Struggling today

Thanks, folks.  Sorry for the late response.  I was just feeling in a bit of a pit yesterday when I wrote this.  We're short of staff this week, so I know they were doing their best to work with me given the other constraints at work.  The morning was okay - but I knew that, in the afternoon, I would need to be working on the same floor as this other person, and the likelihood was that our paths would cross at some point.  The anxiety this invoked was making me feel sick.  I almost asked if I could possibly swap to another client.  But then I thought I would just bite the bullet, go along with it, and hope for the best.

In the end, it wasn't too bad.  We were working around one another at one point, but there were other, more sympathetic staff members also present - and that took some of the heat.  In fact, there was a bit of indirect communication.  One of the other staff members was discussing an issue which we were all able to comment on, and the overall tone was humorous.  This woman also found a reason to be out of the building for an hour with her client, which also relieved the atmosphere.  I was glad when home time came, though.

I got an email last night to say that the college I got offered a job at a couple of months ago (I turned it down because it would have meant longer hours and days for the same money as I now get, but pro-rata because term-time only) is now advertising for a Learning Support Practioner (as before), but at a higher rate of pay because it's working with PMLD students.  I've worked with PMLD before, and quite enjoyed it.  I'm trained with hoists and slings, and have done PEG feeding.  I also drive, and use of adapted vehicles is required.  It will mean 5 days instead of 4, and they will be longer days by up to 2 hours because of starting and finishing times and location.  I'll probably only be £100 a month better off - but it is only for 38 weeks per year (there is little flexibility with getting other time off, but I guess I could live with that).   I'm weighing it up, and still have 12 days for the application.  Maybe I'll see how next week pans out.

Thanks again.  At least I'm off today.  I'm just waiting for a parcel delivery, then I'm off up to the place where we scattered mum's ashes to spend some time.

Oop.... there's the bell...

Good to hear this Tom. Term time only jobs seem to work well for many autistic people - I've just applied for one myself :-)

Sometimes I think it's worth putting in an application and just seeing what happens next. It is good experience and I like to practice my interview skills from time to time. 

Hope your reflective time remembering your mum has brought you some peace today, and that the weather has been kind to you. ()

Thanks.  I actually got offered a similar position with them once before, but with lower pay because of fewer hours and with less demanding students.  I turned it down because I would be working longer days and would be no better off.  The other main thing, though, was that there is no parking on campus, so staff have to find free parking wherever they can.  A chap I knew from another job works there, and he says he has to park around 15 minutes walk away, which adds a bit to the day - and it's hit and miss.  You need to get there early.  He also said that the long holidays is the main perk, and that there is quite a rapid staff turnover - which isn't always a good sign.  He seems okay there, though.

It was beautiful up at the spot - on the downs, above the sea.  It was a grey day to start, but the sun came out when I got there.  And as I stood quietly, a robin started chup-chupping nearby.  I looked and saw it in the branches of a bush.  It then hopped closer, and closer... until it was no more than four feet away, and looking at me intently.  I was absolutely spellbound for those 20 or so seconds.  Then it took flight.  Later, though - as I walked down the path to the beach to return home - it appeared again nearby.  This brilliant smudge of red, like a flame, in the day.  I felt the whole weight of things lift from me - like I wasn't alone at all.  Like someone was keeping watch, and was acknowledging me with this small, bright messenger.

Thank you so much. It's nearly a week since my diagnosis. Still trying to make sense of it - that will probably always be true. I am becoming more myself now, and gradually letting go of  anxiety.

I'm in another kind of limbo while I wait for the full report to arrive. Being off work with tendonitis is giving me some helpful breathing space.  

I really enjoyed reading your stories. I don't often talk about synchronicity, portents and ghosts. They tend to alarm other people but have been a great comfort to me. 

Ah a little message from your mum!

Ever since my dad passes away, I get those kind of visits from birds of prey, in places where you don't expect them. Often buzzards. My dad was a big bird of prey fan.

Thanks.  I meant to say... congratulations on your diagnosis.  I knew you were counting down.  I'm sorry - I got bound up with other stuff.  Actually, 'congratulations' is probably the wrong word - but you know what I mean!

Yes... I'm very sensitive to these things and put a lot of store by them.  I had lots of 'signs' immediately after mum passed away - found coins, feathers, books, etc - and they gave me a lot of encouragement.  Also, things happened at significant times - and I know I saw mum's ghost, the day after her funeral.  My brother dismisses it all as 'coincidences' - but whatever helps, I think.

Here are a couple of links to pieces I've posted on the writers' site I use - excerpts from my book.  They might be of interest to you, in spite of the subject matter.  I use a pseudonym on there, too, so there are no clues as to my identity.

Gift: A Son's Story (Signs)

Gift: A Son's Story (More Signs)

This one is about the night before the funeral, when mum was brought back to her bungalow from the Chapel of Rest, and I went to spend that final night...

Gift: A Son's Story (The Night Before)

Thanks.  I meant to say... congratulations on your diagnosis.  I knew you were counting down.  I'm sorry - I got bound up with other stuff.  Actually, 'congratulations' is probably the wrong word - but you know what I mean!

Yes... I'm very sensitive to these things and put a lot of store by them.  I had lots of 'signs' immediately after mum passed away - found coins, feathers, books, etc - and they gave me a lot of encouragement.  Also, things happened at significant times - and I know I saw mum's ghost, the day after her funeral.  My brother dismisses it all as 'coincidences' - but whatever helps, I think.

Here are a couple of links to pieces I've posted on the writers' site I use - excerpts from my book.  They might be of interest to you, in spite of the subject matter.  I use a pseudonym on there, too, so there are no clues as to my identity.

Gift: A Son's Story (Signs)

Gift: A Son's Story (More Signs)

This one is about the night before the funeral, when mum was brought back to her bungalow from the Chapel of Rest, and I went to spend that final night...

Gift: A Son's Story (The Night Before)

Thank you so much. It's nearly a week since my diagnosis. Still trying to make sense of it - that will probably always be true. I am becoming more myself now, and gradually letting go of  anxiety.

I'm in another kind of limbo while I wait for the full report to arrive. Being off work with tendonitis is giving me some helpful breathing space.  

I really enjoyed reading your stories. I don't often talk about synchronicity, portents and ghosts. They tend to alarm other people but have been a great comfort to me.