I'm not really sure if this is all going to make sense. But I need to get ot off my chest. I don't know where else to go.
I have felt depressed for a while now, I remember first going to see a doctor back in November 2014. Since then I have been a bit up and down, mostly down. I have tried multiple things to combat this, and seen various doctors and other organizations that say they can help and they don't. I get a sense of false positivity when this happens, and then just end up feeling crushed when I feel the same at the end. I feel alone all the time. I don't really have anyone but my family, and i'm even pushing them away with my behaviour. I'm just so angry all the time, and I end up taking it out on them. I wanted to end my life last year, but wouldn't because I couldn't leave my family potentially feeling like I do. Those thoughts went away for a while, but they're back now. I don't know what to do, because I feel like there isn't the help out there to feel better, but I feep like I can't end it because I couldn't do that to my family. So I just feel stuck here.
Welcome. I share a lot of your feelings.
Can I ask, have you been diagnosed with ASC? Or do you suspect it's at the root of the problems you seem to be facing?
What do you think it is that's causing your anger? Is it frustration because you feel that no one is listening? Can you say any more about some of the issues you have?
Hi Tom, I was diagnosed with Asperger's back in 2016. I think there are a lot of factors contributing to the issues I face. My anger has built up over the years. Things have happened to me to make me angry, from other people, and nothing has happened to those people. Things the government do have angered me, things about society have really angered me. After talking to psychologists about my anger, I think my anger is a build up of loads of little things where I haven't had the chance to release the anger. Then when something happens, no matter how small, it is like my brain is then an archive of everything that has gone wrong, or everyone that has hurt me. And I just want to erupt and hurt someone. I feel so bad about myself for soany reasons. I'm so alone all the time. No matter what I do to try and get help, I just always end up feeling the same way. I'm sick of fighting to try and be happy. I just can't anymore.
I completely understand where you're coming from. I get angry about all sorts of things: injustice, greed, selfishness, people who can't seem to care less about anything but themselves. I had a situation in my workplace recently where I was driven to a meltdown - which was basically about frustration and rage finding a vent. I've just had to explain to my manager, too, how seemingly small and trivial things - like someone's dismissive behaviour, or a stray comment - can be big matters indeed for any autistic person, who has enough struggles in trying to understand others' behaviour.
John Lydon said anger is an energy. Righteous anger - such us about the things you have mentioned - can be a positive thing. If you find the right channel for it. And maybe finding the right channel is what you need to do. Violence is rarely, if ever, the right channel. Violence just begets more violence.
Many years ago, when I first became angry about cruelty to animals, I chose to channel that into helping animals. I got involved in non-violent direct action. It helped me to manage my anger - the feeling that I was making a difference, however small. Later, that extended to human rights issues and environmental issues. I got involved in positive things: leafleting, local action campaigns, conservation projects. I worked with homeless and other vulnerable people.
Another thing that has helped me is adopting a spiritual approach to life. I looked to people like Gandhi and Thoreau, and learned from them. I did some meditation exercises, which helped me to control my emotions.
I still get very angry now, about a lot of things. I channel a lot of that now through things like writing.
As for the people who have hurt me - there are many. Bullies, etc. It took me a long time, and I'm still not great at it, but I try to look at these people as damaged themselves in some way. People maybe deserving of some understanding - maybe even sympathy. I try to develop the capacity to forgive... and to move on with my life. I have a firm belief that these people cannot be happy, not deep down, and that sooner or later things will catch up with them. They may be seen to be getting away with it in some ways, but in others they're not.
That takes time and practice, though. Other things you might try, which could help, are maybe taking up a martial art - especially something like Tai Chi. Failing that, it can be very cathartic to get a punch bag, and when the urge is high in you to take it out on that.