Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello.
I'm going to share some stuff on here about my experiences of addiction. Writing things down seems to help me. Maybe I'll get some helpful feedback or be able to help someone else too.
I'm a functioning addict and have been for quite some time, I suppose. My first referral to alcohol services actually came on the back of a mental health assessment for CBT. I went through a questionnaire which included my drinking habits. At the end of the questionnaire the lady doing the assessment said, "well we can't treat you because you're classed as alcohol dependant." This came as quite a shock.
I did engage with alcohol services but I lied about drug use (I was using cocaine every weekend). I quit drinking spirits/wine and drank nothing stronger than beer. I was down to maybe 30 units a week. But it crept back up to 70-80 units plus. I didn't do anything for a couple of years. It was affecting my marriage, work, my mental health. It was affecting everything really. My cocaine use was increasing. I was spending too much. I was starting to get physical withdrawal. I felt worse in the mornings if I didn't drink the night before (a reverse hangover I called it). I was wrestles and kind of itchy due to cocaine withdrawal and spent all week thinking/worrying about my habit.
I finally bit the bullet and went to my G. P. for a referral. Admitted the whole thing. It was incredibly difficult to do. The first session I went to I broke down in. I could feel the tears coming and I had to just let them. When I left I had to sit in the car for 10 minutes before I could compose myself enough to drive. I spent the rest of the day just lying on my bed crying thinking, "how the *** has it come to this?"
Anyway I carried on with a couple if counselling services (one for drugs and one for alcohol) and got some degree of control back. That was about a year ago. I've cut down to 20 units most weeks. The cocaine use is down to about a quarter of what it used to be. But I have behavioural/habitual issues which are proving difficult to break. Im having CBT via a charity called Addaction at the moment. At my session yesterday I set myself a goal to have a sober/clean weekend this weekend. And I got through last night! I did some Thought Records which my therapist gave me. I tried to replace the, "treat" of alcohol and cocaine with the treat of a take away and some sugary drinks. It wasn't easy but it wasn't too hard either. I still have tonight and Sunday to get through but I feel quite confident.
Hopefully I'll get back on here with some positive news at the end of the weekend.
Bye for now.
The cravings are here! Haven't had a drink yet this week. Im grumpy and twitchy and everything is doing my head in. I don't know weather to sit it out or just give in to it. Obviously the easy thing would be to drink. But easy isn't always the best way. It's crazy how when 'addict brain' kicks in you have this little devil jumping up and down on your shoulder, telling you you, "deserve a treat" or, "you've done really well" or, a million other reasons why it's OK and why it'll be somehow different from all those other times. Like this time I deffinately won't get two beers in think 'f#*k it' buy a bag of coke, stay up till three in the morning and go to bed sweating and worrying that I'm going to have a heart attack. Even though that's probably exactly what's going to happen. But for now at least I feel a bit better for having had a rant. Thanks for listening.
Boy, do I understand these words, Joe. Time after time after time.
This last week, it's got worryingly bad. I started with a tiny bottle of wine - one of those that just fills a glass. I thought that would do, as a treat. Then I extended the treat with a half-bottle of scotch. Before the end of the week, I was downing best part of a bottle of scotch a day. Last night in bed, my heart was pounding so hard that I couldn't sleep. I could hear it banging in my head. Today is my first day sober again. I've felt pretty frazzled all day. But I've treated myself to some good food, drunk plenty of water, watched a film to keep my mind distracted. Tomorrow, I know I'll feel better - after a proper, natural night's sleep. That's when I have to work that extra bit harder and resist the temptation.
Well done on a week. I hope you've managed to keep it going.
Keep talking!
Hello Tom.
Haven't managed to completely abstain but only got a few beers in. I don't intend to go out for any more so think I'm fine.
Do you mind me asking if you have had any help? I've been lucky enough to find some good therapists in the past 12 months or so. I often wonder if the support people get is a postcode lottery. I'm interested in other people's experiences.
Thanks, Tom. Take care.
