Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello.
I'm going to share some stuff on here about my experiences of addiction. Writing things down seems to help me. Maybe I'll get some helpful feedback or be able to help someone else too.
I'm a functioning addict and have been for quite some time, I suppose. My first referral to alcohol services actually came on the back of a mental health assessment for CBT. I went through a questionnaire which included my drinking habits. At the end of the questionnaire the lady doing the assessment said, "well we can't treat you because you're classed as alcohol dependant." This came as quite a shock.
I did engage with alcohol services but I lied about drug use (I was using cocaine every weekend). I quit drinking spirits/wine and drank nothing stronger than beer. I was down to maybe 30 units a week. But it crept back up to 70-80 units plus. I didn't do anything for a couple of years. It was affecting my marriage, work, my mental health. It was affecting everything really. My cocaine use was increasing. I was spending too much. I was starting to get physical withdrawal. I felt worse in the mornings if I didn't drink the night before (a reverse hangover I called it). I was wrestles and kind of itchy due to cocaine withdrawal and spent all week thinking/worrying about my habit.
I finally bit the bullet and went to my G. P. for a referral. Admitted the whole thing. It was incredibly difficult to do. The first session I went to I broke down in. I could feel the tears coming and I had to just let them. When I left I had to sit in the car for 10 minutes before I could compose myself enough to drive. I spent the rest of the day just lying on my bed crying thinking, "how the *** has it come to this?"
Anyway I carried on with a couple if counselling services (one for drugs and one for alcohol) and got some degree of control back. That was about a year ago. I've cut down to 20 units most weeks. The cocaine use is down to about a quarter of what it used to be. But I have behavioural/habitual issues which are proving difficult to break. Im having CBT via a charity called Addaction at the moment. At my session yesterday I set myself a goal to have a sober/clean weekend this weekend. And I got through last night! I did some Thought Records which my therapist gave me. I tried to replace the, "treat" of alcohol and cocaine with the treat of a take away and some sugary drinks. It wasn't easy but it wasn't too hard either. I still have tonight and Sunday to get through but I feel quite confident.
Hopefully I'll get back on here with some positive news at the end of the weekend.
Bye for now.
The cravings are here! Haven't had a drink yet this week. Im grumpy and twitchy and everything is doing my head in. I don't know weather to sit it out or just give in to it. Obviously the easy thing would be to drink. But easy isn't always the best way. It's crazy how when 'addict brain' kicks in you have this little devil jumping up and down on your shoulder, telling you you, "deserve a treat" or, "you've done really well" or, a million other reasons why it's OK and why it'll be somehow different from all those other times. Like this time I deffinately won't get two beers in think 'f#*k it' buy a bag of coke, stay up till three in the morning and go to bed sweating and worrying that I'm going to have a heart attack. Even though that's probably exactly what's going to happen. But for now at least I feel a bit better for having had a rant. Thanks for listening.
Boy, do I understand these words, Joe. Time after time after time.
This last week, it's got worryingly bad. I started with a tiny bottle of wine - one of those that just fills a glass. I thought that would do, as a treat. Then I extended the treat with a half-bottle of scotch. Before the end of the week, I was downing best part of a bottle of scotch a day. Last night in bed, my heart was pounding so hard that I couldn't sleep. I could hear it banging in my head. Today is my first day sober again. I've felt pretty frazzled all day. But I've treated myself to some good food, drunk plenty of water, watched a film to keep my mind distracted. Tomorrow, I know I'll feel better - after a proper, natural night's sleep. That's when I have to work that extra bit harder and resist the temptation.
Well done on a week. I hope you've managed to keep it going.
Keep talking!
Hello Tom.
Haven't managed to completely abstain but only got a few beers in. I don't intend to go out for any more so think I'm fine.
Do you mind me asking if you have had any help? I've been lucky enough to find some good therapists in the past 12 months or so. I often wonder if the support people get is a postcode lottery. I'm interested in other people's experiences.
Thanks, Tom. Take care.