it's this 'autistic inertia' that I have heard of around here as well as Depression. I don't know why, at this rate, I continue to carry on at all.
I am experiencing a similar situation.
Resistance to start and sometimes to do things.
If I am engaged in my especial interest then I won't avoid or procrastinate it. Anything other than my especial interest is really hard to do.
I realized when I moved out of my parents house my situation got worsen. I guess it is because I couldn't do all my routines, I stopped even morning showers and washing my face and teeth in the morning. The only routine that is still valid is my breakfast which is the same breakfast for years.
I recently diagnosed with autism, I think if I can form my routines again it might help to recover executive dysfunction part of my autism.
I think executive dysfunction is a large problem for me. And when executive dysfunction can be a symptom of both Autism and Depression it's like I have a double whammy of it. For some reason the last two weeks or so I've been particularly bad with executive dysfunction and I'm a constant state of agitation right now trying to figure out what I'm going to have forgotten to have done next, what I haven't organised that needs organised, my flat has gone from tidy and 'keeping on top of it' to clutter again. I feel like I'm drowning
I understand what you're saying - I sometimes have to *force* myself to do things in my hobby, despite the fact that I really enjoy it. I think Executive Function might have something to do with it, and I do experience "There's no point", "Why paint that when we will be moving in 5 or 10 years time", "I can't bear making that worse before it gets better", "This is just prep work with no payback".
I'm trying to look after my health better; I've been quite unwell lately (both physically and mentally), and I'm sure stress is a huge factor. I'm trying to do basic things, like eating a more balanced diet, making the effort to go into the office instead of working from home (so I have to do a bit of walking rather than sitting in my flat all day), and taking some time out in the day to do activities that relax me, such as watching a film or listening to a podcast.
I really want to get back into creative writing, but I'm struggling with depression, so that makes me feel like I don't have any ideas and I convince myself that I won't be any good at it. Instead of pressurising myself into writing, I've got back into reading, which is a great form of escapism for me. It's also giving me the occasional idea for a story, so I'm just jotting those down as and when they come.
I'm also trying to manage other people's expectations and say no more often. I have a tendency to say yes whenever someone asks me for help (particularly at work), so I'm trying to gently push back when I don't have the time or the energy to stretch myself further.
I'm still working on it all, but I'm hoping it'll start to help.
What sort of changes?
I dunno. Some of o my avoidance is because of anxiety which would go along with PDA or PAD. But many of my problems are more about motivation. I lose the motivation to care, to bother.
I often find I'll have a bright idea one day that I'm really interested in (e.g. applying for a new job, taking up a new hobby etc.), then I'll come up with all these reasons to talk myself out of it (e.g. I won't be good at it), which leads to losing my motivation.
I guess all we can do is keep moving forward and keep trying. I've decided to try and make some small changes to improve my day-to-day life, with the hope that it'll help my motivation in the long run.
I believe it’s a Pathological Avoidance Disorder. I was reading about it on the website before. I found it fascinating as I saw a lot o my own behaviour in what it was saying. Perhaps have a read and see what you think.
Do you mean PDA?
Fear!
I think some of what you are describing is PAD behaviour. I go through quite a similar behaviour. If someone asks me to do something or, especially, go somewhere, I say yes as a reaction. Part of me knows I should do theses things as well, but then there is another part of me that knows I'm the master of excuses. Usually by the time the event comes around I've dreamt up some elaborate reason why it would be impossible for me to go. I've even resorted to faking illness.
More recently though I've tried to look at it differently and take the time to think why I need to avoid it. Then I can look a putting things in place to help me go through with it instead. Sometimes that means driving miles on my own to the place we are supposed to be going so I can suss it all out first. The other way to spend literally hours on line looking at places. Maps, pictures, reviews, street view that sort of thing.
This seems to help. Doesn't always work, but if it doesn't I try not to dwell on it. Try to think "I couldn't do X this time, but I did manage y last time". Again doesn't always work, but it's something.
Good luck dude. Give yourself a break. It's not easy this ***, but it's beatable one fairy step at a time.
I genuinely, and totally, know what youve just described !