I don't know what's the matter with me. At work today, but just seeing this woman has got me shaking. At least I'm off for 2 days after today. Would have been mum's 90th birthday tomorrow. That's part of it , I suppose . But I can't go on like this .
Alright, first of all: what can you do to calm down and change your mind a little. Walk? Watch a film? Cuddle the cat?
Then, take a small valium or call your GP to prescribe you something light tomtake the edge off?
I think your mum's birthday is a big deal and brings back memories and stress-related experiences. It is nasty how those things work on the mind.
Hello MT, Sorry to hear you are having a bad day. I’ve been researching how best to deal with the lows associated with autism. I researched neuroscience, modern and historical philosophy and philosophies of the East. Given the lamentable lack of practical help offered by mental health services and autism organisations, I felt self help was the only option available. After 6 weeks of a trial run, I am feeling the benefits. I hope to post about this later on in the week. Take care of yourself, Graham.
So sorry to hear this Tom. Hope you are soon at home with Daisy and able to take a breath. It's tough at work when there is stuff happening in your life outside. Anniversaries can have a huge impact.
We've shared information about PTSD before and it is almost certainly relevant in this situation. Trouble is as we both know work often comes as a package with lovely service users and attack dogs.
Remember how much the service users miss you when you are off. You are a good person doing a good job in difficult circumstances.
You may well need to extract yourself from this situation at some point but try and take care of yourself in the process of doing so. My union rep is holding me back from my usual fight or flight response currently. My head says I can tough it out, but my heart says "never run back to what broke you".
Take care. You are so supportive to people here, and it's horrible to see you suffering like this.
Do let the support people at work know how tough you are finding things if you feel able to. I am finally at the point where I can see the benefits of doing this.
Thanks, folks. Sorry for the late response. I was just feeling in a bit of a pit yesterday when I wrote this. We're short of staff this week, so I know they were doing their best to work with me given the other constraints at work. The morning was okay - but I knew that, in the afternoon, I would need to be working on the same floor as this other person, and the likelihood was that our paths would cross at some point. The anxiety this invoked was making me feel sick. I almost asked if I could possibly swap to another client. But then I thought I would just bite the bullet, go along with it, and hope for the best.
In the end, it wasn't too bad. We were working around one another at one point, but there were other, more sympathetic staff members also present - and that took some of the heat. In fact, there was a bit of indirect communication. One of the other staff members was discussing an issue which we were all able to comment on, and the overall tone was humorous. This woman also found a reason to be out of the building for an hour with her client, which also relieved the atmosphere. I was glad when home time came, though.
I got an email last night to say that the college I got offered a job at a couple of months ago (I turned it down because it would have meant longer hours and days for the same money as I now get, but pro-rata because term-time only) is now advertising for a Learning Support Practioner (as before), but at a higher rate of pay because it's working with PMLD students. I've worked with PMLD before, and quite enjoyed it. I'm trained with hoists and slings, and have done PEG feeding. I also drive, and use of adapted vehicles is required. It will mean 5 days instead of 4, and they will be longer days by up to 2 hours because of starting and finishing times and location. I'll probably only be £100 a month better off - but it is only for 38 weeks per year (there is little flexibility with getting other time off, but I guess I could live with that). I'm weighing it up, and still have 12 days for the application. Maybe I'll see how next week pans out.
Thanks again. At least I'm off today. I'm just waiting for a parcel delivery, then I'm off up to the place where we scattered mum's ashes to spend some time.
Oop.... there's the bell...
Good to hear this Tom. Term time only jobs seem to work well for many autistic people - I've just applied for one myself :-)
Sometimes I think it's worth putting in an application and just seeing what happens next. It is good experience and I like to practice my interview skills from time to time.
Hope your reflective time remembering your mum has brought you some peace today, and that the weather has been kind to you. ()
I think you should do as @sunflower says. Apply and see what happens. I find they often put job descriptions and demands out there which later on in the process can be adjusted a little.
Thanks. I actually got offered a similar position with them once before, but with lower pay because of fewer hours and with less demanding students. I turned it down because I would be working longer days and would be no better off. The other main thing, though, was that there is no parking on campus, so staff have to find free parking wherever they can. A chap I knew from another job works there, and he says he has to park around 15 minutes walk away, which adds a bit to the day - and it's hit and miss. You need to get there early. He also said that the long holidays is the main perk, and that there is quite a rapid staff turnover - which isn't always a good sign. He seems okay there, though.
It was beautiful up at the spot - on the downs, above the sea. It was a grey day to start, but the sun came out when I got there. And as I stood quietly, a robin started chup-chupping nearby. I looked and saw it in the branches of a bush. It then hopped closer, and closer... until it was no more than four feet away, and looking at me intently. I was absolutely spellbound for those 20 or so seconds. Then it took flight. Later, though - as I walked down the path to the beach to return home - it appeared again nearby. This brilliant smudge of red, like a flame, in the day. I felt the whole weight of things lift from me - like I wasn't alone at all. Like someone was keeping watch, and was acknowledging me with this small, bright messenger.
I will. I know it'll mean having to take a Maths GCSE, which I don't have - and is a pain, really. But I'll apply and see what happens.
How lovely Tom! A small bright messenger came to visit me on Saturday morning - the day after my diagnosis.
I was in bed reading Sara Ryan's heartbreaking blog about Connor Sparrowhawk when a Red Admiral butterfly appeared at the window dancing in the sunlight. I watched it for a few seconds then it disappeared.
Suddenly the butterfly flew through the doorway into the bedroom and got stuck in a blind. I caught it in a jar and felt the gentlest touch of its wings on the palm of my hand just before I released it.
Moments like the one you experienced this morning are very special and I really think they mean something.
Thanks. I meant to say... congratulations on your diagnosis. I knew you were counting down. I'm sorry - I got bound up with other stuff. Actually, 'congratulations' is probably the wrong word - but you know what I mean!
Yes... I'm very sensitive to these things and put a lot of store by them. I had lots of 'signs' immediately after mum passed away - found coins, feathers, books, etc - and they gave me a lot of encouragement. Also, things happened at significant times - and I know I saw mum's ghost, the day after her funeral. My brother dismisses it all as 'coincidences' - but whatever helps, I think.
Here are a couple of links to pieces I've posted on the writers' site I use - excerpts from my book. They might be of interest to you, in spite of the subject matter. I use a pseudonym on there, too, so there are no clues as to my identity.
Gift: A Son's Story (Signs)
Gift: A Son's Story (More Signs)
This one is about the night before the funeral, when mum was brought back to her bungalow from the Chapel of Rest, and I went to spend that final night...
Gift: A Son's Story (The Night Before)