Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello.
I'm going to share some stuff on here about my experiences of addiction. Writing things down seems to help me. Maybe I'll get some helpful feedback or be able to help someone else too.
I'm a functioning addict and have been for quite some time, I suppose. My first referral to alcohol services actually came on the back of a mental health assessment for CBT. I went through a questionnaire which included my drinking habits. At the end of the questionnaire the lady doing the assessment said, "well we can't treat you because you're classed as alcohol dependant." This came as quite a shock.
I did engage with alcohol services but I lied about drug use (I was using cocaine every weekend). I quit drinking spirits/wine and drank nothing stronger than beer. I was down to maybe 30 units a week. But it crept back up to 70-80 units plus. I didn't do anything for a couple of years. It was affecting my marriage, work, my mental health. It was affecting everything really. My cocaine use was increasing. I was spending too much. I was starting to get physical withdrawal. I felt worse in the mornings if I didn't drink the night before (a reverse hangover I called it). I was wrestles and kind of itchy due to cocaine withdrawal and spent all week thinking/worrying about my habit.
I finally bit the bullet and went to my G. P. for a referral. Admitted the whole thing. It was incredibly difficult to do. The first session I went to I broke down in. I could feel the tears coming and I had to just let them. When I left I had to sit in the car for 10 minutes before I could compose myself enough to drive. I spent the rest of the day just lying on my bed crying thinking, "how the *** has it come to this?"
Anyway I carried on with a couple if counselling services (one for drugs and one for alcohol) and got some degree of control back. That was about a year ago. I've cut down to 20 units most weeks. The cocaine use is down to about a quarter of what it used to be. But I have behavioural/habitual issues which are proving difficult to break. Im having CBT via a charity called Addaction at the moment. At my session yesterday I set myself a goal to have a sober/clean weekend this weekend. And I got through last night! I did some Thought Records which my therapist gave me. I tried to replace the, "treat" of alcohol and cocaine with the treat of a take away and some sugary drinks. It wasn't easy but it wasn't too hard either. I still have tonight and Sunday to get through but I feel quite confident.
Hopefully I'll get back on here with some positive news at the end of the weekend.
Bye for now.
Hi JoeChip, I can relate.There seems to be a bit of a myth that autistic people can't get addicted because addiction is illogical - but I know that isn't true. I got addicted to online gambling before I realised I'm autistic, and looking back I know that I was using the hyperfocus of the games to screen out the sensory world (more accurately perhaps it kept me occupied whilst I sat still in peace and quiet when everyone else in the house had gone to bed).
What I seem to have learned is that addiction is addiction - the "substance" is almost incidental, and focusing on "not doing the thing" isn't particularly helpful. The route out (for me at least) was finding out what the thing gave me and then finding healthy ways to achieve the same result - which isn't easy at all, especially compared to how easy the addiction is to access. Even worse, denying yourself access to "the thing" for me was just another game level to unlock - the prize of the addiction behind the puzzle of the locks that I had put in place.
I had several big "offs" where I lost an awful lot of money in one sitting by depositing more and more money to chase my losses, and the last one of these made me suicidal and feel incredibly alone with no support from anywhere (I rang several support services who turned out to be unhelpful in that instance). But around that time the truth was sinking in about my autism and I was starting to allow myself to be different and look after my own needs, and the abysmal, horrible, lonely feeling of that night stayed in my memory as something that told me never to do it again, and I haven't. It now seems like a distant memory that I think of rarely and part of a previous life, and I'm hugely relieved and thankful.
Hope you can find your way too.