Same with me. I function. It never interferes with work or other responsibilities. I don't engage now, no. The local provision is pretty rubbish since it came out of NHS hands and into the private sector. Lots of people fall through the cracks. Don't forget you're neurodiverse. We have a bit more of a struggle than most, and booze - for me - has been the only 'medication' that's really worked against the anxiety and the sense of alienation from the world.
It's a slippery slope, too. When I first went into treatment, I was a pretty normal, occasional drinker. Mental health services refused to look at me, though, unless I was completely sober. Crazy. I saw all these desperate alcoholics who had lost homes, jobs, partners, liberty. It's funny how it can take hold, though. And those 'me, too' moments come along before you know it.
You don't need me to tell you, though.
Are you still engaging with anyone professionally? I find just going in and speaking to a counsellor very helpful. It provides a bit of focus.
I've been lucky though. I'm in Liverpool and there's quite good provision. High demand and all that. The place I go for drugs counselling is in the city centre. They're treating really hardcore addicts. Crack and heroin addicts. Every time I go in I'm like, "there but for the grace of god.. " and all that. It's like a prison reunion in there some weeks. They all know each other from Walton.
I'm still functioning. I haven't lost my job or my wife. I just feel a bit weak at times you know. Like, some of these people have overcome far more than me. Had far harder lives than me. Why is it taking me so long? What's wrong with me? I feel a bit guilty to be honest. Like I'm taking their time when they could be helping someone in more need.
But I'm still going to the appointments. I feel confident that I'm getting there. It took a long time for me to get where I am today. Its going to take a while to get out of it.
Sorry, I'm rambling. A bit worse for wear now to be honest.
Take care.
Yeah, that's a challenge. A young chap who was a neighbour of mine a few years back died of a heart attack after taking coke. He was only early 30s. I didn't drink at all until I was in my 30s (just an occasional beer and at Xmas). The last 5 years have been the worst. Not had much time away from it in those years. But I'm 60 next year. Time enough to knock it on the head. Thing is, if I'm honest, I don't really want to stop - because I enjoy the highs. But I need to, for my own health.
Hi Tom. Congratulations on the new job. Something new like that can be something to latch onto and focus on.
Im around all over Christmas so I'll keep an eye on the forums.
It's been a big challenge to have weekends off but I've been doing it. Last week a guy who my wife knew died. He was only young too. Apparently it was his daughter who is the same age as our son (11) who found him. I don't know the full details but it sounds like it could be drugs related. I know he was a dealer cos we used to buy off him and I know he used himself. It sounds like a heart attack from what I've heard. That was an eye opener and I knew I couldn't drink last weekend because as soon as I've had a beer I want a line too. I stayed completely sober for nearly two weeks. It's the longest I've been sober since I was a teen I think.
Anyway onwards and upwards. As you say, let's support each other over the holiday.
Take care
Hey Joe. Funny, I was just wondering how you were going along.
I've been having a bad time recently - off sick from work with stress from bullying. Quids out of pocket, but at least I'm away from it. Just heard I've got another job, though, so at least I don't have to go back to it. Someone's looking out for me.
I've been on it more or less every day since that last message. Trying to keep it low, though - and having some alcohol-free days. Today, I got the same thought in my head as you. Bought myself a few 'presents' to see me over the Xmas period. I've decided that it's new year, new job, new start. So, I'll drink what I've got and try to call it my last little fling.
Don't beat yourself up, mate. It's how our heads work, after all. 12 days is excellent. Better than I managed. Try to keep things together and enjoy yourself over the holiday. Will you be around on the forums at all at Christmas? We can all support each other. A few others are having some struggles at the moment, so it'll be good if we can share things in the one sane place I know.
All the best,
Tom
Hey Tom, how's it going? Tough time of year when you're trying to keep bad habits under control. I've just broken 12 days of abstinence unfortunately. Finished work for Christmas and got paid. The temptation got too much. Funny how it happens isn't it? I've been all week telling myself I'd be good and carry on. As soon as I woke up this morning it was on my mind.. "You've been good, you deserve a treat, go on its Christmas." The addict in me. Nagging and nagging.
I took Antabuse for a few months, which greatly helped. I knew I would never drink on it, so it took the temptation away. I didn't need to distract any more. But then I stopped it...